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19rhonda73 
OMG, I can't even bring myself to log my (lack of) progress on my weight loss goal this week. I weighed myself yesterday morning as usual, and I was UP 4.6LBS!!!!!! I was expecting a loss of up to 2lbs b/c I had been to the gym 3xs last week and felt pretty good about the food choices I had made. I'm expecting - and really hoping - that the gain can be attributed predominantly to my period. So, I'll be careful this week and work to stay on track, toward a loss when I step on the scale again this coming Sunday.
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Oh boy, it's been a full month since I journaled anything. Well, I've not been happy with the direction the scale's been going; actually, until this past Sunday, I hadn't weighed myself in about 3 weeks, but I could just feel that I was fatter. As of Sunday, I was 300.0, so I'm back to where I was on January 1st.
Then, last night I had a heart-to-heart discussion with a friend, and we talked about our weights for the 1st time. Come to find out, we're both interested in weight loss surgery.
After talking extensively about our feelings and food issues, what do I do? I literally GPS myself to the nearest McDonald's! I had decided shortly after leaving work and driving to my friend's house that I wasn't going to make it home until rather late, so making the meal I had planned just wasn't going to work. My next thought was, "How good would a Double Quarter-Pounder taste right now?" And that's all it took - I was on a mission. (Un)fortunately, the burger wasn't nearly as good as the last time I had one because it wasn't as juicy/greasy as I like, so it might be a while before I want one again.
To make matters worse, I downed an entire box of Girl Scout cookies when I got home. What the hell is wrong with me? I literally ate so many that I felt sick - physically and emotionally - afterward. I'm sure I ate about 2 days worth of fat and calories in those to eating episodes. See, this is why I don't journal often... my own behavior disgusts me sometimes, and I'm embarrassed by many of the (self-destructive) food choices I make.
If/when I do have WLS, how hard is it going to be to not gorge myself on crappy, high-fat, high-calorie food without hurting myself? I know I'm going to be miserable to live with during that period between the surgery and breaking the addiction, getting to a point where I don't crave certain trigger foods. And you know what else is weird? I probably could have eaten another entire DQP meal right after I finished the 1st! I was honestly feeling like I was still hungry or otherwise not satiated and wished I had cash on me so I could stop at McDonald's again without anyone having to know. The only thing that stopped me was that I used my debit card for the meal, and I didn't want to have to face my husband and explain why there were 2 charges at McDonald's. OMG, I'm afraid of just how fat and miserable I'd be right now if I weren't accountable to someone else.
After this wrenching journal entry, there is some good news: my husband and I are registered to participate in a 5K walk/run next month. He's going to run and I'm going to walk. It's only 2.6 miles, but it's a big milestone for him in his quest to participate in marathons, etc., and I decided that I would feel better about myself if I joined in, rather than just waiting for him at the finish line with my fat arms stretched out to hug him. He's really stepping up, and I need to do the same.
19rhonda73