RSHagen's Journal

I am flabbergasted at how long it has been since I wrote in this part of my journal.

Last summer  2008, I thought I was doing fairly well, then Mom died at Christmas time, and it was 6 months before her estate papers were completed and she was resting in the ground.   My brother was out of the country, so we planned her burial.. of her ashes along with her moms /my grandmother's ashes.  it was her goal to deal with those but her time ran out... now It has nearly been a year since her passing,  I am finally rising out of the ashes of my dispair.   I am so thankful for the counsellors who gave such care to my shattered emotions... and for my sister and youngest daughter... they were such pillars for me... Now I want to be strong again in my own strength, so that I can be a possitive influence in thier lives.   I am grateful that my daughter still wants my help with her homework... she is in college, finishing her schooling, her own health a challenge that it held back her schooling.  All things have their right time and order, If we remain patient, we will have some peace... dont sweat the things that are out of our control...  take a deep breath, keep focused and choose your battles.. some are simply meant to be lost. 

  In my struggles this year, I have neglected some special people in my life.   I hope to soon correct that. reestablish our bond and become the help that I once was.   All my friends looked to me for advice... I was so lost this year I avoided everyone because all I could do was cry, and sigh. needless to say I had nothing possitive to share,. surely nothing that would benefit them no matter how small their need.        I have let my house fall apart. my gardens are in a shambles... my landlord is probably thoroughly disgusted with me because of them.   If I could get some strength, and warmth into my body, I will do my best to clean that up as quickly as possible, so when the snow melts in the spring, the yard will be fresh and alive with pretty colors, not dead branches of what used to be beautiful shrubs and flowers.   I think I will start by sending her a lovely card, to help her better understand that this is something I needed to fight thru myself... and thank her for her patience and understanding with me.  

      I want to sit down and make some realistic goals.. and feel elated as I slowly check them all off.   

I am looking up... that is where my help comes from... and I am determined to go thru whatever I must to see myself well enough to feel whole again, someone who can be a contributor to my family, church and society.   I want my family to be proud that I was strong enough to get thru, and inspired to fight on when it is thier turn to battle the ominous foes who attack unexpectedly, leaving them shaken, depressed and defeated.

    I aim to fight on, I dont have a problem with eating my words... but If I write them down, I will have something to encourage myself that I believe in myself enough to succeed.