Journal Entry for February 13, 2008
February 13, 2008 3:17pm
Don't know why but the date on the previous entry is wrong, it's showing up as Jan 16, but it's actually Feb. 13th. Weird.
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hopefulgrl
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About Me
hopefulgrl
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About Me
I work in Credit/Collections, have two grown children and two grand-daughters, and am recently married. I, like my birth father, have suffered from depression for quite some time. I'm on meds, Effexor and clonazapam. The work most of the time, but the meds have made me gain weight and I have gained almost 25 pounds in one year. I was in a 4 during the lowest of my depression, and now I just had to purchase size 10 because all my clothes no longer fit. I'm about 5'2" so being around 150 is NOT healthy especially since congestive heart trouble runs in my family. My background, my birth father abandoned my mother, brother, and I when I was about one. My mother met the man I call dad, when I was about 14 months old and ended up marrying him a week after my 3rd birthday. They are still married, in fact they are celebrating their 35th anniversary today. But he's an alcoholic and although he's no where near where he used to be with drinking, it's something he still struggles with every day. I spent my time while growing up trying to get away because I couldn't stand seeing him drunk all the time. I got married young, had my daughter at 17 and my son at 19, stayed married for 14 years and then got divorced because a so called "friend" of ours raped me. After telling my husband, he just couldn't deal with my "being with someone else". The divorce was VERY hard on the kids. I rebounded and married again within months and found it was a HUGE mistake. He cheated on me, verbally, physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me. We split up after he started abusing my son, as the police put him in their squad car on Christmas eve. My son had only drank the wrong milk (he bought his mom soy milk for a pie and my son drank some of that) and by the time I got home from a run to the store he, my son, had whelps from his neck down to his buttocks that could be felt through his shirt. Needless to say, my son and I left the state and I divorced him. I moved here five years ago and I'm married again. I found my birth father about a year ago and have been in contact with him ever since. But found out, he has as many issues, if not more than I do. Which is probably where I get all this. Anyway, shortly after I moved here I met a wonderful man whom I probably don't deserve. We've been together over four years now and he puts up with a lot from me and my past. My mood swings, hospitalizations, frets of rage, nightmares, etc.. But he hangs in there. We got married two months ago and he loves me no matter what. We have a beautiful home in Old Hickory, TN and we've been re-doing the house; painting rooms, window treatments, etc. So now that I've got a stable person and relationship, I wonder; why do I still get so depressed? I struggle with it almost every day. I have no friends and don't understand why. I'm friendly, easy going, am the first one to offer to help someone in need, listen carefully when someone needs an ear, and I'm not judgmental. Hmmm..... Any ideas or thoughts?
I work in Credit/Collections, have two grown children and two grand-daughters, and am recently married. I, like my birth father, have suffered from depression for quite some time. I'm on meds, Effexor and clonazapam. The work most of the time, but the meds have made me gain weight and I have gained almost 25 pounds in one year. I was in a 4 during the lowest of my depression, and now I just had to purchase size 10 because all my clothes no longer fit. I'm about 5'2" so being around 150 is NOT healthy
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Interests
I love music, movies, reading, spending time with my girls, (grand-daughters; I'm a Nana not grandma) and crafty things on occasion. I'm addicted to Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, Nip Tuck, House, and The Closer. And at the top of my list of things to accomplish; feeling better; physically and mentally.
I love music, movies, reading, spending time with my girls, (grand-daughters; I'm a Nana not grandma)
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Journal
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Journal Entry for January 16, 2008
January 16, 2008 4:48am
I haven't been on in a while, crazy life lately. My 18-year old son told me this morning his girlfriend of maybe 3 or 4 months is …
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Journal Entry for January 16, 2008
January 16, 2008 4:42am
I haven't been on here for a few days. Finally finished painting the livingroom/dining room, it looks GREAT!!! I'm so …
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Journal Entry for January 13, 2008
January 13, 2008 2:02pm
Not happy with progress. I'm still gaining due to meds. I hate this!
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Journal Entry for January 13, 2008
January 13, 2008 2:00pm
I'm doing okay today but have to vent for a minute. I'm a giving person. I'm always one of the first to offer to help …
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Hugbook
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Hi! Sounds like you are going through a lot right now. I hope things get better!
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Wow! that is a tough decision your Son & his girlfriend has to make... they are so young too. But things have a way of working out,,,,So don't you worry none. they are old enough to decide what they are going to do. I have been so busy with my book coming out, and I have a TV show to do, plus starting my book signing tour.....but I still try & find time to check out my friends here on DS....Have a Happy Valentines Day!
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i am good
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hang in there
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You are welcome! big hugs!
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Photos
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionI've been suffering from depression for I'm not sure how long. I've had three suicide attempts, obviously unsuccessful. I take medication, but far to often forget about it.
Treatments
- Effexor Somewhat Helpful
- It makes me sick if I take it without food.
- Geodon Working / Worked
- Only side effects were no sex drive and I gained weight.
- Paxil Not Working
- It made me so sick I couldn't take it long enough to tell if it worked.
- Support from Friends & Family Not Working
- No one in my family has gone through this except for my birth father whom I've just come in contact after 36 years. Others just can't fathom why I can't snap out of it.
- Wellbutrin Somewhat Helpful
- Didn't work well enough. Still had suicide attempts.
- Clonazepam Working / Worked
- Still struggling. I tend to forget to take my meds for days at a time. Not a good idea.
Close Physical & Emotional Abuse
I was abused by my ex-husband. He thought it was funny to knock my down stairs, pick me up by my throat, threaten to kill me if I ever left, etc. He also abused me during forced sexual contact. He beat my son (not his) as well, leaving whelps from his neck to the base of his buttocks. I also had two friends who drugged me and raped me. It ruined my marriage, hurt my kids, and I've never had a real friend since.
Treatments
- Art Somewhat Helpful
- I paint ceramics when possible. It only helps to take my mind off of it.
- Divorce Working / Worked
- He's now over 500 miles away and doesn't know exactly where I am, so I'd say that worked. I still have nightmares once in a while though.
- Music Somewhat Helpful
- Depending on the mood and the music, it sometimes helps
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- I heard what the counsellors said, but the techniques weren't very helpful.
- Talking Working / Worked
- Being able to talk to someone who understands and doesn't think I'm stupid for staying as long as I did helps.
- Clonazepam Working / Worked
- It helps. But when I take two it really helps! I get totally zoned and just dont care.
Open Panic Attacks
I've been depressed for what seems like forever. I've been hospitalized three times. I was abused physically, sexually, and emotionally by my ex-husband. I'm re-married to a wonderful man, but it's so hard for him to understand what I'm going through. I'm having a hard time, but hopeful. I have no friends and am hoping to connect with someone who does understand.
Treatments
- Effexor Working / Worked
- Makes me sick if I don't take it with food.
Open Codependency
I've been depressed for what seems like forever. I was abused physically, sexually, and emotionally by my ex-husband. I'm re-married now to a wonderful man, but it's so hard for him to understand what I go through. I have no friends and am hoping to connect with someone who does understand.
Treatments
- \"Codependent No More\" Working / Worked
- I read it, I understood it, but....
Open Fitness Goals
Type: Improve overall fitnessI have been struggling with my weight for as long as I can remember. My mom used to tease me and say I'd end up like my paternal grand-mother who, from what I'm told, was 4 foot something and 300 pounds. I'm not horribly obese, I'm 5'2" and weight 150 lbs and in a size 10, but a year ago I was in a size 4 at 122. My weight continually fluctuates 20 pounds one way then the other. I hate it.
Treatments
- LA Weight Loss Working / Worked
- It worked, but then I got comfortable and .......well, here I am again.
