Crikey's Journal

Not online for a few days & I feel terrible. I wrote in my offline journal, but not here. As some of you know, I take care of my dad, who has Alzheimer's. Yesterday was a particularly putrid day. It started at 4:01 in the morning, with me waking up in a panic with the thought that "I only exist on the grid!" I was trapped in a panic that I was like someone on the Matrix & had no real physical body. I was just a figment of electronics,with no real will of my own. Mind you, I'm not a big Matrix fan, and I only saw the movie about a year ago. Why it would bubble up from my subconscious at this time I can only propose as due to my current situation, and the feeling that I have no control over the goings on in my own life. Prior to waking, I have never had a panic attack. But that irrational feeling I had after waking is as close as I ever hope to come. It was dreadful! I popped two Benadryl, and eventually fell back to sleep as I reminded myself that I am a mental health professional, and this is only one of the many psychological phenomena that can plague people, and that it would go away.

When I awoke again, I was fine, with the exception of my eyes. They were poofy enough that I could have easily been mistaken for Kermit, if I was a little more green! As if to sense my unease, my father was belligerant all day. What the Hell? He gets on these kicks where he needs to rummage through everything, move things, take things, hide things. crazy stuff that people with Alzheimer's do. Unfortunately, it was already a bad day for me and my tolerance for his idiosyncracies was not its best. Never question or confront the behavior of someone with Alzheimer's. I know this; but I didn't have my clinician's hat on. Hence, my stupidity. Oh did we have words!

Fortunately, we apologized after our spat. As anyone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome knows, emotional upheavals like this can leave you exhausted for days. Unfortunately, my mood must be updated for the worse. However, I hope I'll be back to my better self soon. Thanks to all who have sent hugs and messages. You are wonderful; and I am thankful to have found you, and you to have found me here on DS. Thanks for the hugs and encouraging words. This is a great place!