coffeelady's Journal

What a weekend this was.  I am more confused now than ever.  Friday night I told H that Saturday I was going to go look for a place to live.  At first he was so angry, he kept saying things like,”you have to pay for half of the utilities for June and until you move.”  And that he would cancel my car insurance today.  And on and on and on.  I said I wasn’t going to argue and went upstairs to my room.  Not 10 minutes later he was at my door all soft and sweet, practically begging me not to go.  I told him I was going as I had already made 3 appointments to look at places.  Nothing he could say was going to stop me.  I had made the plans and I was going to follow through.   After a while, I went downstairs and he asked if we could talk.  I agreed.  And so we sat on the sofa and talked.  He admitted that most of what I had been telling him all along was true and that he had problems that he doesn’t know how to deal with.  He admitted that the sex issue was totally wrong, and that it was his fault not mine that it had gone so wrong.  He doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that he has ED.  I told him that blaming me and making me jump through hoops for sex was totally wrong.  I told him that it had gotten to the point that I didn’t care if I ever had sex with him again, because that’s all it is, is sex.  There was no love involved whatsoever.  He begged me to give him 2 months to show me that he could change.  My answer was, “I gave you 2 years!” If I give him two months, I just know that it will be the same thing all over again.  I just know it.  But in the back of my mind, I can’t help thinking that I should.  My daughter is very upset at thinking that I might give him the 2 months.  I just don’t know what to do right now.  Saturday, I was sitting at my mom’s house waiting for my daughter to get there, and I told my mom that I was unsure and this is what I said,” I am putting it in God’s hands.   If I find a place today, then I’ll know I’m supposed to move, if I don’t then I’m not.”  Well I didn’t put a deposit down on anything.  But I did get information on some more places.  I have two applications to fill out, but both have some drawbacks.    One place was really nice, but there was no place for my dog to be outside at all, not even a patio.  The second place, wants a years lease, and I hate to move somewhere and be stuck there for a year, and it also only had a tiny patio - but it was better than nothing.  what if I don’t like it there?   I’m not sure what to do at this point.  I have a few to call today, one that I’m really interested in, but don’t know if they allow pets.  Will have to see.