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alaska71 
12:40am, December 19, 2008
i vented on a suport group and wanted to put into my journal:
Since I last posted; I jumped out of the box and gave a guy my phone #. We got together and hit it off right away. I could tell were he wanted it to go and I stopped and told him "I have herpies" his response was "Oh I have it too" I paused for a moment and asked him if he was planning on telling me and his response was "I don't have a breakout and I was going to wear a condom" I did let it go and I had fun for the evening. I was so happy to meet someone,he was good looking, nice body, was very interested in me, but in the end I had no respect for him and his response, definately not relationship material, I said bye-bye. I think to myself...that is how I got into this situation to begin with what was I thinking. Well 5 weeks later I'm pregnate, condom had broke, didn't even think of the morning after pill, now I have the biggest decision to make. So....now that I have vented, I can honestly say I'm good with be alone for awhile again. I've made a huge mistake and jumped into something I thoght would be fun and know look were I'm at. I've never been so careless in my life. I guess I should be venting on my journal. I just wanted to write about my 1st dating experience in 3 yrs as I was to scared to tell the nice guys I had herpies, I went for the bad boy.
A few weeks ago I thought I'd log on and give people hope that how easy it was to open up to somebody and tell them I had herpies. His response was he had it also, I took a moment and asked him "would you have told me if I wouldn't have mentioned I had it?" His response was "I was going to use a condom and I don't have a break out now" i let it go as he was pretty damb good looking and I hadn't been with someone for a long time. We had a great week before he left town as he was only here for work, figured I'd never talk or see him again, I was ok with that. Well 4 weeks later I'm pregnate. I just turned 37 have a 17 yr old son that graduates next year, he lives with me week on week off. I told myself I'd never have a kid out of wedlock again or would I have kids with different fathers. I know the decision I have to make and it's not a good one, I am so mad and disappointed with myself right now as I know once I have the procedure "abortion" my depression will sure kick in. I know I can't afford a child on my own and the dad is a totaly gypsy he would not be around to help physically or financially. I've text message him to call me and help me financially with this and I would never talk to him again, we'll see if I hear from him because to tell you the truth without help I could not afford the procedure on my own. I just found out today after work and I've been researching it and I know emotionally i'm going to regret this for the rest of my life but I know I could not give this child a home that it deserves. I know I"m making excuses and if theres a will there is a way. I know I would fail as a single mom. I have not nor will I tell anyone I'm pregnate and the procedure as I do not want to be judged as I'll be beating myself up enough. I had to write to help get it off my chest for a moment. Thx for listening and plz don't judge me as I really am a good warm hearted person and never thought I'd put myself in this situation.
Comments
It's been awhile since I've been on (exactely how I started my last entry) :) I've done good this summer and my depression. I've made myself stay busy, go camping, got a 2nd job. Figured I better start my support group as winter is right around the corner. I've stayed at me losing 30 lbs but just today I wiped out the exercise ball and told myself to start trying to work on the last 20lbs. I never thought I could do the 30 lbs sooo.... I might as well try.
UPDATED GOALS
Walk on treadmill 15 min
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 0
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Tae Boex2 this weekend
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 0
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Keep at it persistance is the key. I know that sometimes you just don't feel like working out, but you have to make yourself do it. Afterwards you always feel like you are glad you did.
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thank you for the support
Past Entries
| April 2008 |
Monday, 4/28
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January 2008 |
Saturday, 1/26
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Thursday, 1/24
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Saturday, 1/19
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Wednesday, 1/09
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Saturday, 1/05
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Saturday, 1/05
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Wednesday, 1/02
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December 2007 |
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Friday, 12/28
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Sunday, 12/23
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Friday, 12/21
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Tuesday, 12/18
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Tuesday, 12/18
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Goal Updated
No Judging..I know this is a difficult choice for you to make..a very difficult choice..all I wanted to say was my sister had an abortion a few years back and still regrets it to this day...I know it would be difficult because everyone will know you are pregnant..and ask you how you can do it..but can you consider adoption..Is that something you feel you can do??..Ther are sooo many good people out there that cannot have children that could give this child a happy home..I understand how hard it would be to carry it and then give it away..But i feel it would be better to deal with that than the other choice..just trying to help..thoughts and prayers are with you..hugs..write anytime you need to..take care
bsu