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Toz 
Yeah, more rambling I'm afraid.
I so look forward to the day that I can change my status to something other than 'Horrible' or 'Bad'. I really look forward to the day when it is all back to as it was. But that day will never come will it? Not when I really think about it. This is how my life is atm and its so hard to accept it.
I've cried for another 3 days straight - It leaves you so exhausted doesnt it? I've hardly a voice and yet I still find it to shout at the cat. Poor thing, she just looks for a cuddle, yet on the worst days I cannot be bothered with anything, even her and when I really look at her, it hurts so much to know how I have been with her - she doesnt understand why this maniac she is living with is the way she is.
Ofc I've never hit or hurt her, just shouted and pushed her away off my lap on times. Then I think that I couldnt wish for a better friend and I push them away? And then the crying starts all over again..... sigh.
The nights are getting darker quicker now and I hate it. I am closed off from the outside world in the daytime, but at least there are sounds and life outside my window and the sun/rain to watch. Now, I am cocooned away from about tea time, not being able to wait until the following morning again.
I've stalled well and proper. I was hoping that years after I would be able to at least feel a little better in my mind - but nothing, no step forwards. I went shopping today because I had run out of cat food, but could hardly look at anyone - and couldnt wait to get back into my car and get home. Even tho perversely I was loving the sun and breeze on my face for a change and the smell of the fresh air. Just a shame that I have to interact with people to get through a day.
I have thought more and more about suicide. I have my place decided upon and thought about how things need to be tied up: my cat's well-being (I know my sister would take and look after her); the sale of my house and a letter explaining all to my sister. The only thing I can't figure out is a painless method - but I'll keep looking.
That isnt a cry for help, really it isnt. I dont need people telling me it is wrong and bad and to think about those left behind. Believe me I have thought about all that. I am just being honest.
Yes I would leave a sister behind. She is the only family I have left. Altho she is far too busy trying to survive her own ball of stress for me to lay everything at her door. Besides, when I do step towards it all I feel shut down and get the "Ah well, that's life" kinda response from her. Understandable really, she is stressed and has a LOT to do every single day - why on earth would she want or be able to listen to me too. I dont blame her at all - though I do miss her and what we had terribly. The small amount of time I get to spend with her is nice ofc, but then there is the leaving all over again and reality kicks me back into touch.
Its pointless saying "One day..." or thinking that there will be someone to help/rescue me. Stuff like that only happens in the movies.... real life sucks, hard. No matter how hard I try, I get kicked back further and further. I miss having friends, I miss having a home (I have a house.... a world of difference from a Home), I miss my family and my old life - and the scary thing is, I cant get any of it back, ever.
