whirlwind of a day
boy today has been a whirl wind of emotions first a wake up wondering what its ging on with my brother after he went to …
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AshleyAnn05 
5:20pm, October 14, 2009
I think I've been staring at my screen for about 20 minutes now wondering where to begin. Pulling my hair has consumed my life for so long. Its like nothing I've ever had to deal with. Its beyond a struggle and quite the battle day in and day out. Pulling for me has become in my eyes, very similar to a gambling addiction.
When I pull, its a game. The name of the game for me, is to get the root. I'm willing to do just about anything to my hair to get a root. After I get one, I just pull it off and go for the next. If that's not feeding into the game aspect of an addiction, I don't know what is. I mentally expect more from myself. Its like I don't understand why the hell I pull, yet I do. I put everything on hold to pull. Just like a gambling addict empties their wallet into slots or a crap table.You would think that once I got a root, game over. WRONG. That's when the game really begins because I want to get more and more. Its just like gambling. You play and play until you win. Once you win, you gamble it all away. The house always wins and the player looses. I would think I'm smart enough to know when to walk away from pulling, but I'm not.
When I am done pulling, I walk away empty handed. A loser with nothing but the hair on the floor. Its so sad that something can take only seconds to destroy, yet take months upon months to fix. The thing that bothers me the most, is that this is all on me. I'm the one that pulls, the one that hurts myself and loses in the end. I'm going to make this addiction my top priority that has to stop, right now. I'm scared as hell though. I'm not scared of losing my hair. I'm petrafied that my fiance isn't going to find me attractive anymore. He's going to wake up one morning and its going to hit him like a ton of bricks. That he won't find me cute or beautiful anymore.
So last night my fiance was asking if I wanted to get counceling for this. I really want to prove to myself and him that I don't need that. I can do this on my own. I started it myself and I can stop it myself. I just don't know how. =( My plan of attack starting today is just don't touch my hair unless I'm in the shower or doing it afterwards. Don't touch my hair for any reason and keep my hands where I can see them.
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justme2009
*big hugs*
be strong girl....you can do it :)
doublenjenn7
you CAN do this!! i know that the pull-pleasure is a hard thing to resist, but you can do it! try telling yourself that the pleasure from the hair pull is just not as great as the pleasure from having resisted, and feel PROUD that you can resist! build up your confidence by knowing that you can teach yourself to control your hands, just a little bit at a time. as you feel a little more able to be aware of your pulling, try changing your habits just a little bit at a time. nothing scary, nothing intimidating, no crazy unreachable goals! maybe try just talking to your hand when it goes up to your hair - just tell it "no thank you" and put it back down - you may have to do this 20 or 30 times or more, who knows, but try to do it every single time. it may not feel like you are doing much, but you ARE teaching yourself to be aware. it's ok if you falter and pull AS LONG AS you don't give up!!! keep trying t be aware, keep trying to resist. beating trich is war!! we'll lose some soldiers along the way before the bgattle is won.
*hug* be well. have a beautiful weekend!
phrannie
bear hugs ash, i dont think u need counseling either, you can do this with the help of fiance n friends like me. know i luv ya my friend
robertbm
Ashley we are all here for you and know that you CAN do this. Maybe you could substitute something for the pulling. Everytime you reach up to pull pick up a pen and paper and write something, just write what you feel at that moment. Maybe in time you will be writing instead of pulling. Just a thought. Debbie
dbain