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Dracona 
3:08am, May 21, 2009
wow. i just wrote a whole entry and it deleted. frustrating.
basically im trying to figure out why im not happy.
i should be happy, this is the most stable my life has been in 2-3 years. asshole is gone till december, i dont have to deal with him. child support is decided upon, court is done for now. i have a small place, rent is cheap, hell of a deal. my dog is happy with a big yard and other dogs to play with. my baby is doing good.
but instead i cant stop thinking of how i want things to be, how idont see any financial improvement. and i just think negative things about austin, even with how good he is to me, i love him, but honestly, and he knows this, im not very physi cally attracted to him cause of hte wieght. so intimate things are hard. i dont know why all this bad shit keeps in my head. ill be driving down the road, and if i let my mind wander, it ends up in a car crash where baby dies, or i see her dying from sids, or any number of atrocities. i think its still post pardum playing a hand,
but most people say that its over by now and its all in my head. austin doesnt believe in depression, he thinks that you can just change your way of thinking. like its simple like that.
i just feel awful. and i want to loose weight. i feel huge. and i feel unhealthy.
im not horribly big, but a size 13-14 is enough for me, with rolls and im to heavy to ride my horse if i ever get to again. i weighed less when i was 6 months pregnant.
the myth that breastfeeding makes you lose weight is just that, a myth.
i havent lost shit.
i dont know what to do to help curb this way of thinking. im starting to consider taking happy pills again or something. but then i feel stupid cause what is anti depressants but using a drug for a way out? wouldnt it be the same as smoking pot except smoking marijuana would be cheaper? is this just something i will have to deal with my whole life? I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
thats all i want. but i cant keep like this forever. especially for my daughter. she doesnt deserve a depressed mom.
i want to feel like myself again. i lost that person again that i had found when i was pregnant and alone. i dont like me right now. not at all.
Comments
Hi Dracona. Hugs to you. I'm not a good one to offer advice on how to get out of a funk, because I've been in one for awhile now. I'm on Savella now which seems to be bringing out more of the real Deb - the other antidepressants weren't doing that. I know too that I should be happy with what I've got and I want to be happy. One thing I haven't tried that might work is "talk therapy".
All I can say is I wish you the best. You deserve to be happy and I hope you can find the key.
Hugs,
Deb
Bluesydeb
Drac, post partum depression CAN still be an issue, and you also may have thryoid issues from the pregnancy. There is NOTHING wrond with correcting a chemical imbalance, and that is what antidepressants do. But the first step is to talk to your Dr. Because that way, you can treat the true problem, not just take a stab at it. If your problem IS caused by thyroid issues, antidepressants won't help, and the weight may well indicate that you ARE thyroid deficient. But see your Dr, and talk about ALL your symptoms.
LynneC
hmmmmmmm........let's think about this for a minute......... You need to lose some weight in order to feel better about yourself........Austin, apparently, needs to lose some weight also........
Now, there are several reasons to lose weight.......feeling better about ourselves, feeling happier, better sex, lower grocery bills, setting an example for our kids, ........ oh yeah, strokes and heart attacks can wreck your whole day......
Losing weight is difficult, in fact it's damm hard....... but, as we've learned, nothing really worth doing or having seems to come easily.
Something else we've learned here in these rooms......We can do together things that we were unable to do alone.
Being in a healthy relationship includes more than just sharing the good times and the benefits........ it also includes sharing the burdens, the toil, the efforts it takes to move forward in life.
A weight loss program can be much like a stop gambling program....... it takes determination, organization, dedication.............. and it's a lot more likely to be successful if the whole family is involved in the effort........ we can do together what we cannot do alone.
..........think about it.
Hugs.
eastwester
Hi Dracona, It sounds like you are going through some very difficult issues. They are not issues that can't be overcome though. You can be strong. You can believe in yourself. I will put it out there like this...........If YOU don't take care of YOU, then guess what! There will be noone to do it. Your entry also sounds like you have several different emotional things going on. You can fix this, and you can win the battle. What works for one person may not work well for another, and that is why we should be very thankful that we have choices. You do have choices and you do have options. Start today by keeping a little journal. Just jot down one or two things that you are thankful for, and add more each day. Begin each day with a smile (no matter what) and a journal entry. Fall down on those knees or look up to the heavens with outstretched arms and ask your Higher Power to intervene. Have Faith and Believe in YOURSELF and what you ask for and it will come true. Unfortunately, we will not get anywhere in life feeling so bad and sometimes feeling sorry for ourselves. We have to be the victors and advocates for US! So, take a shower, put on some clean clothes, a little make-up, a beautiful smile on that beautiful face and go out there and BE HAPPY! YOU CAN DO IT! We are all here to help make sure that you can and will do it! :-) mamabear21xoxoxoxo
mamabear21