Journal

Still a bit fatigue but not nearly as bad as the past 7 days.  My right hand was swollen like a balloon (cold wet weather) but is normal again and typing is not so painful. 

 

Talk about being sick, lame, and lazy.  Gracious, I was sleeping 14 to 16 hours a day and then some, and appeared as a zombie during the awaking hours.  Can’t say I’m lacking in sleep.  I’m so glad that has mostly passed.

 

For my new friends who don’t know, it is related to my heart.  On July 20, ’06, I had open heart surgery.  My aortic value was replaced with some part of a cow.  Yea, you read that right, a cow!  My implant ID card says: Bovine Pericardial Heart Valve.  Where I used to yawn in the morning, I now moo.  Shocked the hell out of me the first time I mooed.  Then it made me giggle like a champion giggling giggler.   The first time poor Floyd heard me moo, he ran into my room to admonish me for having a cow in his house.  “No, no, Floyd, it’s just me.”  You’re weird,” said he.

 

I also have an irregular beat.  A few months after the transplant, the doctor went up a major artery in my groin up to my heart and burned part of it to stop the electrical system from hopping all over the place.  It worked for the most part and decreased the severity of the irregular heartbeat, but I have periods when it is augmentative and I become extremely fatigue.  At those times, I’m about as useful as boobs on a bull.

 

Thanks for all the supportive comments on my last entry, and all the loving hugs—you’re the best.

 

I’m in good spirits, just sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy!

 

Stay in the moment and let love lead.         

I will probably not be on much for the next few days, if at all.  I’m in one of my extreme fatigue phases that will pass soon.  The weather is wet and cold here, raining, which has set off the arthritis, including my right hand so typing is a bit difficult.  No worries, my friendS, this will all pass soon.

 

 

At one point, when I was in therapy, I was in a very dark place and my therapist gave me a book to read, “Momentum, Letting Love Lead,” by John-Roger.  It had a profound effect on me and I pulled out of the dark place.

 

I copied and pasted the following from my CP documents.  It comes from pages 17 through 27 from the aforementioned book:

 

Most of us are trying to make life work.  But the truth is, life already works.  Life is doing fine.  It was here before we came, and it’ll be here when we’re gone.  The game of Life just keeps rolling on.  The issue isn’t the Game of Life, it’s the game of Love.  What we really want to do is bring more loving onto our lives.

 

Note that I said more loving, not love.  There’s nothing wrong with love.  Love is the essence, the core, the harmony within us, the prime mover of our lives.  But loving is love in action.  Love comes alive when it is shared with others.  The more it is shared, the more dynamic it becomes.

 

Loving is constantly in motion—experiencing—expressing, giving.  The loving nature doesn’t just say, “I am love,” while doing nothing.  Being loving is the greatest gift you can give yourself and others.  There is nothing in your life—or anyone else’s—that loving cannot heal.

 

Loving is an inner momentum towards health, wealth, and happiness.  This kind of loving isn’t emotional love.  It’s not about possessing or controlling anyone or anybody.  What we’re talking about is spiritual loving.  Spiritual loving is neutral.  It’s not indifferent or uncaring; it’s impartial and unconditional.  Nothing is excluded from unconditional loving.

 

You could say this book is a course in loving.  A master’s course.  To become masters of loving, we have to go through an education process.  This is not like going back to high school or college, however.  There are no textbooks or term papers or exams, no foreign languages to learn nothing to memorize.  Everything you need to know about loving is already inside you.  All anyone else can do is guide you in discovering your own loving nature.

 

Most of us have no idea that we can be masters of loving.  We race around looking for someone or something to fulfill us, not realizing that what we are searching for has been available to us all along.  As we move in that direction, every area of life begins to open up.

 

LOVING IS THE KEY

 

Throughout this book, there are simple techniques and practical approaches that can support you in letting love lead.  When I talk about letting love lead, I’m referring to a very profound inner movement that comes from the depth of our being.  Putting love in charge is not how we normally live; usually, we let our reactions and ego lead us.  Though love is all around us, we seldom give it our full attention; there are so many other places where we focus our energy.

 

It’s amazing how easy it is to give up our loving nature.  We’re conditioned to derive our worth from outside ourselves—from what other people think of us, from what we achieve materially, from what we look like.  “I don’t really know who I am,” we may say to ourselves, “but if these people love me, I must be okay.”

 

That’s another example of living life from the outside in.  It’s an empty promise, because if, in the next moment, people stop loving you, or don’t look at you the way you want them to, you will no longer feel okay.  When others withdraw their love, you find yourself withdrawing, too, and contracting.  Contraction is a kind of pulling back—physically, emotionally, or mentally—that closes down to life.  The objective of this book is to move you to a state of expansion, of opening to life and fully embracing it.

 

When you are in contraction, you can begin to move into a state of expansion by coming back to the question, “Where does love lead me right now?”  Love always leads you into living from the inside out.  It allows you to stay within yourself and realize that:

 

Who you are is enough.

 

Regardless of what anybody else thinks, you can love yourself.

 

You can love your mistakes as much as you love your successes.

 

As you hold on to these truths, you will start attracting people to you who will support your inner process.  Try it and see.  Make a commitment that, just for today, you’ll let love lead.  Whenever your mind tries to distract you with negative thoughts, or self-doubt, or comparisons with other people, just tell it: “I know you’re there.  You’re always there.  You’re not going to go away.  But today I’m not going to let you bother me, because I want to experience something else.”

 

LETTING LOVE LEAD

 

Much of the time, we go through life letting our reactions and our ego run the show.  How would our lives be different if we followed love’s lead?  Try this exercise and find out:

 

If you’re tense, or in a rush, or bothered by something, stop and ask yourself: “What would happen if I let love lead?”

 

Then, listen inwardly for guidance.  You may receive it through an inner voice, an image, a thought that pops into you rind, a “gut feeling.”

 

Check out any guidance you receive.  If it could bring harm to you or others, don’t act on it.  But if it points you towards fulfillment and expansion, you can then move in that direction with confidence.

 

This technique can work in any area of your life.  Think of an area you wish to improve.  Sit in a comfortable safe place.  Allow your attention to drift inward.  Ask yourself, “If I let love lead me in this situation, where would I go and what would I do next?”

 

In the midst of a challenging situation, it takes great strength to even ask yourself the simple question, “How can I let love lead me?”

 

If at first the answers don’t come easily, don’t be discouraged.  Just getting to the point where you can ask the question shows that your intention is good and that you’re moving in the right directions.  With practice, before long you’ll come to see this as one of your most powerful tools for listening to your deeper wisdom.

 

The truth is, we have a choice.  Living from the inside out, we become aware of other dimensions within us, and begin to understand that outer circumstances have nothing to do with our ability to love.  When we let love lead, we follow the goodness inside us.  Then, we have no need to declare anything that happens in our lives as “wrong” or “bad.”  There’s a simple phrase—“I love this”—that can help us remember to look at life from this perspective.

 

“I LOVE THIS”

 

Often, the simplest tools work the best.  “I Love This” is one of the most effective practices for coming to a neutral, uplifting place where you can let love lead.  Here’s how it works:

 

Whatever is going on in your life—whatever events are occurring, whatever thoughts or emotions you are experiencing—whether you like what’s happening or not, accept it as what is and say: “I love this.”  (You can add other words, but the essence remains the same: “I love myself for doing this.”  I love myself for thinking this.”  Or, if you find yourself in a difficult bind, “I love this situation.”)

 

If you find yourself responding to someone in an emotionally reactive way, you can say to yourself, “I love myself for the way I responded emotionally.”  If someone upsets you, you can say, “I love the way that person upsets me.”  If you’re stuck in traffic, you can say, “I love being stuck in traffic,” or “I love this difficult situation,” or simply, “I love this.”

 

What’s surprising about this method is that it works even if you don’t feel any love when you say it.  All you need to do is repeat the words consciously—in other words, pay attention and be fully present when you say the phrase.

 

Try this practice for yourself.  Make a statement of love whenever you can, whatever situation you‘re in.  Observe whether anything changes inside you. 

 

Look on this practice as a fun, exploratory adventure.

 

Of course, if you don’t like the idea, you can just say, “I love this.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

There’s a wonderful story, “Augustus,” by the Nobel Prize-winning author Herman Hess, that illustrates the importance of being loving.

 

It’s about a young widow who gives birth to a boy she names Augustus.  A magical old man becomes his godfather and grant Elizabeth (coincidence) one wish for the boy.  After much hesitation she makes the wish that everyone will love Augustus.

 

Augustus grows up and despite is bad behavior, everyone loves him.  Although he gains fame and riches, he is bored.  The more he indulges and the more people love him, the emptier and greedier he becomes until eventually he no longer has any joy and becomes depressed.

 

Augustus falls ill and decides to end his life by poisoning himself.  However, just before he is about to drink his deadly potion, his godfather miraculously shows up and tells Augustus about the wish granted to his mother long ago, which had become a curse.  He offers his godson another wish, and, after much thought, Augustus tearfully asks to be able to love others.

 

No sooner is his wish granted than his friends abandon him, and he is jailed for his past misdeeds.  By the time he is released, Augustus is old and sick.  He decides to spend his last years wandering the earth, sharing his love and offering service.  Wherever he goes, he cheerfully give away what little he has—often just a smile and a look of understanding.

 

One day, Augustus finds himself in front of his old godfather’s house.  Is godfather welcomes him in and comments on how wonderful Augustus looks, and how kind and gentle his eyes are.  As they sit together quietly, Augustus dies happy and peacefully.

 

How often we think that if only everyone loved us, our problems would be solved and we should be happy.  The story of Augustus shows otherwise.  The message is simple—the greatest reward is to be loving. (End writings from J-R.)

 

I have taped to my mirror, my CP monitor, and refrigerator:  “Let love Lead” and “I Love This.”   By saying that I love my cancer, I love my past, I love the pain in my hand, I love this, whatever this is, has lost its power over me.  Odd as it may seem, it really worked for me.  It’s empowering. For those of you who struggle with your past, try it.  It takes time, but it just might work for you. too.  It comes down to accepting what was, what is, loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and letting go.

 

Stay in the moment and let love lead.