HaniBani's Journal

My GP took me off of Wellbutrin this past week after I exhibited increased anxiety, over-the-top energy (couldn't get tired), increased panic attacks, and confusion. I really wasn't feeling like myself, and it scared the bejesus out of me. I hate to admit it, but I felt like I was in the realm of self-destruction and dementia. I just wanted to bolt out in the middle of the night and just keep running until I disappeared.

I stopped taking it on Friday, and began taking Ellavil on Saturday night. I'm still taking Xanax as needed and before bedtime. I'm terrified I'm going to gain weight on Ellavil, but I'm willing to give it a shot. So far, it just makes me sleep like a log with no remembrance of nightmares, which is a huge change for me! Any sign of weight change or increased appetite, and I will be dropping them immediately.

I don't know if it's just going to take time and counseling for me to feel better, but I feel pretty depressed right now. Last night, I had to attend a dinner with some of my husband's co-workers and their wives, which is the LAST thing I can deal with right now. For political reasons, I decided to go anyway, and I pretty much just stared down at my hands the entire time and tried to avoid conversation. I thought I was going to lose it! One of the other wives seemed very jealous and competitive with me, even though I just quietly sat there. My husband mentioned on the way back home that he noticed it too ---but I don't know if it's because I'm much younger than her or that she thought I was prettier than her?

On top of that, we had to travel far from home, and through mountains where it was snowing pretty hard (I haven't seen snowy roads since our bad car accident back in March), and I had a panic attack right there in the car and started crying and freaking out.

I'm hiding at home today as usual, and I have no intentions of even talking to anyone (even family) today. I shut down for up to weeks and months after horrifying events like these.