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Atay 
8:03pm, July 20, 2009
Wheee weeeeeeee! Did I just take a ride on some other communities on this site. Yikees! I hate to compare myself, but god, there are people out there who are very suicidal, potentially sexual predators, media obsessed fantasizers, etc. My heart just aches and aches and aches with a sense of hopelessness sometimes. I also get so upset at how jacked up and messed up I am, and how big my problems are....and then, BAM, I am atay okay. It's all relative and my pain is VERY real, but I'm okay. I am okay. "I'm okay, you're okay." People at the gym my age say that to each other all the time and then we crack up!
Got a little insight to the eating. I do get more calories than I need even when I'm not binging. That is actually hard to believe...but that's what I've discovered with tracking one day. I also discovered my complete freedom with food. I went from being a frantic binger when I was young. And then to the OA program and I had only 3 meals every day no matter what. They were not enough food, but i didn't know that at the time. I was just so thankful that I wasn't binging that I wasn't even aware that my body weight had dropped off the charts. Here I was...one year in what I thought was "recovery" and I one day looked in the mirror and saw my bones. It scared the crap out of me. So, I started to binge again. Imagine the hell I went through when I started "losing control." So, I have vowed to not fear food, but now it's time to just make some healthy AWARE choices. I'm ready for that. I love aging. Things seem to settle. Doesn't mean I'm settling for less, in fact this relaxation is allowing me to accomplish more. However, we'll see how I feel tomorrow! My moods swing from minute to minute so I need to be clear now that I won't be clear at some other point. Those are the times when I need a mantra. Those are the times when I say, "All I need to do is breathe, drink water, and show up for work." So, I'm reminding myself that that's what I need to do.
Got a little insight to the eating. I do get more calories than I need even when I'm not binging. That is actually hard to believe...but that's what I've discovered with tracking one day. I also discovered my complete freedom with food. I went from being a frantic binger when I was young. And then to the OA program and I had only 3 meals every day no matter what. They were not enough food, but i didn't know that at the time. I was just so thankful that I wasn't binging that I wasn't even aware that my body weight had dropped off the charts. Here I was...one year in what I thought was "recovery" and I one day looked in the mirror and saw my bones. It scared the crap out of me. So, I started to binge again. Imagine the hell I went through when I started "losing control." So, I have vowed to not fear food, but now it's time to just make some healthy AWARE choices. I'm ready for that. I love aging. Things seem to settle. Doesn't mean I'm settling for less, in fact this relaxation is allowing me to accomplish more. However, we'll see how I feel tomorrow! My moods swing from minute to minute so I need to be clear now that I won't be clear at some other point. Those are the times when I need a mantra. Those are the times when I say, "All I need to do is breathe, drink water, and show up for work." So, I'm reminding myself that that's what I need to do.
Comments
i find that i am eating more than i should even when i am not binging, too. i think that its is just a hard cycle to break...that "always wanting more" feeling. but its OK!! it may take awhile for things to even out, but i believe over time our minds and bodies will adjust to a healthy cycle if we really make an effort to eat healthy and not binge. i am glad to hear you are feeling okay too, thats the right attitude to have :o) all you need to do is take care of yourself day by day, and take it easy-i know you can do it!!
Future7