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Jcurly 
9:00pm
I am so tiered of not being able to get a break!
Ok, here is the warning! I need to be angry & sad & just plain pissed off... I sat here trying to gather my thoughts before I started to type... and I didn't want to be down... I didn't want to be mad, or depressing... BUT THROUGH ALL MY ANGRY TEARS & THE SCREAMING IN MY HEAD, I AM!!!
I really just need to scream & yell & allow myself to be.... tiered of all this SHIT!!!
(sorry need to curse here!)
I called the OB requesting my results from the mammamogram & u/s. When they finally called me back the nurse said they wanted to "biopsy the mass." It is over 2cm & where she called the one I had biopsied in '04 a fibroid this one she kept calling a "mass." Beside the fact that I am trying to deal with all of my feelings about this "mass," I know it affects EVERYTHING about my next cycle! They are calling the surgeon with the referral & then the surgeon will call me to set apt for the consult... THEN we will have to schedule the biopsy. I don't know it could be at least a week, probably more!
I think that I can quiet my mind & try not to let this all consume me. I can tell myself that it probably is just another fibroid, & that it will not be a big deal, BUT what this all means to my cycle! That is a different story! To my ability to conceive, if nothing more it means I am going to have to wait this month out. The RE said we could still do timed intercourse, but no he does not recommend any meds till we have results. Well, yeah I totally understand & agree however I am so frustrated!!!!! I finally feel like I got it & have so much falling into place & WHAM something totally blindsides me. WTF!!! Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAMN, I was sitting here with angry tears & I blinked out my contact... just spent the last 5+min looking for it! If it weren't me I would be laughjng at how ridiculous this all is!!!
I just wish I could scream & cry & then most of all, more than anything, CHANGE THIS! I want to stop all the struggle & find something that turns this around! I am tiered of fighting! I mean really, what is this? I must have some bad Karma or something, why can't I seem to find the easy road? Hell, I would even take one that doesn't crumble under my feet!
I am sorry to just explode. I hate beeing so... crappy!!! I hate that I can hear all the thing that should make me feel better, BUT, RIGHT NOW... IT JUST PLAIN SUX!
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Sorry to hear this :( I wish all of our heartbreaking pains would just go away!!!
Hang in there ok
XOXO im here if you need to talk....
sarah2111
Im sorry it does suck! I dont understand why sometimes it feels like roadblocks are being put up all around us when we can see our final goal right there. Praying that you get this biopsy fast and that it doesnt set you back too much. Sometimes all you can do is cry/scream/yell. xoxo
AmberR
You are allowed to be pissed off and angry...it is probably really healthy. IT SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! This will all work out, though...I have complete faith. I hope that things get scheduled quickly. The waiting is the worst. I am thinking of you tons. Let yourself be however you are feeling.
laraM
(((((AW))))) I am sorry, Julie :(. This does really suck and you have been such an incredible soldier through it all. You really do deserve a break. It's easy for me to say don't worry, but this is a big deal. I know you must terrified and frustrated and sad all at the same time. I wish I could fix it for you. I love you, Julie. I am going to pray for some peace in your heart while you await your miracle. It will happen though. And I will pray for good news with the biopsy. Be angry though. You have every reason to be upset. I wish I had the right words. I am here if you need me. Hang in there. Everything will turn around for you soon. This is just a speed bump, God's way of saying you need to wait just awhile longer. xoxo (((HUGS)))
jptobe
You have every reason to be sad and angry! You've done more than anyone could fathom to reach your dream, all the while fighting to stay positive and hopeful. It's like a slap in the face, again. Cry, scream, yell (find your contact), and let it out. You are ready for this family you have dreamed of for so long. I do have faith it will come to you I just wish the timing were more in line with your hopes. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that you get the test results back asap and they are fine. As always hoping that you get your BFP and healthy pregnancy-- SOON!
suzannelin
Julie, I really do know and feel your pain, and I am so sorry life feels shitty right now. All I can say is do your best to cope, and if that means screaming and crying at the unfarity of it all, go right ahead, better to release those emotions then hold them in. All I can say is that I seemed to be hit with one piece of bad news after the next and I did't think I would ever cut a break, but I didn't give up. 7 years is a long time! With each setback I felt like calling it quits, but I didn't. Eveywhere I turned it was always some other lucky womans turn, but never mine. Now I am that lucky woman and all the pain and suffering will be worth it if this ends in a healthy baby. Hang in there and trust that your time too will come. Hope the mass turns out to be nothing serious. My best wishes Lisa.
Hootchymumma
I am so sorry you are going through all this. It's not fair. You have all the right to be upset. I am keeping you in my prayers. Take lot's of care.
ErikaCas
I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you. I applaud you for speaking your mind about it though. I feel like that is what this sight is all about...Being able to react anyway you want to the situation and people understanding why. The things you wrote in this journal entry are so real and represent all of us on some level. I will keep you in my prayers.
Faith1975
I am so sorry Julie. I was in the same place last night and just had to allow myself to cry. You have every right to feel the way you do. Allow, feel it, grieve it and let it out. As you do you should start to feel a relief. The events may not change but how you feel about them will change some. It sucks when it is always one thing after another after another and on and on. I completely understand that feeling and frustration. I am praying for you and for everything to be okay. If you want to talk, I am always available to you. {{{{{HUG}}}}}
Lioness816
Don't ever be sorry for exploding on here! That's what we are here for! We are supposed to be here for each other in the good times and bad. To lift each other up and celebrate when it's good and to help you cope when it's bad. You should be able to vent on here without feeling guilty! Now....scream, cry, be sad, be angry...you have every right to. When you are done with that and used almost all of your energy...close your eyes and take a deep breath. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! You have the support of your DS ladies and MOST important you have GOD! Nothing is too big for God. Please know that I am here for you anytime and I will be praying for you!
(((((HUGE GIGANTIC HUG)))))))
AmberKay3
I am sorry Julie. It all does suck suck SUCK! There is no other word but its unfair. THese walls that get put up each time we are getting close. It so hard and WRONG! But they are awful walls that we can climb over or stinkin roadblocks we WILL go around. Fences we WILL go under. Change happens it does. This will all change. REMEMBER ONE THING out of my response to you. YOU WILL BE A MOMMY! And I know we will look back on this and be AMAZED just how strong we were. Julie Years from now your baby will be snooping and come across your journal and will feel so so loved. Why because he/she was wanted sooooo much and loved soooo much even before he/she was conceived! And that is an AMAZING gift to give someone. SO I cried writing that to you b/c I just believe it so much. THIS WILL CHANGE AND YOU WILL BE A MOMMY !
FNP
I am thinking of you and am here for you. Hang in there. Feel what you need to feel. You have a right to those feelings.
ace2