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Atay 
8:03pm, July 20, 2009
Very insecure today. I feel like I'm "not good enough" for whatever reason. I am sure it has a lot to do the new spin instructors at the gym. I want to do something to act out this threat. It's a very child-like reaction so I must be careful and just sit back and find a creative outlet (like writing here about it, crying, talking, finding something else that interests me). It is easy for me to feel hurt and immediately go run and do something I'll regret. My fantasy is to go to the other gym in town (live in a VERY small town) and work there. That is ridiculous.
Okay, my clients that live in the sticks are up for a workout today. They are very difficult as they overeat and overeat and then blame ME for their not losing weight. They will only do the exact same routine each time and they will not change. So, they are paying me to drive for an hour to their house, work them out for an hour, drive my hour back (country roads, gorgeous drive) to "get them in shape," but with the idea that since they pay me they get to decide what and how they will exercise. Frustrating because really, they are only paying me so they can blame me for their habits. However, I am gentle and will have to have another one of our talks. Otherwise, if they want to blame me, but still keep me, then that would work too. It's just hard to see people do this.
Food is going good. Body has responded already. I have noticed I'm not getting enough vitamins from my food and too many of my calories are coming from fat. But, last night, when I was at my guy's house I noticed the desire to eat and eat and eat. I am so confused in this relationship. I don't like relationships. And I don't like being without one. I don't like being without HIM.
More later when I get back. I am going to hold my own hand today and really let myself know that I'm not being replaced at work. I'm still a great instructor and I am going to give over a class with ease and grace. (And really, it's better for the class....they so enjoy having different energies come in and then changing.)
I want to do something special for myself today. Any ideas?
Okay, my clients that live in the sticks are up for a workout today. They are very difficult as they overeat and overeat and then blame ME for their not losing weight. They will only do the exact same routine each time and they will not change. So, they are paying me to drive for an hour to their house, work them out for an hour, drive my hour back (country roads, gorgeous drive) to "get them in shape," but with the idea that since they pay me they get to decide what and how they will exercise. Frustrating because really, they are only paying me so they can blame me for their habits. However, I am gentle and will have to have another one of our talks. Otherwise, if they want to blame me, but still keep me, then that would work too. It's just hard to see people do this.
Food is going good. Body has responded already. I have noticed I'm not getting enough vitamins from my food and too many of my calories are coming from fat. But, last night, when I was at my guy's house I noticed the desire to eat and eat and eat. I am so confused in this relationship. I don't like relationships. And I don't like being without one. I don't like being without HIM.
More later when I get back. I am going to hold my own hand today and really let myself know that I'm not being replaced at work. I'm still a great instructor and I am going to give over a class with ease and grace. (And really, it's better for the class....they so enjoy having different energies come in and then changing.)
I want to do something special for myself today. Any ideas?
Comments
I am so inspired to know that Physical trainers are people too with the same struggles as myself. I actually have debated going to school for this very thing when my kids start school and no longer need me all day long. I feel like if I can lose weight and educate myself on a healthy lifestyle and the way my bady works why not help others. It is awesome you are out there doing this, I wish you were my trainer. I do live on the west coast in Oregon. Not quite as nice as Cally and the water is always cold, but we are use to it that way. Even with your struggles you are an inspiration to me. Lots of love!!!
weaver1630
As for doing something special for yourself, I would say do a yoga or pilates session. I find the peace I feel after one of those is the best gift I can give to myself all day. ^_^
My first reaction is to treat myself with food. I don't generally binge, but rewarding myself with sugar has been a horrible habit pattern I've fallen into, since the age of 5 or so. It feels great to break free of that, and to think of exercise as a reward! WOW, who would have thought it???? ^_^
taraleegrant