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LyndaJT 
Another backlash
I'm a bit wobbly at the moment. I am having an emotional backlash I think around delaying our adoption plans.
I chaired the second infertility support group meeting last night - the topic was managing stress. It was good although there were just four of us this time. I shared about delaying our adoption plans and how I thought there was some grief around that. Sure enough, I've been feeling quite vulnerable around the whole SIF/adoption deal today. I've had a cry.
It's come to light that I also need some space from the adoption plans to grieve the end of my reproductive years. It was easy to get caught up in the adoption plans and to act as if I was over losing a big aspect of my feminity - the truth is, I am still grieving. Also, although the infertility support group is great, I am feeling like an outsider (like I thought I might) as the only one with SIF. It is also hard hearing about others also who are TTC while the door is closed for me. It's good to have a support group; but for me my SIF seems even more lonely as I cannot go there (out of respect for the others) around the dynamics of having a biological child and not being able to conceive again.
Although I do trust in the God of my understanding and His plans for us - I am feeling some anger around the fact that if it works out - if we get picked as an adoptive family - that it would have taken so bloody long to get there! I am still jealous of people who's lives pan out the "normal" way - get married, buy a house, have two kids...
If I had been able to conceive, then we would have just gotten pregnant and carried on with life as it stands today. We would have worked out how we'd achieve house ownership somehow. With the adoption process, I feel pressured to have come up with a "plan". I know I'm exhausted right now - adjusting to my second job and juggling a lot of stuff right now - but I don't like how busy I am/money focused we seem to be right now in the short space of two weeks.
It's good to have goals, I know that. Obviously we need to have them to achieve our dream of house ownership. Yet I feel ripped off in a way - that things are so tight schedule-wise - I just don't want to miss out on too much of my daughter's precious preschool days. At the moment I feel as if I am ferrying her and myself from one thing to the next - I miss just hanging out together.
My neighbour asked me if I'd look after her newborn today. It was only for twenty minutes but my daughter and I had fun making up silly songs and dances for the baby. I feel guilt and sadness that my daughter doesn't have the companionship in her life that having a sibling would bring - she is besotted with the neighbour's newborn.
I got triggered by a Mum at Kindy today who said she worked three days a week to escape her children - she really meant it! I know where she was coming from - all Mums need/should have some space - yet if I am lucky enough to be blessed with another child I won't be rushing back into the workforce in a hurry!
I am feeling some loss this week. Loss around striving to add to our family. Even though our financial goals are a big part of that decision, I am missing being active around adding to our family. I also have some grief coming up around my daughter starting school at the end of March. I had an appointment with special education and her new entrant teacher yesterday. It went well. But I know I will have a bit of the empty-nest thing going on once my daughter settles into school.
To top it all off, my back continues to give me grief and I am currently taped up for a few days. I feel quite irritable with the pain and discomfort and am over it!
I probably just need an early night. I have been go-go-go for a good couple of weeks and the wheels are starting to come off. I've had a positive few weeks of feeling okay, even great with my path. But today I am grieving.
from my blog: Praying for another shot at motherhood
Comments
Lynda, I so wish I could give you a hug in person.
I can relate to so many of your feelings. I can understand your feelings around delaying your adoption plans. You have spent so long investing time into adding to your family you are bound to feel these emotions. I think that with SIF we are so used to feeling guilt, anger and sadness that even when we make a decision that we feel is right for us, when it goes against our original plan, we feel we have to justify the decision and then we beat ourselves up about not sticking to our original plan. We are so used to not being able to control things that when we do have control and make decisions we start questioning ourselves and go back to the feelings of guilt, anger and sadness that we have become so used to.
It was school holidays over in England last week and that hit me hard. My son asked me three times during the week if he could have a brother or sister and it breaks my heart that I can’t give him one. The guilt around that is enormous for me and not many people understand how that feels, I feel like it is a burden that I am carrying around with me each day.
I honestly believe that my SIF has changed and that I am never going to be the same person I was 5 years ago, I see things differently now. I am not sure that I will ever get over it, I think that I will just have to learn how to live with it. Just like the death of a loved one, you will never forget them you will just learn to live without them. I feel that this pain will be with me forever. I still feel so angry, so sad and empty some days.
I’m thinking about you xx
MelissaDobson
Oh Lynda,
Wouldn't it be so nice if we could heal all together from this SIF. I hate it, I really do. I can relate to everything you said. I was having one of those days with SIF too. I hate that I have to spend another $25,000 on fertility tx when we have already spent close to $30,000 to have my son. I feel jealous of people like my sister who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Sometimes I try to think about what good has come from infertility if any has. The one thing that I always think about is that it makes me enjoy and appreciate my son so much more then I would have, had I not gone through infertility. I do not take one second for granted. I Know other moms on here are the same way. So many of my friends who have had their children easily, complain all through their pregnancies and continue to complain after their children are born. Interesting that the woman you talked to said that she needed to escape her children. I know we all need breaks, but I just think some mom's take their children for granted sometimes (not you or anyone here on DS obviously :)).
Anyways, I am sorry that you are feeling alone. It is tough. I feel in the same situation as you. I am no longer trying to get pregnant with my biological child. I feel scared sometimes of how I will feel if I get pregnant with ED, I will not be as excited as I was with my son. The pregnancy will be different. I want my next child to feel as loved and as special as my son. I am scared that I am going to have emotional issues and somehow affect my second child's life. So much to think about.
Are you having second thoughts about delaying the adoption? I wish I was there in person for you!!!
Hugs,
Julia
julb
If I could give you a hug right now, I would. I know the pain you're feeling around the SIF. I gave up any hope of having another child until recently. So while I may not be in that grieving process at the moment, I was for years. Well, for about the last five years. It wasn't until the last month that I even opened the doors for the idea of having another child, and then attempting after seeing a doctor, to even have a glimmer of hope. I'm hoping and praying I'm not let down in this journey, but, if I am, it must be God's will I suppose. Doesn't mean I won't restart the grieving process. So I'm right there with you. I can totally relate. I hate having SIF! It's miserable and painful and there aren't many people around who really do get it outside of the online family we've found. For that, I am glad, of course! As far as your daughter starting school, I can relate to that empty nest feeling. Believe it or not, once summer hits I wish school was still in session, then once I get adjusted to the summer routine, I don't mind it and while I'm eager for him to restart school in September so I can get back to my old routine that I get so used to, I go through a couple of weeks every single year when he restarts where I have to readjust. Most people are glad for their kids to go to school, and most of the time I am cuz it gives me time. But with this SIF, a part of me loves having him home cuz this may be my only chance to be a mom and I want to soak up what I can in that part of my life! I guess my best advice is to allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need to. Eventually I'll journal about some grief surrounding my relationship with my mom...and I'm starting to realize that I just have to let myself feel every ounce of that grief, no matter how painful or difficult it can get. Try to be gentle with yourself in this time. Know that I am here for you and thinking of you and will help you as much as I can to get through this! Take care!
MinnesotanMommy
Thanks Melissa, Julia and MinnesotanMommy - I appreciate your comments - very much so. Julia, I'm not regretting delaying the adoption plans as I think it has to be this way. It guess I just didn't see it coming so I'm surprised that I made that call! Also, I've been feeling so good for a decent period of time I did feel as though I was over SIF. I think I've come a long way but there is still some grief there which will crop up from time to time like it is right now. x
LyndaJT