Dracona's Journal

OK, lately i feel like i am constantly complaining from some ache or pain or another.

something always hurts, whether its my back or a headache, or some wierd thing that my joints do where everything feels stiff, sometimes i feel if i move the wrong way something will snap out of place. my hips ache if i lay on my sides directly for longer than 10 minutes, and it can be difficult to get up. i lose strenth in my hands, though the numbness has gotten better. but things just ache. its always something. is this normal? does this happen to anyone else and im just a big weenie? i dont think it all has to do with my body going back to normal from  the pregnancy. 

ive ALWAYS hurt, my joints anyway. i get stiff.

the biggest thing bothering me right now is my left side of my lower to mid back.

it feels like my kidneys. and if pressed on hurts real deep and can drop me to my knees pretty easily. austin was rubbing my back the other day and OUCH! and its getting progressivly worse, not immensly, but a little each day. i keep waiting for it to go away. austin thinks i should go to the hospital. but i no longer have medical, and the hospital wont run the tests or do whatever, its emergency only, so im waitin till i drop or get medical, or it goes away, i can heal i thinks. 

maybe its just one of my wierd hurts that comes and goes.maybe not, but nothing i can do about it now, cause if i see the only doctor in town that will see me, then they give a referral, and i am turned down cause i cant pay, state welfare will only give me 16 bucks a month for food stamps and wont give me medical, which is what i want, i even wanted to pay for it. 

but i hardly work now, they turned me down because i do not have my own place to live? what kind of crap is that. cause i live with my step parents they went on their income pretty much, or the amount of people in the house.

and they think i make too much working my 1 day a week, if that.

geesh. what a bunch of crap.  i just want medical really, so i can get stuff checked out.

so if i get hurt i can get better for my daughter. i dont want them to give me cash. food stamps help, but i dont care. i'll pay for my food.  but why the helll do things hurt like this? its friggin ridiculous. and my mood swings? its  all related somehow.

people would say its all in my head  i dont think so. ive tried to make it go away.

but even when i was stable and in a good place in life, i still hurt. still had ouch.

i tried ignoring it, and not saying anything.that didnt work ither. 

so i really dont think im making it all up.