Journal

Not online for a few days & I feel terrible. I wrote in my offline journal, but not here. As some of you know, I take care of my dad, who has Alzheimer's. Yesterday was a particularly putrid day. It started at 4:01 in the morning, with me waking up in a panic with the thought that "I only exist on the grid!" I was trapped in a panic that I was like someone on the Matrix & had no real physical body. I was just a figment of electronics,with no real will of my own. Mind you, I'm not a big Matrix fan, and I only saw the movie about a year ago. Why it would bubble up from my subconscious at this time I can only propose as due to my current situation, and the feeling that I have no control over the goings on in my own life. Prior to waking, I have never had a panic attack. But that irrational feeling I had after waking is as close as I ever hope to come. It was dreadful! I popped two Benadryl, and eventually fell back to sleep as I reminded myself that I am a mental health professional, and this is only one of the many psychological phenomena that can plague people, and that it would go away.

When I awoke again, I was fine, with the exception of my eyes. They were poofy enough that I could have easily been mistaken for Kermit, if I was a little more green! As if to sense my unease, my father was belligerant all day. What the Hell? He gets on these kicks where he needs to rummage through everything, move things, take things, hide things. crazy stuff that people with Alzheimer's do. Unfortunately, it was already a bad day for me and my tolerance for his idiosyncracies was not its best. Never question or confront the behavior of someone with Alzheimer's. I know this; but I didn't have my clinician's hat on. Hence, my stupidity. Oh did we have words!

Fortunately, we apologized after our spat. As anyone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome knows, emotional upheavals like this can leave you exhausted for days. Unfortunately, my mood must be updated for the worse. However, I hope I'll be back to my better self soon. Thanks to all who have sent hugs and messages. You are wonderful; and I am thankful to have found you, and you to have found me here on DS. Thanks for the hugs and encouraging words. This is a great place!

Despite feeling like I have a gnat buzzing around in my sinuses, I'm feeling pretty good today. Part of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or M.E., as I think they refer to it in the UK, is chronic sinus and allergy issues. Fortunately, we can now get Zyrtec over-the-counter here, albeit, for a ridiculously high price. When I'm in the UK, I can purchase it at Boots for 3 GBP for a 21 day supply. It's been a miracle drug for my allergies.

I am living, breathing proof that getting involved in the DS groups and reaching out helps. I've made some wonderful new friends, and even though I'm still in the same conundrum concerning my finances, health, partner, and father. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is not a train! Speaking of which, my heart goes out to the people in Los Angeles, with that horrible train wreck. I'm keeping them in my prayers. Mind you, when I pray, I'm praying to my version of God, even though I still can't seem to shake the big man with the white beard. I'm more of a spiritual person than religious. I was raised Catholic until my parents got divorced when I was 11. My mom had been Presbyterian previously, so I was then going to Presbyterian churches. However, when it came time to send me to a new private school (my parents did not like the public school system down here in Florida), the great compromise resulted in an Episcopalian school, which I thoroughly enjoyed, until I choked one day on Holy Eucharist, and sprayed Father Waterson's vestements with grape juice. It was a complete accident, and even caused Christine Perkins to pee her pants. However, Father Waterson looked at me like I was Linda Blair for the remainder of my years at the school. There must be an affiliation with God in all churches, though. Have you ever noticed that everything seems so much funnier when your in a church? I can't count the number of times I have fought helplessly to supress the worst giggle-fits when in church. I still enjoy the ritual of church, especially the Episcopal/Anglican Church. I love the austerity of huge cathedrals. However, after studying religion, I must admit, there's so much more to it. I now feel the connection with others as I acknowledge a sort of spiritual presence in everyone. I acknowledge a more feminine side of a Higher Power, a Creatrix if you will. When I'm in church, I often pray to Mary more than any of the others. I believe in reincarnation, karma, and other metaphysical things the church frowns upon. I go to Reiki circles, I have crystals. I think "God" gave us a lot of tools and avenues to pursue our spiritual path. Before people can join any of these fundamentalist groups, I firmly believe they should have to study, and I mean study, religion. Would there really be a "god" who would be so dictatorially judgmental, AND hypocritical. "Love thy neighbor as thyself...Judge not lest ye be judged." But no homosexuals, even though "I" made them. It doesn't jive. What so many people don't realize is that, literally, hundreds of gospels were left out of the Bible because they taught reincarnation, were written by "mystics" and endorsed the idea that individuals had the power to perform, what might have been considered "miracles," or they were written by women. How could women possibly know anything about God? (Note sarcasm!). Of course Sarah was an exception. However, our King James version, and those that followed were all the result of editors run amuck! Not only did they leave out the majority of gospels, but they were also encouraged to follow the trend to make beautiful prose of what they had. Great writers were emerging, and it was thought that the Bible should keep up with the literary achievements of the day. Hence, we get a transcription, or translation, if you will, of something more enjoyable, and easy to read, despite all the "begat's." It's a bit upsetting. But I saw through this at 4 years old when I asked my dad, on the way to mass, why "God" would only show up in one part of the world, and all the Native Americans would go to Hell, just because they were born in the wrong place. Come to think of it, I don't think he's ever looked at me the same since that either. Hmmm. But, I digress. Enough of my useless knowledge. At Halloween, perhaps I'll share some of my research into the European "witch trials."

Anyway, thanks to my new friends. I have changed my goal to something much more attainable in my current circumstances. I don't feel like I'm being held hostage anymore. I feel like Sally Field, when she said, "They like me, they really like me..." Not so much like the Sally Field in "Steel Magnolias" when her daughter dies, who is distraught, saying, "I just want to hit something!" Followed up by the sacraficial offering of Shirley MacLaine as "Weezer" by Olympia Dukakis. My favorite use of comic relief in a movie.

Understand that during my writing of this, my cat is challenging my attention with numerous requests to throw the little furry mouse she keeps dropping within my grasp. Yes, I have a cat that plays fetch. I didn't even teach her, and my dog is too old to play anymore. So I'm challenged as to where she learned this----oh I just realized, it must have been the TV. She loves to watch the television. I'm having to block some channels these days! She's a hoot; and is the child I can't have. I swore I was only going to buy a tortoise after the death of my cat, Madison, after 19 years of companionship. I was so distraught after her death, I only wanted a pet that would outlive me. However, after about a year and a half, I made a visit to the pound just before Christmas, and was immediately drawn to a "last of the litter" kitten, whose brothers and sisters had all been adopted. She started out as Jingle; but her name was quickly changed to Sillymoo, as that is exactly what she has proven to be. My partner adopted another "last of the litter" black cat, and they have been like brother and sister, until I brought Sillymoo with me to my dad's. I hope they remember each other when I am able to go home. I will post a picture of her when I get some pictures downloaded.

Well, I certainly wrote a bit. Hope anyone who reads this, or made it this far, doesn't feel like they've wasted their time. I just heard that we should fill ou tanks now, with gas, that is, as it is rumored that gas is going to go up to $5.00/gal. due to Hurricane Ike hitting Texas and Gulf oil rigs. Any excuse to raise the cost of gas/petrol! My heart goes out to those people too. I lived in Miami when Hurricane Andrew hit us. The chimney on my house took the brunt of a tree falling, that would have surely come through the roof, if not for the brick chimney. Talk about gratitude!

Ah! Here's a quote of the day for everyone(I love collecting, what I consider to be, great quotations): "The beginning is the most important part of the work."  -Plato.

I wish everyone a wonderful weekend. Hugs to all.