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Dracona 
3:08am, May 21, 2009
finally got a new computer!!! oh so nice to be able to get on the internet and not have it go out or crash in the middle of writing or doing whatever. whew. so baby is doing great.
if anyone wants to see videos of her check out my youtube....
just search for TeshiaKL and it will come up with all the videos.
she dances to the abc's, mouths words like she is singing. its so cute. she hates mixed veggies.
she is throwing fits and giving me hell, LOL. she is practically crawling. goes by so fast. i was still breastfeeding a bit, she pushed me away the other day and said with a very concentrated look...bah... bah..... and smiled when i handed her the bottle. lol.
the real father still hasnt stepped up, not that i ever expected him too. im kinda glad he hasnt.
he has been back for a week and a half from his sea leave and still hasnt called to see how she is. still living in his own fantasy reality. i hope he stays away.
he only brings heartache and dissappointment for her. and problems for me.
just give me a paycheck.... and stay away.
Me and austin are still together... baby calls him da da. lol.
work is goin ok. bills are paid anyway. well i hope everyone is doing well. ill work on getting caught up with everyone.
Comments
such a very short time ago, i knew who i was, what i wanted, and where i was going.
now i dont know. and i dont know how i lost that drive i had. now i just try to make it day by day. not sure if im really happy or not. everyday i question my ability to take care of my lovely daughter. and i feel horrible. I feel alone. and i want to cuddle up next to austin but i cant caus well really i dont know. cause he snores. and smells funny to me for some reason.
and i dont like being touched anymore. i cant sleep, my back and joints hurt too much. i dont know what to do. i cant see a doctor, no medical. so i guess im just screwed. and ill just close my eyes and hope it all goes away or fixes itself.
but on a good/funny note for baby accomplishments.
Ariyah can pick stuff up with her toes... yup you heard it, her TOES. instead of learning to crawl, she scoots her but around to things she can reach with her feet, and grabs them then brings it up to her hands and UAAALLAAA! toys. i was watching her in her crib playing with her pillow.
hands to feet, then feet to hands.... its funny.
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Sorry to hear you have the blues...and hopefully,, this will pass soon...can you get some counseling? Wishing you happier days ahead...
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I think that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal during the first year of your babies life. Your baby is beautiful and I am sure that you are doing a great job AND that you are perfectly capable of her care. However, like so many things, I think motherhood is glamorized and that we have unrealistic expectations. Yes, it is extremely rewarding, but it is also difficult, and a HUGE adjustment to anyone, even under the very best of circumstances. Everywhere you turn in commercials and magazines, you see the pictues of the smiling gerber babies with their beautiful well kept mother looking on lovingly. And while this aspect of motherhood certainly exists, where are the pictures of the endless crying, the running diapers, the sleep depreviation? All of those things exist as well. It does make motherhood any less worthwhile, just complicated and life altering.
I think the main thing I hear in this post is: I do not feel supported. I do not have enough support. I think you have felt like that from the beginning. When baby daddy pulled a D&D (devalue and discard) and walked away from you and his responsibilities. That is a pretty major punch to take anytime, but especially when you are at your most vulnerable (pregnant). I know that Austin has stepped up to the plate in a way few men would have, but something about the relationship is not quite right either. Regardless, I think you are doing great under some very difficult circumstances. Please do not be so hard on yourself, life is hard enough without us beating ourselves up.
ok, my daughter generally sleeps through the night, but lately she has a "MOMMY" complex, which is fine with me, i love cuddling her little self and watching her little hand reach for mine to hold my thumb. but she kicks me and austin out of the bed. lately her and my dog take up the bed, lol.
so i put her in her crib and she wakes up. people say let her cry. i can let her fuss, but not cry. it really just breaks my heart to do so. so im doing it the hard way, fall asleep next to me, put in crib.... she wakes up, i try singing or a bottle, still wants mommy, so i rock her, then back in crib... she wakes up, ok so on the bed.... then back in crib... then bed, then crib...
eventually i think she will get it. but today was so cute! going through the routine... and i was holding her and i told her i loved her... and i swear she said i love you back to me, not in the words, but she mimicked the tones of my voice directly.... iiiii ooooouuuuuuuu.... smiled... hugged me, then closed her little eyes and went to sleep. and stayed asleep. im pretty sure she understood what i said, and was her attempt to say it back..
she been mimicking me lately,earlier i was singing... mommy's tired... mommy's tired... and she says aaaiiieeeeeee aaa aaaaaaa
and we have the i scream you scream contest.... lol.
i love being mommy.
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((( Dracona ))))
Sounds like you are taking to Motherhood like a duck to water.
Am happy for you :)
God Bless
Ken L YBIR
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AWWWWWWWW
So precious! Love this journal :-)
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So sweet ...
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The love of a mother just shines through this journal. Never doubt that God had a plan when he brought this little angel into your life. Be proud of your accomplishment.. it is like no other.
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Well back to the virtual world!!! Sounds like you have plenty to keep you busy in the 'real world'! I am glad to hear that baby is doing so well.
SusyP
Sounds like you are in a good place. Have missed you on line. Glad you were able to get a new pc. I'll check out those videos too. Take care.
Bluesydeb