xxJillxx's Journal

I have so much to say but I don't know how. I am so sick of feeling down. it reallly fucking sucks. Maybe I will start to go to therapy again.. I am hoping somehow things will get better but I don't know I don't see that in the near future. Except Delilah, my soon to be neice. I am so happy, she is going to be the best little baby ever. I love her so much already and I know she's going to save me. I will be able to look at her smile and know that I will be okay as long as she is in my life. My grampa is very sick. I wish somehow I could suck the cancer out of his body. Ya know when your a little kid and you look up to your grampa and think he is the best one you could ever ask for. And he tells you storys that you believed ever word of, about him going on journeys in the jungle fighting giant bugs and whatnot. haha. And you never think he's gonna die one, you think no, my grampa he's gonna live forever. But he's not gonna, he going to die and there isn't a damn fucking thing I can do about it. My mother's heart is broken, and my father's is to I can tell. My whole family is broken becasue of this. I am not ready for the day when my mom comes to me with tears streaming down her face, and she is going to hold me and tell me my grampa is gone. I don't know what to do..And then there is a whole other peice of my life that is fucked up. I am fat and gross and ugly and I have tried to lose weight so many times but it is really hard to do when you have no will power. I am sick of hating myself and my body and everything I do. How I talk, look, act, EVERYTHING. I'd love to have a boyfriend but there is no one that wants me, well no one that lives in the same state as me. I met someone online but obviously that won't work out because nothing ever works out for me. Sometimes  feel like I can talk to my best friend, Sarah..but then at times she has experienced so much that I haven't and she is moving on in her life.. she lost her virginity, she has had a boyfriend, she had a guy that seems to care about her. I have none of that. I want to lose my virginity but at the same time.. it is supposed to be special and with someone you love right? I don't have anyone like that... I am just sick of all my friends talking about sexual experiences and I have basically none. I feel left out, I am so alone and lost. I worry about the stupidest things and I never stop thinking. The only time I stop thinking about stuff is when I'm drunk or high.. which I tend to do too often. I like to get high not only because I forget but I feel happy, I can laugh... And being drunk I just feel free because I don't care about anything.. I kill myself with substances and I know I will never do acid or pills or anything but I don't want to rely on anything to make me feel good or happy. I want to be able to laugh and feel free sober. Music helps me through it all, it has been there for me forever. I also wanna say to the whole dailystrength team.. I love my little sister Maggie Louise, she's not so little anymore, she'll be 14 this month. But she is my best friend and I love her with all my heart, she'e one of the best people in the world. I want her to be happy, that's all I ask.. I also don't know what I believe in, religion wise... I don't know if there is a god or not but I know that currently I need something to believe in. I need someone or some being to pray to and ask for help.. but I cannot bring myself to pray everynight... I want to ask god for forgivness for what I have done and I want to tell him to fix my grampa and everything that is messed up.. I feel like I have abandoned god and all religious beliefs and I don't know where to start... Okay I'm done venting for now. Peace and love everyone.