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Atay 
8:03pm, July 20, 2009
Gee, I notice I tend to pick at my nose when I'm online! How totally gross! That means I am going to do less reading and more journal entries to keep my fingers typing!
Big changes coming my way. I may move in with my mother. Which, actually isn't a bad thing. I'm 40 years old and have a 10 year old daughter. I love my mom and we get along dearly. I live in one of her houses that has not been repaired since it was built. 1908. Yes, it's falling down. So, she needs to restore it and then rent it out, which there is no way in hell I could ever pay the amount of rent. This is all just too weird.
My mood was okay yesterday, until about 3 p.m. That's the usual. I have a plan that works for me for now, but it won't work for long. I take an Ultram if I'm getting so low down that I feel it's going near a self-injury level. It picks me up enough to get me through a day, depressed and all. If I'm suicidal, I take 1/2 a vicodin. That has happened thrice last week, which is way too much. But, for now, this is what is getting me through until we find another way. I am learning to live with the depression. I'm just now starting to accept it and I KNOW the moments pass. But, when I just came out of an 8 month horror story, hospital and all, I am going to do ANYTHING to not go back.
For today, I love me. I am One. I am One. I am One.
UPDATED GOALS
To Like myself
Progress 20%
Encouragements: 1
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Comments
That is good that you can say I love yourself. My oldest son has been doing that for years. I can't tell myself that yet but I am working on it.
2stressed
TMI. Ick I'd hate to use your keyboard.
BTW why do you take a pain pill for suicide ideation? It is a medicine for pain. Using pain meds for anything other then for treating pain is drug misuse/abuse.
Doesn't your dr have you on anti-depressant meds? If not, ask for some.
Look into DBT therapy to help with your SH and suicide ideation, DBT works well for many who work on these thoughts and behaviors . Hugs.
mianutzy
Hi. Yes, taking pain meds for anything other than pain is abuse/misuse. And, since I am suicidal once a month, I keep it limited. I am well aware that I am using. I will look into DBT, never heard of it. I am on lots of anti-depressants, yes. But, nothing works. So, I just keep truckin' along. I appreciate your input.
Atay