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AshleyAnn05 
5:20pm, October 14, 2009
this journal entry is well over due. Its something I've been putting off for some time. The last few months have been a complete and utter roller coaster. I had a break through with my pulling and stopped for 91 straight days. My hair is actually growing back like I've always wanted it to. This last few days, well more like the last week, I gave in and started pulling. I am hoping that I am back on the right track and that I'm back to not pulling.
I finally confronted a demon in my past. When I was 12, my sisters fiance and I started hanging out. He was 24 at the time. I thought that he was the brother I never had and always wanted. Turns out that he wanted me. He ended feeling me up several times under my clothes and asking me if I liked it and if it felt good. I was 12, I had no idea what to say or do. So I just stopped talking to him, stopped hanging out. Long story short, 11 years later, my sister ends up marrying him, built a house and 2 kids. I decided that I would never tell anyone about what happened. I ended up confronting my brother in law after all this time. Turns out he wanted me and wanted to be more than just friends. He confessed all this in a series of emails. Everytime I see him, I just wanna punch him in the face. He puts on this fake ass persona that he's so wholesome and he could never do wrong. I told my now fiance and I did tell me dad. My dad just about flipped. He was shocked but he thought maybe he was attracted to me. I'm not going to tell my sister about what happened between us. She is the type of person that would flip the blame on me and make me suffer more than I already have. It just kept eating away at me everytime I saw him and the way he would act around me. He always says things like, Hey Ash, wanna help me go get some pop or whatever. I look at him like, are you kidding me you ugly ass peter griffin look-a-like, not I'm not going to help you. Why so you can try to have history repeat itself? It will NEVER happen again. Not with him or any other guy.
I finally confronted a demon in my past. When I was 12, my sisters fiance and I started hanging out. He was 24 at the time. I thought that he was the brother I never had and always wanted. Turns out that he wanted me. He ended feeling me up several times under my clothes and asking me if I liked it and if it felt good. I was 12, I had no idea what to say or do. So I just stopped talking to him, stopped hanging out. Long story short, 11 years later, my sister ends up marrying him, built a house and 2 kids. I decided that I would never tell anyone about what happened. I ended up confronting my brother in law after all this time. Turns out he wanted me and wanted to be more than just friends. He confessed all this in a series of emails. Everytime I see him, I just wanna punch him in the face. He puts on this fake ass persona that he's so wholesome and he could never do wrong. I told my now fiance and I did tell me dad. My dad just about flipped. He was shocked but he thought maybe he was attracted to me. I'm not going to tell my sister about what happened between us. She is the type of person that would flip the blame on me and make me suffer more than I already have. It just kept eating away at me everytime I saw him and the way he would act around me. He always says things like, Hey Ash, wanna help me go get some pop or whatever. I look at him like, are you kidding me you ugly ass peter griffin look-a-like, not I'm not going to help you. Why so you can try to have history repeat itself? It will NEVER happen again. Not with him or any other guy.
Comments
day in and day out, I give you my all
and in return you never catch me when I fall
your always telling me i'm this and I'm that
how about I am the best that you've ever had?
I try so hard to see things through your point of view
there are so many things that I just wish you knew
the way you have an attitude with the things you say
and I'm the one always apologizing to make things okay
I'm the one that's always in the wrong and is upset
sometimes I wonder if your still happy that we even met
you say I make you happy, yet I'm always making you mad
you think I'm being too emotional over overreating when I'm sad
I wonder what its going to take for you see
and in return you never catch me when I fall
your always telling me i'm this and I'm that
how about I am the best that you've ever had?
I try so hard to see things through your point of view
there are so many things that I just wish you knew
the way you have an attitude with the things you say
and I'm the one always apologizing to make things okay
I'm the one that's always in the wrong and is upset
sometimes I wonder if your still happy that we even met
you say I make you happy, yet I'm always making you mad
you think I'm being too emotional over overreating when I'm sad
I wonder what its going to take for you see
that your words and actions hurt me
Comments
-
very well done i luv u ash
-
you know what you need to do, if i am readign this right, you already know.
here I sit, alone by myself
all these thoughts continue to run through my head
I feel so lost and beyond stressed
in reality I'm speechless, there isn't anything I haven't said
when its dark, its time for me to go home
the silence haunts me, as I begin to cry
My heart races as I realize I can't go anywhere
I miss my freedom, I miss just driving around
feeling my hair blow in the wind
I wish someone was here to talk to listen to laugh
I put on this tough persona, but its just for show
there's only a few people who know how I really am
all these thoughts continue to run through my head
I feel so lost and beyond stressed
in reality I'm speechless, there isn't anything I haven't said
when its dark, its time for me to go home
the silence haunts me, as I begin to cry
My heart races as I realize I can't go anywhere
I miss my freedom, I miss just driving around
feeling my hair blow in the wind
I wish someone was here to talk to listen to laugh
I put on this tough persona, but its just for show
there's only a few people who know how I really am
Past Entries
| August 2009 |
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Friday, 8/21
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Sunday, 8/09
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Monday, 8/03
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July 2009 |
Friday, 7/03
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June 2009 |
Friday, 6/26
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Sunday, 6/14
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Friday, 6/05
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Tuesday, 6/02
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May 2009 |
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Saturday, 5/23
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Wednesday, 5/20
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Friday, 5/15
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Sunday, 5/10
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April 2009 |
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Wednesday, 4/22
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Sunday, 4/19
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March 2009 |
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Friday, 3/27
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Monday, 3/23
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Thursday, 3/19
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Tuesday, 3/17
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Friday, 3/13
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Friday, 3/13
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Tuesday, 3/10
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Friday, 3/06
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Thursday, 3/05
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Thursday, 3/05
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January 2009 |
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Thursday, 1/29
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Friday, 1/02
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December 2008 |
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Monday, 12/29
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Monday, 12/29
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Monday, 12/22
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Monday, 12/22
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Tuesday, 12/16
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Sunday, 12/14
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Saturday, 12/06
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Friday, 12/05
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Wednesday, 12/03
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Tuesday, 12/02
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November 2008 |
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Tuesday, 11/25
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September 2008 |
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Tuesday, 9/02
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June 2008 |
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Sunday, 6/15
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March 2008 |
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Thursday, 3/20
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Tuesday, 3/04
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February 2008 |
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Thursday, 2/28
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January 2008 |
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Thursday, 1/31
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Monday, 1/28
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Thursday, 1/24
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Wednesday, 1/16
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Sunday, 1/13
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Saturday, 1/12
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Thursday, 1/10
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Tuesday, 1/08
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Saturday, 1/05
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Goal Updated
ok 1st thing is im very happy 4 u that you make it this long n not pullin keep up the hard work hun n the 2ed thing is im soo sorry that something like that happen 2 you n just want you kno im here if you ever need to talk bout nething
justme2009