katlestrange's Journal

what do i do
please somebody tell me what to do
there is nothing i can do anymore
if i leave i hurt everyone
if i keep lying i hurt myself the eventually everyone else
im loosing tash
and meg
and most probably all the people i used to see everyday
now what do i do
dan and karen are happy together i cant burden them
i dont want to burden them
i will eventually loose beth
then what??
i cant keep waking up to the same fat ugly face every morning
everything i try and do fails
i wanted to look nice at the prom
and in the photos guess what
its still the ugly fat girl but just in a stupid dresss
i hate waking up every morning and not knowing what to do
i have nothing to do
what do i do
i have no family
i have no friends
i have no life
im to scared to have a life
to scared to live life like averyone else
so i get left behind the one hows too "lazy" to get a life
im not lazy
im terified
i cant do basic things
i cant look after myself
i want to leave everyone and everything
i cant
i know i cant and so does everyone else
i cant die
i cant live
either way i will hurt everyone
i should be isolated
i want to be
its safer
no people no questions
no expectations
just nothing just me and a blank canvas
but then what do i do
i dont want to live life because i cant
i cant provide for myself
i cant even do school without fucking it up
i want everything to rewind just a few years
i dont want to be a kid
but i definatly dont want to be older
im not scared of age im scared of loss
i lost my nan
im loosing tash
and meg
im pushing my family away because i cant protect them anymore
i cant tell them the truth
i dont know what the truth is
i want to know
but it wont make any difference
i'l still fail
i cant be completely alone
i cant keep protecting my family
so they have to go
tash has to go
megan is going anyway
karen has dan and i can do that to her not again
mrs e has no idea what im feeling
i cant tell her
i need to protect her
icant drag her in again
im just a job to her
what she gets paid for
like beth
neither of them actually care
im not there family or friend
just a job
no connection at all
thats the point
no connection
strangers
i cant rely on them
i cant rely on anyone
not family
not friends
not myself
not strangers
what do i do
tell me what to do
give me an answer
i need an answer
i cant see an answer
not a clear one
not even and unclear one
i cant keep guessing anymore
there is no road ahead
just deadends
no money
no home
no escape
no chance
i've thought of everything i can do
but i cant rely on myelf suddenly finding away
because i always fail
im the person
nobody loves
nobody even notices im alive
people care but i wish they wouldnt
then they get hurt
i cant hurt people again
i want to be better
feel better
have a future
but do i really?
what have a "normal" day with a normal job
in a normal house
with a normal family
and do what?
 have good days and bad days like everyone else??
thats not a future
thats just life
there is no point to life
except to live it
just prove to yourself that you can survive everyday
i want to much out of life
i just want to be happy
but happiness doesnt exsists
not according to miss e
nobody is happy in life
thats just fairytales
like falling down a rabbithole
and finding out how good my life is?
what the point in living a life like mine
where i have oppotunities better than most other people
but im too afraid to take them
theres no through road
i get job
then what
i wake up terrified because i have work
spend my days off counting down the hours till i
work again
thats not a life
what if it is?
well i'd rather not live it
i dont want to live a life like that
but in a way i already do
i wake up
stare at myself in the mirror wondering why i look like i do
like my mum i suppose
according to everyone else
i look like her
thats not a compliment
but im not rude enough to say its an insult
she cant change and i wouldnt want her to
theres is no point in change
it doesnt make things better
it just gives people other oppotunities to complain
like me
i complain
a lot
about nothing
because im selfish and ungratful
and many other words i cant be bothered to write
because im lazy
no
scared to list because i dont want to realise how horrible i am