Jcurly's Journal

How do you stay in the NOW?  I am so very excited about this moment, but am also very anxious for the next!  I have done almost all I can to make this happen... Drs, vitamins, new meds, healthy eating, lowering stress, now comes the time of action!!!  So this is it! This is where it all could happen or nothing could happen…

Last night I had my trigger shot & so the only thing left is to... MAKE A BABY!!!  That is the NOW!  And a very exciting NOW at that!

I am excited & yet, well nervous.  I will spend this quality time with DH, tonight & tomorrow, then the rest is in God's hands.  Good ol’ fashion lovemaking, it has worked for us every time we have been pg, all but the one IVF, so this feels right.  This I do believe is how our baby wants to join us.

This is the time to truly embrace FAITH & let God have all the control, which has not always been easy for me.  This has been a long process & I am not sure how to run with out abandon & enjoy this completely.  HOWEVER, I am trying to just allow each part to ‘be’ what ever it is. To be in the NOW I need to I know I have been given blessings in the past, and I can expect them again.  Yet, I also know that this NOW is also aware of the agony of my dreams slipping through my fingers, and my babies being ripped away from my heart.  I am really struggling with being in THIS moment.  Not the past & not the future.  The NOW  is all I have & big enough to overwhelm me, in good ways & bad, but to just ‘be,’ or even better to just ‘be’ in this moment of ‘this’ NOW, well that is the ultimate… & I will not give up trying to get to it!

There is part of me that is so very anxious, I am already anticipating the 2ww, and technically it isn't time for that yet.  I am working on being ready for NOW, the moment my miracle could be just waiting to come & stay.  But there is this lingering feeling that... I just, hmm, I am not even sure…  I guess I am truly rambling & trying to see if this will help settle those nagging thoughts. 

I had been seeing myself in a forest trying to claim this soul that I know is my baby & waits for me.  I could see myself enter & I knew that I needed support before I went & also in that forest because that is where I have had my babies ripped from my heart… the despair would swallow me & the forest would become this dark prison I was becoming all too familiar with.  Anna, THANK YOU for helping me see that visual was of my fear.  

That was then my NOW… 

I consciously started to see my miracle baby waiting for me in a bright & beautiful garden.  Where there is already the reassuring warmth of the sunlight & beauty of fragrant flowers… there is genuine love in this place!  Love enough to push the fear away & provide me the opportunity to gather courage.  This is a garden of HOPE & LOVE!  This is not a place I fear!  There is no room for fear or doubt, they are poison & I will not let them into this place!!!  I am excited to ‘be’ here!  I want to claim my baby with love in my heart & nothing of the past fears/ doubts.  There is peace here, even if I know that storms may come at this moment, in this NOW, I am ready to fully embrace the beautiful future I have dreamed of… this is a NOW I want to embrace!!!