Journal

I have started on a restriction diet.. to avoid refined sugars, excess fats, and all yeast products... including fermented sauces.   when I am stable enough to carry on with this...

I started on Sept 24, 09 and weighted 184 lbs.   now a little over a month later, I am down to 178.8..  the numbers have gone up and down... but stayed under the original...  my highest weight when I started this Goal was 186 + lbs. 

I feel better already, one thing I am very thankful for... Is I dont have so much bloating... there are times however, that I feel that way due to bowel problems.. but that is an on and off situation due to the meds I take.

 It is my hope to eventually avoid wheat products as well. and if I can get that far down the path also red meat as the major protein in my diet.   We do eat a lot of chicken, and some pork, but not enough fish.   I have been drinking natural soy milk to help increase my proteins, and have notices a huge decrease in muccous problems in my throat and sinuses... I can breath and sing better now, after only a month.

If ...  always that powerful 2 lettered word... If I can manage to maintain this program and increase my exercises... my goal is to loose 4-5 lbs / month. and eventually end up near 150 lbs or lower.   my ideal goal for my age would be @ 140 lbs.  thin enough to feel light and energetic again, but heavy enough that I wont succumb to increased bone loss.... years ago I went onto a strict but managable healthy diet... I lost 30 lbs in 6 months.   all I did was get rid of the junk food. and stay active... I know that there is a big difference in my metabolism from a 23 yr old to a 49 yr old... but even if it took a year.. 30 pounds would make me a whole new person.

My ultimate goal... is to encourage my husband to want to change his eating habits for the right reasons... and reap the benfits of outliving his mother who died at 56, and a brother who will not live many more years without some miraculous intervention.   I want to grow old With my husband, not without.

So... Slow is good,   as long as it is forward motion... I will be smiling. 

I am flabbergasted at how long it has been since I wrote in this part of my journal.

Last summer  2008, I thought I was doing fairly well, then Mom died at Christmas time, and it was 6 months before her estate papers were completed and she was resting in the ground.   My brother was out of the country, so we planned her burial.. of her ashes along with her moms /my grandmother's ashes.  it was her goal to deal with those but her time ran out... now It has nearly been a year since her passing,  I am finally rising out of the ashes of my dispair.   I am so thankful for the counsellors who gave such care to my shattered emotions... and for my sister and youngest daughter... they were such pillars for me... Now I want to be strong again in my own strength, so that I can be a possitive influence in thier lives.   I am grateful that my daughter still wants my help with her homework... she is in college, finishing her schooling, her own health a challenge that it held back her schooling.  All things have their right time and order, If we remain patient, we will have some peace... dont sweat the things that are out of our control...  take a deep breath, keep focused and choose your battles.. some are simply meant to be lost. 

  In my struggles this year, I have neglected some special people in my life.   I hope to soon correct that. reestablish our bond and become the help that I once was.   All my friends looked to me for advice... I was so lost this year I avoided everyone because all I could do was cry, and sigh. needless to say I had nothing possitive to share,. surely nothing that would benefit them no matter how small their need.        I have let my house fall apart. my gardens are in a shambles... my landlord is probably thoroughly disgusted with me because of them.   If I could get some strength, and warmth into my body, I will do my best to clean that up as quickly as possible, so when the snow melts in the spring, the yard will be fresh and alive with pretty colors, not dead branches of what used to be beautiful shrubs and flowers.   I think I will start by sending her a lovely card, to help her better understand that this is something I needed to fight thru myself... and thank her for her patience and understanding with me.  

      I want to sit down and make some realistic goals.. and feel elated as I slowly check them all off.   

I am looking up... that is where my help comes from... and I am determined to go thru whatever I must to see myself well enough to feel whole again, someone who can be a contributor to my family, church and society.   I want my family to be proud that I was strong enough to get thru, and inspired to fight on when it is thier turn to battle the ominous foes who attack unexpectedly, leaving them shaken, depressed and defeated.

    I aim to fight on, I dont have a problem with eating my words... but If I write them down, I will have something to encourage myself that I believe in myself enough to succeed.