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InsomniacM 
Sadness is sad sad.
Its supposed to be an accomplishment that ive managed to make it through everything i have.
But everything that happens just makes me feel horrible that im still breathing.
Like...I'm doing the wrong thing.
I'm always doing the wrong thing. im always wrong. Even when i do nothing just to avoid being wrong, thats still somehow wrong.
People say so. Events say so.
It it too much for one person in my constant physical life to say I'm doing something right?
Is it too much to ask for to hear someones voice?
and not have them get mad at me for something.
Is it too much to have one person think that maybe- just maybe I'm not useless and hopeless and everything wrong with the world? Cause i think that shit enough for maybe hundreds of people.
Oh hey, can i ask for relatively good health for ONCE in my life?
May I have a brain that-oh i dont know, WORKS RIGHT? That would be cool.
Can i have a fucking salad? They can poison themselves. whatever. But I dont want to be 500 pounds at 16 thanks.
Can i pass grade 10?
Can I not panic at the drop of a hat?
Can time move at a SOMEWHAT normal rate? This week has taken months it seems. This month has taken years. Next month will be worse.
Can i be slightly less insanely paranoid about my scars? Seriously, my arm is big, so wearing a sock on it constricts blood flow.
My life is worthless. no matter what anyone says, im just worthless. I cant change anything, i cant help anything. The only thing that could maybe make me feel like my life had meaning would be if i could actually help people i care about, but of course i cant. I'm not the one that can do that. I'm going to lose everyone. they all found someone better long ago. im just...nothing
Seriously. Its too much.
Its supposed to be an accomplishment that ive managed to make it through everything.
But everything just makes me feel horrible that im still breathing.
And im struggling with even doing that.
So funny.
I spend my life trying not to be typical. I have a serious fear, I guess you could call it, of just becoming another pointless add-on to this society I wish was destroyed. I try to avoid becoming just another addition to the masses; another one of a billion. But yet, something always pulls me back in.
By interacting with people different than oneself, youre doomed to at least get a taste of the world they live in. When everyone lives in the same, abhorrent world, it’s impossible for me to stay out of it without becoming completely detached and rotting away in my own little hole (Though, granted, I’m quite close). However, no matter how hard I try to deny it, I am human. I will need to associate with other humans in my lifetime. I will have to conform to their world, no matter how much I hate it, and/or hate myself for it.
I can’t really deny something on the grounds of, “well I don’t want to do what the rest of the brain-dead masses are doing”, because often, the person I’m talking to or their friends are part of the ‘brain-dead masses’ I’m referring to in that situation. I try to avoid being an asshole, it often just does more harm than good, so I try not to horribly insult people too often. So, I conform. As to not hurt feelings, or come under fire. I’ve trained myself to simply not care in most situations. I let myself get swept up in the world, and though it bothers me a great deal, I have no justifiable reason in my mind that should make me stop.
Part of me worries that despite my almost obsessive conscious efforts to avoid thinking like those who are typical, or acting like them, I am just another stereotype. There are so many people onthe planet, chances are I'm not unique in the least. Perhaps I am just another brainless teenager going through a ‘phase’, as so many of them say. “Everyone goes through it.” “You’ll get over it, just like the rest of them” “Honey, its only hormones.” Is that what my existence is? A phase? Hormones? Are all my thoughts and feelings, the person I am, is it all just a temporary illusion that’s going to pass? Is who I am just going to fade away, leaving behind only a skeleton that’s just like everyone else’s? Just another typical brain-dead woman who was foolish enough to think she was different?
That’s why its so, so funny.
I spend my life trying not to be typical, but maybe, I’m already there.
I spend my life trying not to be typical. I have a serious fear, I guess you could call it, of just becoming another pointless add-on to this society I wish was destroyed. I try to avoid becoming just another addition to the masses; another one of a billion. But yet, something always pulls me back in.
By interacting with people different than oneself, youre doomed to at least get a taste of the world they live in. When everyone lives in the same, abhorrent world, it’s impossible for me to stay out of it without becoming completely detached and rotting away in my own little hole (Though, granted, I’m quite close). However, no matter how hard I try to deny it, I am human. I will need to associate with other humans in my lifetime. I will have to conform to their world, no matter how much I hate it, and/or hate myself for it.
I can’t really deny something on the grounds of, “well I don’t want to do what the rest of the brain-dead masses are doing”, because often, the person I’m talking to or their friends are part of the ‘brain-dead masses’ I’m referring to in that situation. I try to avoid being an asshole, it often just does more harm than good, so I try not to horribly insult people too often. So, I conform. As to not hurt feelings, or come under fire. I’ve trained myself to simply not care in most situations. I let myself get swept up in the world, and though it bothers me a great deal, I have no justifiable reason in my mind that should make me stop.
Part of me worries that despite my almost obsessive conscious efforts to avoid thinking like those who are typical, or acting like them, I am just another stereotype. There are so many people onthe planet, chances are I'm not unique in the least. Perhaps I am just another brainless teenager going through a ‘phase’, as so many of them say. “Everyone goes through it.” “You’ll get over it, just like the rest of them” “Honey, its only hormones.” Is that what my existence is? A phase? Hormones? Are all my thoughts and feelings, the person I am, is it all just a temporary illusion that’s going to pass? Is who I am just going to fade away, leaving behind only a skeleton that’s just like everyone else’s? Just another typical brain-dead woman who was foolish enough to think she was different?
That’s why its so, so funny.
I spend my life trying not to be typical, but maybe, I’m already there.
Comments
My mind is my enemy; Loves to play games
With the feelings I adore
Turns them painful, sour, joyless
So I take light from them again nevermore
It keeps me awake as I'm falling asleep
And lulls me to sleep when I wake
As if to tease me
My existance is only a cruel mistake
You know, I’m useless. I can’t do anything to help people feel better, I can’t do anything to make myself feel better, I just can’t do anything. I literally don’t matter at all. Right now, if I just vanished, maybe you think you would care, or maybe you just say that you would to make me feel less useless, but the truth is, it wouldn’t matter. No matter what, you have better people in your life, and i really just... don’t matter. I’m tired. And i want something that can make me sleep for a long time.
How can there be people screaming and laughing in the next room while i feel so miserable?
Will I do you right? Will I do you wrong?
Will I stay with you forever? Will you wish I was gone?
When I change my name, do I stay the same?
You’re tattooed on my life now it would hurt to remove you,
Either way. - Jessica Heine
....
SURVEY FOR GETTING MY MIND OFF SHIT: YAY.
Why do we never hear of people coming from ‘left west’ or ‘right east’? – What? Cause that sounds stupid, why would someone say that? Besides, left and right change according to perspective, don’t they? So it just doesn’t make sense, that’s why.
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age? – Its called natural causes, when your body gets to worn out to work anymore. I guess when you die of natural causes, that’s when. You don’t die just from being older, jackass.
Can bald people have Hairline fractures? - … Seriously? Yes. Hairline fractures have nothing to do with hair on the head. It’s not even related. Are you stupid, survey?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth? – Sure, why not.
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? – Because the glue is still wet when its in the bottle. Glue doesn’t stick to shit when its wet. It does stick to the inside of the bottle if you let it dry.
Do penguins have knees? - … I’m going to guess yes.
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway? – Sally was a twat.
If you sneezed on a computer, would it get a virus? – No. Fuck this survey.
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you be able to go anywhere you want? – Maybe they’d nail your home to the ground. … You still can’t leave the vehicle. You can’t just drive your motorhome through the mall. I imagine you could go out and cause some accidents, so they’d just put you in real jail.
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?- I never got that.
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish", what would you do? – Slap them upside the head for being difficult and blowing their chance to do something good, then go do something kickass with my magic.
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient? – What would they work on if the doctor was already dead? Call the morgue guy and keep working on the patient.
If insects are so obsessed with bright lights, why don’t they fly off to the sun? – Now I KNOW its impossible for an INSECT to break through our atmosphere. These questions are kind of making me want to kill things.
What if your brain could read at 25,000 words a minute? – omg I’d read every book on the goddamn planet. I’d seek to know everything. Id learn to do anything I could ever want to do. They have books and internet pages on everything.
What would happen if we found a way to use 100% of our brain potential? – For some reason I see the end of the world. Or maybe things wouldn’t be all too different. Shit, I don’t know, ask someone smart.
Comments
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you are not a mistake :( you are amazing, just ever so troubled.
that's a damn lie! you matter. you make me happy all the time, and if you were suddenly gone i would expect a long hospital stay and a number of blood transfusions.
this is funny but if you own land, you only own like 4 feet under ground. below that you need to purchase legal mineral rights. so ya, halliburton can buy the land from under your house and mine it without you ever leaving :P
HAHAHAHAHAHTWAT!!! i love you!
I say i sleep like a dead baby when i sleep well. those stay pretty quiet..
and i love you you arent useless. :)
Past Entries
Goal Updated
the fact that you do have a hard time with 'conforming' is proof in itself that you are different. You are most definitely not a brain-dead woman who was foolish enough to think she was different.
different or not, in order to make our already difficult lives less difficult, conforming tends to be a necessity. it's something that gets easier as time goes along but it's also not something you HAVE to do.
alot of times, i dont conform and give whoever the finger cause i just dont give a damn.
other times, i do. just because my life is filled to the brim with bullshit and i dont want to deal with anymore.
i used to let this bother me but i dont now because i know for a fact that i'm not mindless, a follower, or whatever. I do what i do, like what i like, love what i love, love who i love and so on because its what i truly feel and if it makes it harder for me to 'fit in' to anything in my life, then so be it. And if i have to conform a tiny bit to make my life just a little bit easier, that does not make me one of those people who is unoriginal and cannot think for theirselves. it makes me smart for keeping myself from having to punch someone in the eye in the event that we fight over my difference from them. lol
Example: i'm the black sheep of my family because i do not conform.i am different from all of them. very different. everyone thinks i'm weird but oh well. i deal with it and they know i'll tell them to kiss my ass if they dont like it.
In the end, they wouldn't conform to please me so why should i do the same?
Also, in some way, we are all stereotypes. It is unavoidable. In someway, every single person on this earth falls into a stereotype. But oh well, when it comes down to it. it truly does not matter. what matters is knowing in your heart that you are unique, and trust me you are.
you are not ruled by hormones or a phase but dealing with hormones and going through phases are just a part of life and regardless of how different or unique any of us may be, we all have to go through it. its impossible to avoid and it is very well possible that some of the things you feel are fueled by those things but it doesnt change who you are as a whole.
its not a temporary illusion. if you feel it, its real. it doesnt matter what its cause is. but the cause very well could be temporary. only time will truly tell.
you are not typical. you never will be.
ChristinaCat85
You dont need to conform to live in something. A humming bird is small and some may say insignificant. When winter comes it will die in the cold unless it migrates south, but it doesnt have the power. But it didnt conform, it adapted. It learned to ride on the backs of larger birds to get south so it can survive. so you see, you can live in the world without becoming that bigger more normal bird. You need to interact with them, and yes part of you life relies on them, be it a grocer to get food or some stupid bitch at the till at walmart. But you dont need to become them.
And you arent common at all. Sure we all have hormones. Trust me I know, they ran through my body like a pissed off rhino. But your problem isnt hormones, you are in a horribly difficult place in life and your attempts to fight conforming are valid. totally valid. I love you. You are an individual. You are only Mandie
KrusH
Hey just be yourself. Do not over analyze and be a brain alive person... you will do fine in this world!
StoneHeartedMan