Journal

Time goes by so fast. I cant believe its been so long since I wrote in my journal. Ive been in my new home now for over a month. I love my new home! Ive been working very hard at getting things organized and doing the jobs needed to prepare for winter. Its mostly been outside stuff but I did get my basement insulated and the vapour barrier up. You can definately tell where I began...it looks better as I had more practise...lol...oh well it will be covered by drywall so you wont be able to tell. I have completed my white picket fence and fixed up the flower beds. It looks so cute. Almost fairy tale cute. I planted 200 spring bulbs in that one flower bed. My affirmation is that...when the spring bulbs bloom...so will I.  

Emotionally...Ive had my ups and downs. After being married for 24 years it takes some adjustments living on my own. Divorce sucks. Im still dealing with anger issues...but Im working through them. I think the anger is more based from the feelings of abandonment as well as my refusal to see the signs in the first place. I swept a lot under the carpet.  Im trying very hard to take ownership of the part I played in the breakdown of my marriage.  I do know I did all I could do to save this marriage...I didnt leave a single stone unturned. I have accepted I must move on. But, its hard. Thank goodness I have my children and my boys (dogs) I will get through this and I will be happy again...it has already begun.

I actually went on a date! The fellow that did my house inspection prior to my buying my home has stopped by a few times to see how I was doing. Well he asked me out and I had a wonderful time. We have plans to see each other again. He is a very nice fellow. He also is going through divorce and understands what I am going through. His situation is exactly like mine. We're helping each other get through it. I am enjoying his company.

I am happy to say remission is holding. My FT4 still moves around a bit more than I would like but the movement is less. I feel okay mostly. I am so greatful for all the help I have recieved here at DS. I have learned enough where I know my body very well. I can now tell when my FT4 is moving. I also know when its to low vs acceptable low. Isnt that awesome. My eyes have not moved now for about 3 months. Although the movement has been for the better placement wise...worse sight wise....I understand that as they settle more into there rightful place...it will effect my sight. Im pretty sure if this continues I will be able to either get the surgery for my eye muscles or get permanent prisms in premanent glasses. I just want this resolved...I hate having to keep switching glasses for different needs and I hate the bubbles on my lenses due to the temporary prisms. I have so much riding on spring...I hope Im not setting myself up for disillusionment.

This is a wee bit frustrating. I have a lot of swelling around my eyes and my vision is a bit more impaired because my FT4 is to low for me. Its 12.9 range 10.5-20.0   I see my doc on the 22nd and Im hoping she will think about my taking small amounts of Synthroid to help with this. I already know that I feel really good when my FT4 is between 16 and 17   My TSH and FT3 are in a good place for me although I could handle a bit more FT3 but I feel okay where its at. I am also having muscle aches and joint pain...all hypo stuff. I thought I saw the last of hypo hell but it appears I have more to deal with. The odd thing is ...even though Im having eye problems and my vision is a bit more blurry I have been able to reduce down to my original prescrip for prisims. So in one sense things are getting better but worse in another sense. TED sucks. It just goes to show you that your levels really do effect TED. Im sad though..because I was hoping to have my double vision corrected this Feb but since there still moving I probably wont be able to. I just want to have one pair of glasses and see everything. What a treat that would be.

Well I didnt make it into my new house this past weekend. I will probably be able to this weekend though.  I got the picket fence done complete with gates. Ive got one coat of white paint on them and  it looks great. I took pictures so I will post them when I figure out how to get them on the computer. Ive done it once before but I have forgotten how I did it. I washed  every sq inch of the place..it was so dirty. But it looks really good. I should be ready to start painting on Friday. Im getting so excited. Im going to love my little house by the ocean with the white picket fence...lol...it just feels right!

I had a bit of a set back on the emotional front. It seems to come and go. I was doing really well and then it hit me..like a wave. Im over it now..I think...so Im thinking that Ive had my one step back and now its time to take 3 stelps forward. Its just so hard to walk away from the dream. Ive been told many times that I live in a bubble...but I like my bubble. My ex husband may not fit into my bubble anymore but I have room for new people and experiences. I love my bubble. Its a good place to be! Big Hugs...Kathy

I havnt posted in quite a while and so much has happened to me.  I am divorced now and I took possession of my new home today. I am hoping to move in next weekend if it all goes well. Its still a bit hard living in the same house with my ex husband but I wont have to do it much longer.The hardest part of this whole thing is his cold indifference towards me. He shows little care and much irritation of my existance. What a shame after spending 24 years of my life with this man. This man that I loved for that whole 24 years. I know in my heart I have done all I can do, I have left no rock unturned.  I now have to walk away knowing I did my best.  I wish only the best for him. I hope he finds that greener grass on the other side of that imaginary fence. Time will tell!

As for me...I am moving on. Although my heart still carries a bit of heaviness...I know Im a strong person and I know I can create a new life for myself. One that is reflective of the love and commitment I hold so dear to my heart. I have overcome some rather large obstacles in the last couple of years...I can overcome this as well. I will be totally honest though....this is probably the largest and most difficult obsacle in my life to date.

 I spent my morning getting lumber to finish the white picket fence that was started at my new house.  Its going to look so nice when its done...this has to be done before I move in so my dogs have a secure yard. The little buggers will take off if there not fenced in. I found 6 sets of antique clear glass door handles today. I want to put them on all my interiour doors. I think they will look great.

I spent the afternoon washing cupboards at the new house. The fellow that owned it before me lived there for 53 years. He bought it for 300$ Things are pretty dirty so I dont think he cleaned in some time...like 20 years or so..lol...its pretty grimy!  I will do a bit each day until I move in. What dosnt get done can be done after I move. I really only need one clean room ...well maybe 3 to be able to move. 

Im going to be happy in my new house. Im not going to fool myself though. I do expect to have a hard time when I move. Im going to give myself a month to grieve but then its onward and upward.  I dont think I can leave behind 24 years of life without feeing more sadness of that loss. The weird thing about it is...its him that wants this divorce. It was him that wanted it the first time. He moved out the first time and I felt so abandoned. This time I am moving and it feels like Im leaving him although thats not true. Im feeling slightly guilty and at the same time Im feeling slightly empowered. Aarrgg...Ill sort it out in time. Hind sight is so awesome!