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Atay 
8:03pm, July 20, 2009
Something I hate about myself today: Well first off, I hate that I hate anything about myself. It's not a very nice way to feel about myself. I simply hate that I hate myself!
So, let me put it this way: Something that saddens me about myself is that each time I want to make a change in my lifestyle or work on a particular issue that needs my attention, then it only gets worse. For instance, if I focus on my health, eating better, exercising more in tune with my body's needs, then my eating gets out of control and I am abusive to my body. If I work on becoming a more organized person, then the chaos becomes tri-fold. If I work on my relationship with my boyfriend, then I notice I feel more insecure and slighlty neurotic in the areas that need my care.
So, obviously this is frustrating. I have always felt like this. And, most of the time whenever I set goals the opposite of my desires becomes more intense. I do feel sad about this. I am not sure what I need to do in this situation.
I have almost made a clear decision to stop doing my hard spin classes. What I'm noticing is that whatever sickness I have, the exercising is making it worse. I believe I now need only strength training and yoga, pilates, stretching. It is VERY scary, mostly because I LOVE to teach spin. There isn't room for me to teach yoga or strength training at work. Well, maybe that's not so. Maybe I can do a personal training group of just strength training.
The only thing my docs and I can figure is the stupid ass diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. If there is any disorder I can't stand it's this one. I am very uncomfortable with claiming I have something like this that doesn't have any proof or any hard core scientific basis. I am not about to say, "I have CFS." Stick it up my ass.
Today I feel defeated and wish I were someone else. Can anyone remind me of what I am supposed to do when I feel this way? Does anyone else have problems with focusing on goals and they turn reversal on them? Love, Me.
So, let me put it this way: Something that saddens me about myself is that each time I want to make a change in my lifestyle or work on a particular issue that needs my attention, then it only gets worse. For instance, if I focus on my health, eating better, exercising more in tune with my body's needs, then my eating gets out of control and I am abusive to my body. If I work on becoming a more organized person, then the chaos becomes tri-fold. If I work on my relationship with my boyfriend, then I notice I feel more insecure and slighlty neurotic in the areas that need my care.
So, obviously this is frustrating. I have always felt like this. And, most of the time whenever I set goals the opposite of my desires becomes more intense. I do feel sad about this. I am not sure what I need to do in this situation.
I have almost made a clear decision to stop doing my hard spin classes. What I'm noticing is that whatever sickness I have, the exercising is making it worse. I believe I now need only strength training and yoga, pilates, stretching. It is VERY scary, mostly because I LOVE to teach spin. There isn't room for me to teach yoga or strength training at work. Well, maybe that's not so. Maybe I can do a personal training group of just strength training.
The only thing my docs and I can figure is the stupid ass diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. If there is any disorder I can't stand it's this one. I am very uncomfortable with claiming I have something like this that doesn't have any proof or any hard core scientific basis. I am not about to say, "I have CFS." Stick it up my ass.
Today I feel defeated and wish I were someone else. Can anyone remind me of what I am supposed to do when I feel this way? Does anyone else have problems with focusing on goals and they turn reversal on them? Love, Me.
Comments
Hi there. I feel the same way--it's hard just to change that unhealthy behavior. I think if you try to add to your life instead of taking away it is easier. Let me explain. Your eating is an issue right--it's too difficult just to give it up. It does something for you--it has been a skill and just isn't doing what it is suppose to anymore. Hence getting rid of it. If you focus on building another skill before trying the hard change it can be much more effective. (I hope this makes sense?) ie: finding something you love that fills the space. Like the pilates--or maybe even something not associated with the body--like meditation.
Chronic Fatigue--that stinks. Do you take anti-depressants? Fatigue is part of depression. Have you seen an endochrinologist? They can test more accurately for thyroid and other issues that may be going on. It doesn't sound like this dr has an idea about what's going on CFS is a pretty serious diagnosis and unfortunately can be thrown out there when a dr doesn't know what is up. I am not convinced you think this is right--you're a smart cookie so follow your gut. Love, Me too
mpt
Do I take anti depressants??? Does the pope shit in the woods? Is a bear catholic? Wait...? Ha! Yep, i do and I've taken them all! But, I'm willing to take more! At any rate, it's tough because some of them keep me a little tired as well.
Atay