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Atay 
8:03pm, July 20, 2009
I binged! And, it's okay! No big deal afterall. I realized the bingy feeling was coming from my focusing so much on my trying to NOT binge. You see, I haven't had to deal with this eating disorder in several years, so when I signed on to the site, I was starting to feel it come up (hee hee) and so I've been really focusing on not binging. Which is great and I have been doing good. And, surprise, suprise, the binge didn't do a darn thing for me. So, onward. So interesting because no matter where my thoughts are, there is the reflecting behavior. I have been thinking about how my eating and weight have become more out of control since I have made a career in the fitness industry. Am I nuts? I am jumping out of the pan into the fire. Although that's not exactly true. I LOVE my job. I wish I just didn't struggle so much with this food/body shit. I'm not sure how to take care of myself around this issue, but I am sure that I need to take care of it with ease.
I am terrified to come on to this site and say I've binged. But I still feel supported by all of you. I think what I am most terrified of is not being able to be a "rock" that maybe someone else on the site can lean on. I want to give hope, not show failure and fill people with fear of their own disease. However, I think the only REAL way to actually become free is to be honest and real. That's what we trust, the truth, not perfection.
I'm in a crisis in my relationship. I am pretty messed up about it. I am running on feelings outside of myself. I haven't seen my SO in a few days, which is unusual. We haven't had much contact. My daughter is curious to know why we are home all the time now. Crap, I'm having some very uncomfortable feelings. No wonder I struggled today.
I am working on becoming a better mother. I notice that I first need to parent myself in a kinder way. I need to be a friend and treat myself with respect and dignity before I can treat my daughter with the same regard. It's such an amazing revelation. And it's so hard to do, even though it really is easy. It's really taking a fearful panicked thought or feeling and "parenting" myself through with love and kindness. Then I can grow. Then I can feel without having to turn on some undesirable behavior as a coping mechanism. When my daughter does something I don't like or when she makes a mistake, I'd like to think I don't panic and label her as a failure. I tend to do this with myself and unless I can change that, it will pass to her. I would like to see myself be able to teach her a better way. That might mean insisting doing something she doesn't want to do. It might mean letting her know she won't always win at everything. It can be a hug and let her know next time there's an opportunity for a different choice. Only, and only can I provide these gentle approaches with her when I can provide them for myself. And now, right here, right now, I let my binge go, I let my fat go, I let my anxiety go and I hold my hand as I let the feelings of sadness and anger flow through me, moving- in they come, let them swirl, and out they go.
I am terrified to come on to this site and say I've binged. But I still feel supported by all of you. I think what I am most terrified of is not being able to be a "rock" that maybe someone else on the site can lean on. I want to give hope, not show failure and fill people with fear of their own disease. However, I think the only REAL way to actually become free is to be honest and real. That's what we trust, the truth, not perfection.
I'm in a crisis in my relationship. I am pretty messed up about it. I am running on feelings outside of myself. I haven't seen my SO in a few days, which is unusual. We haven't had much contact. My daughter is curious to know why we are home all the time now. Crap, I'm having some very uncomfortable feelings. No wonder I struggled today.
I am working on becoming a better mother. I notice that I first need to parent myself in a kinder way. I need to be a friend and treat myself with respect and dignity before I can treat my daughter with the same regard. It's such an amazing revelation. And it's so hard to do, even though it really is easy. It's really taking a fearful panicked thought or feeling and "parenting" myself through with love and kindness. Then I can grow. Then I can feel without having to turn on some undesirable behavior as a coping mechanism. When my daughter does something I don't like or when she makes a mistake, I'd like to think I don't panic and label her as a failure. I tend to do this with myself and unless I can change that, it will pass to her. I would like to see myself be able to teach her a better way. That might mean insisting doing something she doesn't want to do. It might mean letting her know she won't always win at everything. It can be a hug and let her know next time there's an opportunity for a different choice. Only, and only can I provide these gentle approaches with her when I can provide them for myself. And now, right here, right now, I let my binge go, I let my fat go, I let my anxiety go and I hold my hand as I let the feelings of sadness and anger flow through me, moving- in they come, let them swirl, and out they go.
Comments
hi there. I think it is so brave and important for you to show a more vulnerable side (I understand that completely). I am concerned about the binge (any other behaviors with that?). Do you have any real supports where you are? Is your SO sweet and nurturing? I hope so. The more important part of your entry; what the hell time do you get up--I'm reading this in my PJ's and I'm on the east coast! :)
mpt