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katlestrange 
6:46pm, October 31, 2009
what do i do
please somebody tell me what to do
there is nothing i can do anymore
if i leave i hurt everyone
if i keep lying i hurt myself the eventually everyone else
im loosing tash
and meg
and most probably all the people i used to see everyday
now what do i do
dan and karen are happy together i cant burden them
i dont want to burden them
i will eventually loose beth
then what??
i cant keep waking up to the same fat ugly face every morning
everything i try and do fails
i wanted to look nice at the prom
and in the photos guess what
its still the ugly fat girl but just in a stupid dresss
i hate waking up every morning and not knowing what to do
i have nothing to do
what do i do
i have no family
i have no friends
i have no life
im to scared to have a life
to scared to live life like averyone else
so i get left behind the one hows too "lazy" to get a life
im not lazy
im terified
i cant do basic things
i cant look after myself
i want to leave everyone and everything
i cant
i know i cant and so does everyone else
i cant die
i cant live
either way i will hurt everyone
i should be isolated
i want to be
its safer
no people no questions
no expectations
just nothing just me and a blank canvas
but then what do i do
i dont want to live life because i cant
i cant provide for myself
i cant even do school without fucking it up
i want everything to rewind just a few years
i dont want to be a kid
but i definatly dont want to be older
im not scared of age im scared of loss
i lost my nan
im loosing tash
and meg
im pushing my family away because i cant protect them anymore
i cant tell them the truth
i dont know what the truth is
i want to know
but it wont make any difference
i'l still fail
i cant be completely alone
i cant keep protecting my family
so they have to go
tash has to go
megan is going anyway
karen has dan and i can do that to her not again
mrs e has no idea what im feeling
i cant tell her
i need to protect her
icant drag her in again
im just a job to her
what she gets paid for
like beth
neither of them actually care
im not there family or friend
just a job
no connection at all
thats the point
no connection
strangers
i cant rely on them
i cant rely on anyone
not family
not friends
not myself
not strangers
what do i do
tell me what to do
give me an answer
i need an answer
i cant see an answer
not a clear one
not even and unclear one
i cant keep guessing anymore
there is no road ahead
just deadends
no money
no home
no escape
no chance
i've thought of everything i can do
but i cant rely on myelf suddenly finding away
because i always fail
im the person
nobody loves
nobody even notices im alive
people care but i wish they wouldnt
then they get hurt
i cant hurt people again
i want to be better
feel better
have a future
but do i really?
what have a "normal" day with a normal job
in a normal house
with a normal family
and do what?
have good days and bad days like everyone else??
thats not a future
thats just life
there is no point to life
except to live it
just prove to yourself that you can survive everyday
i want to much out of life
i just want to be happy
but happiness doesnt exsists
not according to miss e
nobody is happy in life
thats just fairytales
like falling down a rabbithole
and finding out how good my life is?
what the point in living a life like mine
where i have oppotunities better than most other people
but im too afraid to take them
theres no through road
i get job
then what
i wake up terrified because i have work
spend my days off counting down the hours till i
work again
thats not a life
what if it is?
well i'd rather not live it
i dont want to live a life like that
but in a way i already do
i wake up
stare at myself in the mirror wondering why i look like i do
like my mum i suppose
according to everyone else
i look like her
thats not a compliment
but im not rude enough to say its an insult
she cant change and i wouldnt want her to
theres is no point in change
it doesnt make things better
it just gives people other oppotunities to complain
like me
i complain
a lot
about nothing
because im selfish and ungratful
and many other words i cant be bothered to write
because im lazy
no
scared to list because i dont want to realise how horrible i am
please somebody tell me what to do
there is nothing i can do anymore
if i leave i hurt everyone
if i keep lying i hurt myself the eventually everyone else
im loosing tash
and meg
and most probably all the people i used to see everyday
now what do i do
dan and karen are happy together i cant burden them
i dont want to burden them
i will eventually loose beth
then what??
i cant keep waking up to the same fat ugly face every morning
everything i try and do fails
i wanted to look nice at the prom
and in the photos guess what
its still the ugly fat girl but just in a stupid dresss
i hate waking up every morning and not knowing what to do
i have nothing to do
what do i do
i have no family
i have no friends
i have no life
im to scared to have a life
to scared to live life like averyone else
so i get left behind the one hows too "lazy" to get a life
im not lazy
im terified
i cant do basic things
i cant look after myself
i want to leave everyone and everything
i cant
i know i cant and so does everyone else
i cant die
i cant live
either way i will hurt everyone
i should be isolated
i want to be
its safer
no people no questions
no expectations
just nothing just me and a blank canvas
but then what do i do
i dont want to live life because i cant
i cant provide for myself
i cant even do school without fucking it up
i want everything to rewind just a few years
i dont want to be a kid
but i definatly dont want to be older
im not scared of age im scared of loss
i lost my nan
im loosing tash
and meg
im pushing my family away because i cant protect them anymore
i cant tell them the truth
i dont know what the truth is
i want to know
but it wont make any difference
i'l still fail
i cant be completely alone
i cant keep protecting my family
so they have to go
tash has to go
megan is going anyway
karen has dan and i can do that to her not again
mrs e has no idea what im feeling
i cant tell her
i need to protect her
icant drag her in again
im just a job to her
what she gets paid for
like beth
neither of them actually care
im not there family or friend
just a job
no connection at all
thats the point
no connection
strangers
i cant rely on them
i cant rely on anyone
not family
not friends
not myself
not strangers
what do i do
tell me what to do
give me an answer
i need an answer
i cant see an answer
not a clear one
not even and unclear one
i cant keep guessing anymore
there is no road ahead
just deadends
no money
no home
no escape
no chance
i've thought of everything i can do
but i cant rely on myelf suddenly finding away
because i always fail
im the person
nobody loves
nobody even notices im alive
people care but i wish they wouldnt
then they get hurt
i cant hurt people again
i want to be better
feel better
have a future
but do i really?
what have a "normal" day with a normal job
in a normal house
with a normal family
and do what?
have good days and bad days like everyone else??
thats not a future
thats just life
there is no point to life
except to live it
just prove to yourself that you can survive everyday
i want to much out of life
i just want to be happy
but happiness doesnt exsists
not according to miss e
nobody is happy in life
thats just fairytales
like falling down a rabbithole
and finding out how good my life is?
what the point in living a life like mine
where i have oppotunities better than most other people
but im too afraid to take them
theres no through road
i get job
then what
i wake up terrified because i have work
spend my days off counting down the hours till i
work again
thats not a life
what if it is?
well i'd rather not live it
i dont want to live a life like that
but in a way i already do
i wake up
stare at myself in the mirror wondering why i look like i do
like my mum i suppose
according to everyone else
i look like her
thats not a compliment
but im not rude enough to say its an insult
she cant change and i wouldnt want her to
theres is no point in change
it doesnt make things better
it just gives people other oppotunities to complain
like me
i complain
a lot
about nothing
because im selfish and ungratful
and many other words i cant be bothered to write
because im lazy
no
scared to list because i dont want to realise how horrible i am
I ASKED MY BLOODY PARENTS IF TIM (WHO MAY I JUST ADD IS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS WHO JUST HAPPENDS TO BE A BOY) IF HE COULD STAY FOR A SLEEPOVER BECAUSE HE IS COMING TO MINE ON WEDNESDAY THEN ON THURSDAY WERE BOTH GOING TO A FRIENDS BDAY PARTY, IF HE COULD STAY OVER SO HIS DAD DIDNT HAVE TO PICK HIM UP. AND THEY SAID NO WTF IS THERE PROBLEM, THEY WONT EVEN LET HIM SLEEP IN THE GARDEN WHEN IM INSIDE FOR FUCK SAKE IM 16 THEREFORE I CAN DO WHAT THE FUCK I LIKE WITH HIM AND ITS NONE OF THERE BUSINESS BUT HE IS ONLY MY FRIEND WE SLEPT IN THE SAME TENT BEFORE AT PARTYS AND THEY DIDNT MIND THAT WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM! I HATE THEM SO MUCH THEY SEEM TO THINK IM SOME SLAG THAT CANT EVEN KEEP MY PANTS ON WHEN IM WITH MY FRIENDS. THEY HAVE NNO TRUST IN ME AT ALL AND I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG.
well unlike most of my friends i think i had the worst holiday of my life! not only on the last day of school i felt i couldnt come in because i had fallen out with emily, who is my life <3. So after falling out with her, tash decided everything happens to be my fault. she had a complete spaz at me and after that i had nothing i could do but cut. don't get me wrong i love her more than life but why is she always calling me selfish and saying im inconsiderate when i live my whole life trying to please her my other friends my parents and everyone else i know. she said to me and i quote "we are just like lil puppets that are pushed around and treated like crap when you feel bad" im sorry but what the fuck is she on about, if i treated her like crap everytime i was upset she would kill me. this is the first and last time i snap at one of my friends if this is how she is going to treat me. the argument if you can call it that was between me and emily it had nothing to do with her so why does she have to get involved. after that i havent spoken to anyone, i havent seen any of them and spent nearly all of my holiday on my own.
only a couple of days after that my mum decides that my art is too personal which incase she hasnt realised is the only advantage i have and even mr potter agrees, she went off about how she didnt like what it said and how screwed up i am, but after that had finally calmed down i went to bed and spent 3 hours crying before i finally got to sleep.
The very next my mum want to talk to me and my dad in the lounge, she now thinks its a good idea to move out as she is obviously making my life worse, apprently. i got so pset on that day that i ended up punching my wall with such force i took the skin off two of my fingers leaving blood on the wall. After a few days of none of us really speaking my dad manages to get my mum to stay, but unfortunatly by that point ive come to the conclusion, that not even my mum wants me anymore.
me and my dad went to see the new doctor, she seems quite nice and decided to up the dose of my meds, which after all was what i thought she was going to do. but only to get a phone call two days later saying that i should be taken back down to the orginal dose and the decision was now up to the ow so brilliant doctor stanley. so as usually i have to wait for ages to get any decision out of him.
by this time in the holiday im so worked up about everything i cant even sit still, so when it came to doing my textiles i couldnt concentrate for two seconds. but against my will i had to try so hard and it took so long just to do an evaluation let alone most of my folder work, so ive just got to hope mrs walton's in a good mood when she marks it.
my dad was supposed to be going into hospital for an opperation but how suprisingly its been cancelled the day before and her now has to wait another week. which makes him more nevous and me every nevous.
i wrote cards to emily and tash explaining how sorry i was and telling them that if they want me to i will leave them alone. Emily has said that the card was lovely and everything seems to have calmed down between me and her, but tash on the other hand want me karen her and emily to meet on tuesday lunch to sort this out, which actually means have a go at me.
And as if that wasn't enough i've gained nearly all the weight i lost back on again so im now going on a crash diet in hope of losing it again.
THE END
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| April 2009 |
Monday, 4/20
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December 2008 |
Wednesday, 12/31
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November 2008 |
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Tuesday, 11/18
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Thursday, 11/13
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October 2008 |
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Sunday, 10/12
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Sunday, 10/05
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Friday, 10/03
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September 2008 |
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Tuesday, 9/16
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Saturday, 9/06
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Saturday, 9/06
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Thursday, 9/04
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Tuesday, 9/02
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August 2008 |
Monday, 8/25
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Saturday, 8/16
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Sunday, 8/10
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Saturday, 8/09
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Saturday, 8/09
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Saturday, 8/09
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Saturday, 8/09
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Saturday, 8/09
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Saturday, 8/09
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Friday, 8/08
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Sunday, 8/03
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Sunday, 8/03
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Sunday, 8/03
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July 2008 |
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Sunday, 7/20
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Wednesday, 7/16
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Saturday, 7/05
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Saturday, 7/05
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June 2008 |
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Friday, 6/27
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Thursday, 6/12
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Thursday, 6/12
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Wednesday, 6/11
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Sunday, 6/08
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Friday, 6/06
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Friday, 6/06
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Friday, 6/06
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Friday, 6/06
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May 2008 |
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Thursday, 5/29
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January 2008 |
Wednesday, 1/02
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Tuesday, 1/01
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December 2007 |
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Monday, 12/24
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Wednesday, 12/05
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Goal Updated
Just be careful with this diet. Sometimes they don't always work so be sure to put in some exercise too. As for Tash...she doesn't seem like a nice friend to have if she's gonna act like this around you. It might be a good idea to avoid her from now on. Obviously, your mom doesn't know what art is when she sees it. >_> Haven't really seen your art but I bet it's great. You should try to talk to your new doctor about what happened with your meds. It kind of seems...not right for them to up them and then quickly decide to lower them. As for your dad's operation, he needs to call the hospital and let them know that they can't keep doing this anymore. Anyway, I hope things start to get somewhat better for you. *hugs*
CloudStrife
thanks
katlestrange