This week I am finally allowing …
This week I am finally allowing myself to know how exhausted I am. I feel that it is less a physical tiredness, …
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vchen 
9:47am Thursday
It is going to be the 4th of July and I feel so depressed. I have been thinking about the past and how much fun I had before all of my medical problems. Right now I miss being able to do things without planning, ability to go on the el or train, going to festivals, feeling comfortable in crowds without worrying about getting pushed down or off of the wheelchair, able to go to beaches, and the all areas of the park.
When I went to the nature park with my friend last week the trails with grass or mud we could not go on it would be to hard.
I hate having to have limits to what I do.
Also it is so hard not having the proper aides that I need to do things or funding to help me out.
I still do not have access to upstairs so I have been sleeping on the couch for a long time.
Usually this does not bother me.
But today everything bothers me.
Maybe because the pain is not going away and I have not slept.
Or I did not get a response back from my boyfriend.
Or because I hear others going to festivals tonight. Today I have free but no plans and festivals are not really accessible.
I guess what is the point of surviving cancer when my life has no purpose.
I will be 48 in a few weeks. Big deal.
I thought that I would have a house and family. I will never have kids of my own.
Who knows about the other.
I did not think that I would just be scrapping by to live. It is so hard just to live on disability.
What is my life worth anyway.
Most of the time is in doctors offices.
I am just a burden to my family and freinds.
I barely have the strength or energy to do much of anything.
I think I just take up space.
Why bother.
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Oh, Valerie!!! I am so sorry you are feeling so depressed!!! I know what you mean...I sometimes have those same kind of thoughts and feelings....I think there are several things that are making you feel so bad. You mentioned not getting enough sleep...that within itself will cause depression....also during holidays I think it is easy to feel like life is passing us by and that we are hopeless and useless especially when we compare ourselves to others who don't have to endure what we do. I geel for you!!! I would never think of yourself as a burden...I am sure those who love you don't feel that way....I don't!!!! I am just sorry you are going through these difficulties.....well, this November I will be 54 and I say big deal too!!! LOL......you are a wonderful person with a lot to give others......just by being you!!!! I hope you can get a lift to get upstairs to your bedroom soon!!!!! You need a good nights sleep in your bed!!!!.....or have someone drag your bed downstairs for you and just have it downstairs...I would!!!!! Pain is very depressing too....I know how that goes....there are days when I too question what it is all about and if life is worth it now.......believe me it is!!!!! You may not feel like it right now but it is.....you are a great friend to me and I have always thought you were a very courageous woman......you will feel better again...maybe not like your life was before but hey!!! You are a big help to others here on DS....I love you my dear friend....cheer up!!!!!! Hang in there!!!!
BlueButterfly55
I am sorry your feeling so bad.I guess we all feel useless at times from are health problems. but a lack of sleep and pain will make you feel even more depressed I do understand what you are saying, maybe you could make a downstairs bed room now so you can sleep better. take care and hugs ann.
maelynn
Sorry to hear you are feeling so depressed. i didnt relaise you were unable to get upstairs to your bedroom. Do you have a bathroom downstairs to wash in? I would have thought this would be a priority for your doctor to sort out the equipment you need at home before they send you home! I hope everything gets sorted but it does take a long time, it's the same over here.
Dont give up and try and stay strong and keep going as you will feel alot better once things start getting sorted out.
Maybe someone can help bring a bed downstairs for you until you can sort out a stairlift or maybe apply for an adapted flat? Stay Strong Kati xx
Katilea
Never give up! Never surrender! That is my life's motto. When I start to get down, I remember the others that I've seen or watched on television and realize that it could be so much worse. I praise GOD for my life everyday. Sometimes it does suck big time, but what's the point of mulling on the stuff you can no longer do? Enjoy the things you can, whenever you can. Just stay strong. Love ya!
Hananoaoi
I will try.
vchen
you are a creation of the all mighty God and he loves you. He does not feel you are a waste of space he loves you. He wants the best for you. Have you asked for help to get to your room upstairs. Some times you have to hit people over the head because they don't see the needs of people in front of them. Remember you are precious in his site.
Father I pray for Val. I pray that she feels your love for you. I pray she finds her purpose in this world. Ease her pain Lord and allow her to get upstairs Lord or someone to bring her bed down to her and put it where she can sleep in it. Lord help her to ask for help and that her pride not get in the way. Lord please send someone down her path that will help her and love her and comfort her. In Jesus name I pray amen
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