zrina11's Journal

Well, it's Xmas today and there is not much I have to feel happy about. It's been another one of those days when I feel like I have to pretend in front of everybody that everything is ok. I haven't slept for days and I am running on auto-pilot. Kids were so excited about the whole Xmas thing and it did make my day when I was putting them to bed and my 8 year old said to me:"Mummy, this was the best Christmas ever!" It brought tears to my eyes for two reasons. 1st, I was glad I pulled it off without them noticing anything's wrong and 2nd reason was that I felt lke I am missing out on things even thought I am present. It is a weird feeling. And I guess there was more to it all. See, I have a secret that I am keeping from everyone. Yes. It is tearing me inside that I can't talk to anyone about it and maybe that's why I started this journal in the first place. What is a big secret that I can tel anyone? Well, I am thinking about leaving my husband. I know it's a big decision but I have been thinking about it for a while and I can't se any other way out. He is just such an ass and sometimes I really can't stand him. How can a most caring man in the world turn out to be such a self centerd idiot????? Why is it all about him? If I am not feeling 100% he'll say something like :"Do you think that I feel well but I still get on with my life." Life? Sitting in front of the computer playing video game online every spare minute he gets can't really be called life, can it? And that is all he does, really. He works 38 hours a week but he spends 60 hours a week on the computer at least. That is not normal. And if he's not playing the game he is out with his friends. The only things he said to me all week is "What is there to eat?" I am supposed to jump up as soon as he asks me that and make him something but do you think that he can  even make me one cup of coffee a month? No way. That's too hard. Why is it that I am expected to go to work 40-50 hours a week, look after teh kids, clean, cook, do gardening.....and the list goes on, and all he does is go to work? And I have Graves on top of all that.

But let's get back to tonight. See, he has a drinking problem and I was going to leave him few months back (long story) but he promised me he'll stop drinking. I also asked him to start paying more attantion to kids andI told him if he wants me to stay with him he'll have to start being a part of the family on birthdays, holidays....Well, yes, he said he would. Yeah, right. Last night (Xmas Eve) we had HIS mum and my mum over for dinner. We all had a great time talking and playing with kids and guess where my not so dear husband was? Yes, playing on the computer. The only time he came out of teh office was when we had dinner and then he rushed back even thought not all of us finished eatting. How rude is that? And another thing that really pissed me off was that I bought him a nice present and he didn't get me anything. His excuse? He didn't know what to get me. Apparently for the last 10 years he didn't know what to get me for Xmas or my birthday. I am sooooooo mad!!!! Then you think, he can't top that off. WRONG! Today we go to my mum's for Xmas lunch and once again, he eats and leaves streight away and I stayed there for few more hours with the kids. Then we get home and I wanted to tell him something but he strted yelling at me for fallowing him around the house. WHAT???? And then not long after that he calles one of his friends and leaves. I tried to call him after 3 hours but he wasn't answering his phone. I called again and there he is drinking. He is drunk as a skunk and then he'll drive my car home. I hate him!!!!!

I get no support from him what so ever but the thing that hurts me the most is that he ignores the kids an they are two very well behaved, smart, amazing kids. Best kids in the world,really. They really haven't done anything to deserv this. And I feel so guilty about it. You know why? Because I am the one who chose their father. I am the one who put them in this position.

How could I do that to them?????