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Happy New Year all - I hope that wherever you are and whatever you are going through, that the New Year brings you strength and drive to improve from day to day.
A colleague MSN'd me this morning to say that her NewYear eve wasn't all that great - she got home to bed at 4am as her mobile was inundated with so many texts from her friends wishing her well. I used to have that problem. I look back on it now as a lovely problem to have - to be remembered by so many and cared about enough for someone to take the time to write a text and send it. Little things mean a lot to me.
I thought things would be different a couple of years ago. I met this man from Holland. Charming, witty, intelligent. I have always had a problem with trusting people - the 8 years of school bullying saw to that. It took me months to trust him enough to be myself - its so much easier when typing to say and be something a little better than what you are in reality.
Anyway he came over in Easter 2006 to stay with me - our relationship had flourished well and the trust grown enough for me to invite him into my house for the duration. To cut a very long and boring story short, he basically took what he wanted from me and when he returned to Holland after 10 days, he grew more and more distant. Reading and thinking back on this I immediately jump on the "Stupid cow" bandwagon, but it can be so different in reality when you're within the situation and especially when you love and trust the other person so much.
So now I find that I cannot trust anyone ever again. I can't relax enough in other's company to be social and it has all just added to deepen my self hatred and depression. I find myself constantly thinking that the other person is there for their own devices and doesn't really give a toss about anything or anyone else. I always think that they don't really want to hear anything I have to say - unless ofc it is to do with helping, listening to or complimenting them.
There are loads of things that I would say to another if I was the 3rd party in a situation like this, but they are such empty phrases I am ashamed to admit to having used them in the past to comfort and help my so-called friends. I try to understand why things happen the way that they do and that there is a reason for everything, though I am still trying to figure out why my parents were taken - they were such good loving people. But maybe this is why I had to go through this, to understand what they felt as this man was my first partner for everything. I never really thought that I was that bad at empathy to have to go through the feelings first-hand.
Now I see people together laughing and just enjoying each other's company, be it a family get together or a simple day out shopping, I don't feel that I can ever reach that level of interaction any more or ever again. Its like there is a huge wall that is stopping me and I don't know how to remove it or get over it. I never used to be like this - I was a strong person, always sought out for advice and a listening ear. Always told by people that I make them feel so much better and that they love being around me because of my insight and good feeling. Whilst that is a lovely thing to be told and to hear over and over again, I haven't got that in me any more - it appears that I have lost the one thing that made me worth knowing.
Damn I hate being, thinking and writing like this.
