sammers's Journal

It's now 06:00. I've been awake since about 03:00 following a shit of a nightmare. I didnt get to bed until gone 1:00, and had sat outside with a cup of coffee just watching the stars for a while.To be honest, the only good thing about it is that I dont believe it to be a relapse of the PTSD. Sure it was related to my friend's plane crash, but I have no terror of it now I'm awake. I think that all the shit with mum tihs week has put my brain into overload. I dont feel mentally tired. My body is saying that I need to eat, but that's just a residual hangover. I'll feed it soon !

For sure, I'm drinking like a fish. On Monday, I was drunk by 16:00 in the afternoon. Yesterday ( Friday ) it was the same again. I can forgive myself that though. I need to get through the next few weeks to get my head round things. If letting off steam helps, then I'll do it. I know I'm not dependent on it, because I know I wont drink over the weekend, nor did I drink in the intervening days between Monday and Friday.

I really scared myself with my anger problems again this week. The news of mum really had me letting go. I had to take myself into the garage, and there proceeded to beat the shit out of the wall with my fists well past the point where they were bleeding. My hands are still swollen and sore. The noises I was making can only be described as gutteral, angry shreik-groans. They left my throat sore, and must have freaked out anyone hearing.

I'm away from home and work for three days next week. I think it will really help. I'm hoping that I can totally forget all the shit for a day or two.

I started my Counselling course on Thursday, and it was excellent. I'm in a group of 12, 2 guys and 10 women. Everyone seems really nice, and the best thing of all was that for 3 hours, I didnt even think about work, mum or other people. It was beautiful to just be able to concentrate on something so fully. I've actually been doing my homework as I sat up just now. It's my personal learning / reflective journal. At the end of the term, I have to write a summary of it in 1500 words ( tricky, since a few minutes typing saw me knock out 500 words on the first week alone ! ).

Anyway, I will need to be awake and alert for the kids today. I dont want to let my tiredness make me grumpy and affect them.

Time for brekkie and episode 8 of True blood !