Atay's Journal

My hands are aching with arthritic pain! I'm trying to deny it, but it's just too true. It could also be carpal tunnel stuff, but I get the same pain in my hip and big toe. So........it hurts to type and it hurts to do much of anything else. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

I am having a crisis. My relationship is in big trouble. We go to our counceling appt tomorrow,thank god. I haven't seen my boyfriend in a week other than a few short stops so it's been quite awkward. I feel so very certain that I am just not a very sexual person. I would just rather do so many other things. He is a very sexual person. So, I can keep saying yes when I want to say no (and then binge and purge) or I can say no and lose the relationship. We are doing very well as far as not blaming each other. (Although i think he is a little more judgmental than I am. I don't try to get him to change to be less sexual, but I know he wants me to change.)

Since I've been away from him I've eaten when I'm hungry and haven't had the desire to even mess with my food. I haven't had a drink, because I don't ever drink unless I'm around him or at a party or something. I just don't drink when I'm at home because I don't feel like it.

There are many things I can do to help with sexual issues, but quite honestly they aren't really worth it to me at this point. I'm too tired! I work all day and I'm hurting all day and I have the stress of raising a very difficult child all by myself and wondering how I'm going to make it from pay check to pay check. Why for God's sake do I want to take up my sexuality now? It's so much easier to go to bed with a deep, rich, bitter, chocolate covered almond than with someone who wants to put his body parts in my orifices! (I make him sound so mean, poor guy!) I guess I'm trying to tell myself that I am learning how to have pleasure and for now, that doesn't involve being sexual all that often. I would say once or twice a month, maybe thrice, would be plenty for me.....I don't want to work on this now! It's going to hurt like hell if we break up. I'm going to go insane, yet it's not anywhere that I haven't been before. I usually end most of my relationships with ease because I have some strange ability to "turn off," yet the last one was very tortuous and I believe this one will be extremely tragic and sad as well. So, I'll know more later....now I must go see the picture my daughter drew for me and I must take some Advil for this arthritis.