Journal

This morning I forgot to give my cat her pain meds before I left for work.  She's been doing so well for the last several days, and I just forgot.  It's hard for me to see her do so well, but to remember she's not really herself, as she seems.

I came home several hours early to give her the meds, and I just gave her some before bed.  I'll remember to give her a dose before I leave tomorrow for work.

Yesterday afternoon I found out that the work contract I'm on was cut back to part time hours due to funding.  I'm now looking for another position within my company and without.  I have gotten three jobs over the last year, meaning I've had to look that many times. 

I swear that I'm having enough to worry about without having to worry about my job too.  I mean, I have Isabella and her cancer, I have a possible second type of seizure (absence, or petit mal) that I haven't had time to take care of, and now the stupid job too.  Thank goodness I haven't bought a house yet, even though I'd hoped to have one by now.  That's one thing I don't have to worry about.  I had to spend several thousand dollars on a vet stay when Isabella was first diagnosed with masses on her spleen, and thank god I had my tax return waiting in savings to take care of half of that.  

Seriously, I've had enough crap happening for a while.  Enough.

I'm feeling really sad at the moment.  Sad because I have no one, and sad because I'm too afraid to find someone.  Even for friendship.  I'm too afraid to try to make new friends because I feel like I'd just screw it up anyway.  I know most of the things I don't like about myself are caused by the Keppra:  the anger, the impatience (I've always been impatient) with myself and anyone else, etc.  Not taking the Keppra isn't an option right now. 

I can't go to see a neurosurgeon until things are secure with my job - I have one, but have a better offer with a new company, and it's all up in the air.  The benefits with my current company (I've been with them for almost four years) are much better than at the one with more money.  Anyway, I cannot consider surgery just now.

I feel as though I am trapped in this way of being that I hate, and even the upped dose of Lexapro isn't helping.  I mean, I'm taking the Keppra with all its nasty side effects, and so I take other pills to counteract the side effects.  The other pills have their own bad side effects...  It's like trying to put out a raging fire - just when you think you've put it out, another flame springs up.

I cannot live like this, where I put away bad feelings on a shelf so that I can continue to "function," and later on is when I have days like this one where I feel I can't take any of it anymore.

If only I hadn't been so stupid back in 1990, and never had my accident, my whole life would now be different.  Perhaps I'd have been married by now, with children of my own.  I'll never know.  I only know that I'm 37 with absolutely fuck all to show for it.  I am still a stupid girl with no anchor in her life, and nowhere to go, but all damn day to get there.