Journal

Enjoy your problems - I am done being the eternal listener and then ignored when I need someone.

One thing I never lost is my sense of compassion to others and made time to listen or acknowledge, well until now.

I'd love to be able to say that this site is fab, that I have felt better since joining and that I have found some friends, but tbh its all shite.

This site is about as helpful as a spongeful of razors (well, I guess some would call that very helpful) and the only thing that has happened in my time here?  Is that I feel even more used and unwanted.  Kudos to you all for that!

How much more am I supposed to deal with?

My sister, the only remaining family I have any connection with, just PM'd me to say that she cancelled her operation for Monday.  This was an essential op for her and something that can be a big threat to her health if she leaves it be.

The great NHS waiting lists here mean that it can be years before she gets another chance.

This woman has 5 children.  One legged it to Cardiff as soon as she could and we rarely hear anything from her. The eldest is currently a model altho is hardly being paid, technically out of work until she is wanted and contributes nothing but further stress and upset to their family home.

The next two are in school, one is autistic and takes a lot of attention and work.  The youngest has just started school and demands a lot of attention also.

Her so-called husband is a total sponging loser.  He has had so many jobs I've lost count.  Has a good talent in Photography yet couldnt keep that going.  He is in his 50s and has poor health, so he cant get jobs easily.  My sister is left to look after bills, the home (literally everything, both the male and female roles there), the main bread-winner, looking after the children and no time for herself.

They are severely in debt, cannot get help anywhere and I am the one she comes to to offload all this.  I can't take any more especially now she has given up this operation all because he has walked out on another job and she now needs to do as much as possible, working all hours and taking any extra work she can to keep a roof over their heads.  That also includes all the other shite that she has to put up with and do.

The thought of losing her terrifies me, she's all I have.  There is nothing I can do for her anymore.  Any time that we may have shared when he worked is now impossible (we cannot see each other when he is home as he never really liked me, hates us together and times every little thing that she does).

So without meaning to sound selfish, I have literally nothing anymore.  No social contact other than this site and that is non-existent (dont know why I bother tbh).  No where to turn, no one to turn to, no control over anything that is happening and I have to sit back and watch all this go ahead and see no way out.

And all this "Stay strong" "You're not alone" stuff is total crap.  It is more than painfully clear to me that it is exactly what I am, alone, unwanted, discarded and just there for others to take advantage of when it suits them or if it makes them feel better.  Great frickin existence!

Yeah, more rambling I'm afraid.

I so look forward to the day that I can change my status to something other than 'Horrible' or 'Bad'.  I really look forward to the day when it is all back to as it was.  But that day will never come will it?  Not when I really think about it.  This is how my life is atm and its so hard to accept it.

I've cried for another 3 days straight - It leaves you so exhausted doesnt it?  I've hardly a voice and yet I still find it to shout at the cat.  Poor thing, she just looks for a cuddle, yet on the worst days I cannot be bothered with anything, even her and when I really look at her, it hurts so much to know how I have been with her - she doesnt understand why this maniac she is living with is the way she is.

Ofc I've never hit or hurt her, just shouted and pushed her away off my lap on times.  Then I think that I couldnt wish for a better friend and I push them away?  And then the crying starts all over again..... sigh.

The nights are getting darker quicker now and I hate it.  I am closed off from the outside world in the daytime, but at least there are sounds and life outside my window and the sun/rain to watch.  Now, I am cocooned away from about tea time, not being able to wait until the following morning again.

I've stalled well and proper.  I was hoping that years after I would be able to at least feel a little better in my mind - but nothing, no step forwards.  I went shopping today because I had run out of cat food, but could hardly look at anyone - and couldnt wait to get back into my car and get home.  Even tho perversely I was loving the sun and breeze on my face for a change and the smell of the fresh air.  Just a shame that I have to interact with people to get through a day.

I have thought more and more about suicide.  I have my place decided upon and thought about how things need to be tied up:  my cat's well-being (I know my sister would take and look after her); the sale of my house and a letter explaining all to my sister.  The only thing I can't figure out is a painless method - but I'll keep looking.

That isnt a cry for help, really it isnt.  I dont need people telling me it is wrong and bad and to think about those left behind.  Believe me I have thought about all that.  I am just being honest.

Yes I would leave a sister behind.  She is the only family I have left.  Altho she is far too busy trying to survive her own ball of stress for me to lay everything at her door.  Besides, when I do step towards it all I feel shut down and get the "Ah well, that's life" kinda response from her.  Understandable really, she is stressed and has a LOT to do every single day - why on earth would she want or be able to listen to me too.  I dont blame her at all - though I do miss her and what we had terribly.  The small amount of time I get to spend with her is nice ofc, but then there is the leaving all over again and reality kicks me back into touch.

Its pointless saying "One day..."  or thinking that there will be someone to help/rescue me.  Stuff like that only happens in the movies.... real life sucks, hard.  No matter how hard I try, I get kicked back further and further.  I miss having friends, I miss having a home (I have a house.... a world of difference from a Home), I miss my family and my old life - and the scary thing is, I cant get any of it back, ever.