khardeman's Journal

Life could not be better. After the untimely death of my husband last December I have married a wonderful man that treats me like a princess. We may have moved a little to fast, but to find someone that loves and cares for me so much, how could this be wrong? We come from a different class of people which has been a challenge for me. From upper middle class to, well I'm not sure at times. He makes a good living and I was able to quit my job of almost 12 years. Sometimes I feel I married beneath myself or what I had become over the years. Other times I feel he is to good for me. I went from living in a 3000 sq. ft. house to a 1200 ft delapatated mobile home. Sometimes I feel as if I am moving backwards, but being out in the middle of no-where is soooo nice. I suppose I am a bit anti-social so living in the boonies agree's with me. I gave up a beautiful home for 20 acares of paridise, peace and quiet. I guess I haven't yet in all my years figured out one beauty for another type of beauty. Honestly speaking I get angry about it sometimes, but to be loved so much overrules all else.

The stupid thing is that I have spent the last 15 years thinking my credit score was so important to me. I had to hand my house back over to the bank, and my credit score dropped almost 100 points. I was almost in tears about it yesterday. After going though so much crap, losing my huband then my mother in law, and then my grandson and my husbands dog I still thought this was such a big issue. I think we spend a lot of our lives being brainwashed about what really matters in life. The last wonderful memory I have as a family was last Thanksgiving so this has been heavy on my brain lately with the holiday's coming on. My husband, My daughter, and three of my grandchildren sitting at the kitchen table teaching my oldest grandchild how to sew on a sewing machine while the turkey was cooking. What a wonderful day!!! Then less then two weeks later my husband passed away. Who would have thought that a man just 50 that seemed in such good heath would just die???? It took me a few months, but I knew at that time that I needed to make a good life for myself, time was an issue, and it should always be. If I had not reached out I would not of found the wonderful man I am with now.

All said and done I am feeling pretty fucking good right now. I'll be 50 next month, I never thought I would never see that, I don't know why, but I am almost there and I feel great!!!