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PMarsh 
8:44pm, March 19, 2009
I'm feeling really sad at the moment. Sad because I have no one, and sad because I'm too afraid to find someone. Even for friendship. I'm too afraid to try to make new friends because I feel like I'd just screw it up anyway. I know most of the things I don't like about myself are caused by the Keppra: the anger, the impatience (I've always been impatient) with myself and anyone else, etc. Not taking the Keppra isn't an option right now.
I can't go to see a neurosurgeon until things are secure with my job - I have one, but have a better offer with a new company, and it's all up in the air. The benefits with my current company (I've been with them for almost four years) are much better than at the one with more money. Anyway, I cannot consider surgery just now.
I feel as though I am trapped in this way of being that I hate, and even the upped dose of Lexapro isn't helping. I mean, I'm taking the Keppra with all its nasty side effects, and so I take other pills to counteract the side effects. The other pills have their own bad side effects... It's like trying to put out a raging fire - just when you think you've put it out, another flame springs up.
I cannot live like this, where I put away bad feelings on a shelf so that I can continue to "function," and later on is when I have days like this one where I feel I can't take any of it anymore.
If only I hadn't been so stupid back in 1990, and never had my accident, my whole life would now be different. Perhaps I'd have been married by now, with children of my own. I'll never know. I only know that I'm 37 with absolutely fuck all to show for it. I am still a stupid girl with no anchor in her life, and nowhere to go, but all damn day to get there.
Comments
Paige I hear your anger, hurt, loneliness and regret. I'm so sorry that you had this accident and that it had such devastating results. You are right that your life would be different, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it would be perfect -- a "non-injured" brain isn't a guarantee of prosperity and happiness. Please don't think that I'm minimizing how serious this is for you and how difficult it is to cope with both the injury and the treatment, because I can tell both from your writing. I just want you to know that you are not alone in being irritable and angry (I'm both most of the time), frustrated that meds either don't work or have unwanted side effects that interfere with normal functioning and in having regrets for decisions that can never be rescinded. My heart goes out to you and my prayers as well. May God's grace abound in your life.
CynthiaJ