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Atay 
8:03pm, July 20, 2009
Stuck at home with time on my hands. Usually this is a great time for me to be online. However, I am having a hard time forming my thoughts clearly. Then I remembered that I didn't sleep until around 5 a.m. and rose at 7 and have been going ever since. That is just wrong. No wonder I'm a dunce. I can feel a slight depression slipping up on me as well. There were some weird feelings coming up for me when I visited my boyfriend today. I am not energized enough to try to write this one out. I think I need to note that there is some discomfort, that way I'll be sure to sit with it, keep my night light and healthy and just let the answers come when they are ready.
I have a client that has started to become a very good friend. I get terrified at close friendships. I usually disappear when I feel someone getting too close. But I love her to pieces and I think that if I were to say this aloud she would simply be able to keep our relationship comfortable. It's so nice to have a close friend, but it's also so nice to know that that close friend knows when not to get too close.
My roof is leaking. Nothing new. My house has not been worked on in gee, 28 years. That's how long it has been "empty" sitting here rotting. Poor old house. It really is a fixer upper that constantly catches people's eye. If one more person asks me, "Why doesn't your father fix it up..." I'll turn and look them calmly in the eye and say, "I don't know but you can ask him." Yes! That's what I'll do. Usually I go into the schpiel that he is crazy. Which, most people generally understand. But my father is a town fixture and people are curious about him. He scowls and has been known to do some very odd things. He keeps all his properties in slum-like conditions because he "doesn't want the government" to rule his freedom, etc. But the reasons go a lot deeper than that. However, since he is unapproachable people tend to try to find out about him through me.
I was told today that another person at the gym has gone to get her certification for spin and that I will lose one of my classes to her. I have the most classes of all the instructors so it's only fair. Also, I think I'm teaching too much...stresses me out rather than relieves stress. BUT, my god do I feel threatened! I'm so surprised at myself. I flushed in the face and felt an almost cry like feeling. I panicked, and went to talk about it with my friend. Just talking helps, it's weird. Then tonight, my old karate teacher called and is giving another class. We live in such a small town that there are not just classes offered any ole time. So, you see, I can drop a spin, which relieves me from the same people, relieves those people from me, I will hang on to my others and those people will berenewed and refreshed and not burnt out on my instucting, and I'll also get to throw in a karate class. (The sensei is so damn gorgeous that last time when he wrapped his fingers around my neck to show me how to get out of a choke hold, I just blushed and didn't move! Why would I want to throw your adorable hands off me! Hee hee hee hee)! I have to say that karate is a challenge for me because these are physical moves that are used in self-defense, not offense. So much of karate is centering and meditational (so I've been told) which is not my strong point. I simply want to karate kick someone's face off. Maybe I'll look into boxing? No, no, no.......I need peace and in that comes strength.
I have a client that has started to become a very good friend. I get terrified at close friendships. I usually disappear when I feel someone getting too close. But I love her to pieces and I think that if I were to say this aloud she would simply be able to keep our relationship comfortable. It's so nice to have a close friend, but it's also so nice to know that that close friend knows when not to get too close.
My roof is leaking. Nothing new. My house has not been worked on in gee, 28 years. That's how long it has been "empty" sitting here rotting. Poor old house. It really is a fixer upper that constantly catches people's eye. If one more person asks me, "Why doesn't your father fix it up..." I'll turn and look them calmly in the eye and say, "I don't know but you can ask him." Yes! That's what I'll do. Usually I go into the schpiel that he is crazy. Which, most people generally understand. But my father is a town fixture and people are curious about him. He scowls and has been known to do some very odd things. He keeps all his properties in slum-like conditions because he "doesn't want the government" to rule his freedom, etc. But the reasons go a lot deeper than that. However, since he is unapproachable people tend to try to find out about him through me.
I was told today that another person at the gym has gone to get her certification for spin and that I will lose one of my classes to her. I have the most classes of all the instructors so it's only fair. Also, I think I'm teaching too much...stresses me out rather than relieves stress. BUT, my god do I feel threatened! I'm so surprised at myself. I flushed in the face and felt an almost cry like feeling. I panicked, and went to talk about it with my friend. Just talking helps, it's weird. Then tonight, my old karate teacher called and is giving another class. We live in such a small town that there are not just classes offered any ole time. So, you see, I can drop a spin, which relieves me from the same people, relieves those people from me, I will hang on to my others and those people will berenewed and refreshed and not burnt out on my instucting, and I'll also get to throw in a karate class. (The sensei is so damn gorgeous that last time when he wrapped his fingers around my neck to show me how to get out of a choke hold, I just blushed and didn't move! Why would I want to throw your adorable hands off me! Hee hee hee hee)! I have to say that karate is a challenge for me because these are physical moves that are used in self-defense, not offense. So much of karate is centering and meditational (so I've been told) which is not my strong point. I simply want to karate kick someone's face off. Maybe I'll look into boxing? No, no, no.......I need peace and in that comes strength.
