Journal

So I'm disappointed in myself.  I smoked this weekend.  I put my daughter to bed on Friday night and I decided to try on my wedding gown.  I put it on and it didn't fit - couldn't even zip it up all the way.  I started crying hysterically and decided then and there that I was going to smoke until those pounds are lost.  Here I am, standing in a $700 wedding gown and it doesn't fit.  I bought this dress on 12/29 and it already doesn't fit.  So then I weighed myself and I've gained 5 pounds since I quit.  Is this normal?  I mean seriously.. 5 pounds in 5 days.  If that's the case I don't want to make it to 30 days..  I'm at a loss right now. 

I'm so worried that I will gain too much weight and will not be happy on my wedding day.. you're supposed to feel like the most beautiful person on your wedding day, but I have a feeling that isn't going to happen for me until I lose 40 pounds.  I've been on Weight Watchers for over a month and it drives my fiance crazy because I am always counting and writing down what I eat.. but it isn't working.. I just keep gaining. 

I don't know what to do anymore. What if I gain too much weight from quitting that I can't wear my gorgeous dress and I feel horrible that day and ugly and fat?  I don't want my fiance's first thought when I walk down the aisle to be "wow, she really did gain a lot of weight."  It is not my determination to be a giant marshmallow..

anyways, I did stop again.. had a momentary lapse.. but I'm worried I'll go back just to avoid having the wedding from hell..

Sorry - I'm so stressed today and writing this is making me even sadder, so I'm gonna go..

So I was thinking on my way into work this morning that I don't really remember how or when I became addicted to nicotine.   I started smoking socially in college.  Back then, a pack of cigarettes would last me two weeks!  Wow - those were the days!  Even after college, I started to smoke only socially but a little heavier even though that was the only time I smoked.  It seemed the only way to go was a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. 

Then I started my new job in Buffalo - I was still smoking socially but gradually started smoking once a day with the "smokers" at work.  Then it grew to twice a day and then three times a day..

Next, I was pregnant and I quit for that.  When I look back, it was easy to quit then because I had a reason not to smoke.  When my daughter was 2 weeks old, I got very stressed out and went out on the porch at my parents house and started smoking again.  Bad decision!

I started another new job and you never know a new place's rules on smoking breaks so I didn't smoke and I was back to smoking socially.  Then I left that job and started where I am now.  Here, smoking comes second-hand (no pun intended!! haha).   If you don't smoke, you're more of an outcast!  The people here go down for a cigarette every hour on the hour and sometimes smoke two each time they go.  I went from 2-3 a day to over half a pack.. sometimes even a pack.  About a year ago, I started having a terrible cough - the dreaded smoker's cough.  I haven't been able to kick it despite medications, etc.  I know it comes right back to the smoking. 

I quit last spring, but then found out I had the beginning stages of cervical cancer.  The stress was just too much to deal with.. I started back up and heavier than I ever was before.

I tried to quit a year ago and lasted about 3 weeks and I've tried here and there in between, with no luck.  This time, my fiance is doing it with me and I have every faith that I can do it.. I want to make it to 3 weeks again, 1 month, 6 months, 365 days!

I also gave myself a bit of an incentive.  Seeing that I'm getting married in the fall, I've decided that all the money I save from not buying cigarettes will go into the wedding fund!!