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DrDuke 
4:32pm, October 31, 2008
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On 08/28/08, 12:14pm a friend wrote:
Hi you posted in Considering Adoption...and said "We also focused more on how we would deal with gradeschoolers and teens, than babies. Parenting a baby is pretty simple in comparison to the challenges that come with teens! " I was wondering if you'd be willing to share your profile?
Thank you!
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So I replied:
We did not have an electronic version at all. Just a paper one.
We only made 3 copies. The birthmom has one, the birthgraddparents on the dad's side have one, and we kept one.
I keep quite a few bookmarks in my browser, such as:
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/
http://www.theadoptionguide.com/
http://www.cubirthparents.org/
http://www.adoptionforum.org/Home.html
I had quite a few examples of good and bad (in my opinion) profiles, but they are all outdated, and no longer available now.
http://www.parentprofiles.com/
come ups with a GOOGLE search, let's see what I find there...
I don't see any that look real bad there. But if I was a pregnant girl, or if I was browsing them because my daughter or a friend of mine was looking to place a child, I'd have a tough time choosing one.
That's where our agency was so good. They spent many hours with us, and many hours with each potential birthmother. So they had a good idea of personalities. They then would give the birthmother just 3 or 4 of the photo albums that served as our profiles. The profiles had letters from both of us to the b-mom, letters from both of us to the b-dad, a one-page history for each of us, and a one-page explanation of parenting from each of us. Plus lots of photos.
I think they typically gave the potential birthmother 2 or 3 albums from couples they thought were a good match, and one that was purposefully chosen as a bad match, so that the birthmother could immediately see "Oh yes, this is why these 2 look good to me!" When they all sort of look the same, how the heck can you feel like your match was made in heaven?
You would not marry a random stranger. Internet dating is even a bit sketchy. How can a young woman trust you to raise her child for 18+ years? The kid won't be able to divorce from you if he or she does not like your parenting style...
So, I put myself in the other shoes. I really thought about what I would want to know, if I were choosing parents to trust my baby to. A photo of a house, or a couple in wedding attire says nothing, compared to a photo of us skiing or hiking. Or a photo of us with our friend's kids, cooking out.
But the main thing was we did not indicate that "open" adoption meant letters and photos mailed through a blind PO box. We said right up front that we hoped to find a birthmother who we could welcome into our family. We knew from education our agency had helped us with, that a fully open adoption is not "co-parenting". The birthmother has no more right to tell us how to raise the kids than my sister or mom does. But I do listen to my sisters and my mom, and I am willing to listen to advice from the birthgrandmother too.
I think the physical visits are very important for all of us. I could write a whole book on that. We love not only the birthmother, but also the aunts and uncles and cousins we have met. They have welcomed us into their family, as much as we have welcomed them into ours. It is no more "awkward" than what so many other families deal with now with ex-wives and step-dads and all that.
Not every adoption can be fully open. There are some bad people in the world. But in general, people have been lead to believe that birthmothers are scary. That they will want to steal the child back, or something. If there is that kind of fear, then there should also be guilt that the adoptive couple essentially stole the child; that the birthmother did not make a fully informed choice. If you don't have 100% trust in her, why should she be expected to trust you?
When you meet a pregnant woman in person, hear exactly why she wants you to parent her child. Why she can't be the parent, etc... The fear goes away. Go see the movie _Juno_ for just one example.
http://www.foxsearchlight.com/juno/
Comments
Dr. Duke,
I am new to this group, but not new to open adoption. I have 24 years under my belt and a million tears and regrets. I am a bmom who after six months pregnancy made a decision to give my baby to a couple in need. I always wanted her, but money, relationships put me in a vunerable position. I put me in a vunerable position. Nothing could be said now that would make me change my feelings that it was the biggest mistake of my life. I was lied to and now have a bdad, who is also a policeman, that hacks my computers, calls and makes threats, says filthy things to me. They renigged on everything: photos, letters and that someday we would tell her what two women did together. Problem was they never told her she was adopted. Apparently my background is one that they decided would harm her. I have met her once. She is just like them: false promises, lies, etc. So, environment seems to win out in my situation. I really did a horrible job selecting birthparents. I think all the time about the girls who really don't want to give their babies up, but because things aren't lined up right they are almost forced to give them up. I wish there were an organization who help women keep their babies. I praise you for the inclusion of the birth family...that's what I thought was going to happen. I think birthmothers are the disposible person in this arrangement. Look how many people are trying to find each other. It breaks my heart that I put my child into the hands of deceitful, short sighted people. When you say the birth mother is bad, you are telling the child half of you is bad. It is a cruel irony that they think I am not a good human being. It is what counselors call projection, I think. Thanks for letting me pontificate!
MommaMack