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DrDuke 
4:32pm, October 31, 2008
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On 08/28/08, 12:14pm a friend wrote:
Hi you posted in Considering Adoption...and said "We also focused more on how we would deal with gradeschoolers and teens, than babies. Parenting a baby is pretty simple in comparison to the challenges that come with teens! " I was wondering if you'd be willing to share your profile?
Thank you!
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So I replied:
We did not have an electronic version at all. Just a paper one.
We only made 3 copies. The birthmom has one, the birthgraddparents on the dad's side have one, and we kept one.
I keep quite a few bookmarks in my browser, such as:
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/
http://www.theadoptionguide.com/
http://www.cubirthparents.org/
http://www.adoptionforum.org/Home.html
I had quite a few examples of good and bad (in my opinion) profiles, but they are all outdated, and no longer available now.
http://www.parentprofiles.com/
come ups with a GOOGLE search, let's see what I find there...
I don't see any that look real bad there. But if I was a pregnant girl, or if I was browsing them because my daughter or a friend of mine was looking to place a child, I'd have a tough time choosing one.
That's where our agency was so good. They spent many hours with us, and many hours with each potential birthmother. So they had a good idea of personalities. They then would give the birthmother just 3 or 4 of the photo albums that served as our profiles. The profiles had letters from both of us to the b-mom, letters from both of us to the b-dad, a one-page history for each of us, and a one-page explanation of parenting from each of us. Plus lots of photos.
I think they typically gave the potential birthmother 2 or 3 albums from couples they thought were a good match, and one that was purposefully chosen as a bad match, so that the birthmother could immediately see "Oh yes, this is why these 2 look good to me!" When they all sort of look the same, how the heck can you feel like your match was made in heaven?
You would not marry a random stranger. Internet dating is even a bit sketchy. How can a young woman trust you to raise her child for 18+ years? The kid won't be able to divorce from you if he or she does not like your parenting style...
So, I put myself in the other shoes. I really thought about what I would want to know, if I were choosing parents to trust my baby to. A photo of a house, or a couple in wedding attire says nothing, compared to a photo of us skiing or hiking. Or a photo of us with our friend's kids, cooking out.
But the main thing was we did not indicate that "open" adoption meant letters and photos mailed through a blind PO box. We said right up front that we hoped to find a birthmother who we could welcome into our family. We knew from education our agency had helped us with, that a fully open adoption is not "co-parenting". The birthmother has no more right to tell us how to raise the kids than my sister or mom does. But I do listen to my sisters and my mom, and I am willing to listen to advice from the birthgrandmother too.
I think the physical visits are very important for all of us. I could write a whole book on that. We love not only the birthmother, but also the aunts and uncles and cousins we have met. They have welcomed us into their family, as much as we have welcomed them into ours. It is no more "awkward" than what so many other families deal with now with ex-wives and step-dads and all that.
Not every adoption can be fully open. There are some bad people in the world. But in general, people have been lead to believe that birthmothers are scary. That they will want to steal the child back, or something. If there is that kind of fear, then there should also be guilt that the adoptive couple essentially stole the child; that the birthmother did not make a fully informed choice. If you don't have 100% trust in her, why should she be expected to trust you?
When you meet a pregnant woman in person, hear exactly why she wants you to parent her child. Why she can't be the parent, etc... The fear goes away. Go see the movie _Juno_ for just one example.
http://www.foxsearchlight.com/juno/
Comments
Someone in the HIV group has been questioning how it can be possible to know that HIV causes AIDS, when so many people such as Peter Duesberg have alternative hypotheses about it. He asked me why I came to DailyStrength and some other questions, and I gave a detailed reply. I thought it would be worth putting that in my journal in case other people care.
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No, I am not paid by DailyStrength, I came here voluntarily. I came here, and I have stuck around to help, for a couple of reasons. I am an HIV researcher, and although I work in a rather high tech area of vaccine design I know that until a safe and affordable vaccine can be delivered to the world the single best mechanism of preventing the spread of this virus is accurate information. There are organizations of people, such as Peter Duesberg's Rethinking AIDS group who are actively spreading misinformation about HIV, but more commonly there are people who just do not understand how HIV is and is not spread.
A diagnosis of being infected with HIV, or being HIV seropositive, is not a "dead end". Only the "AIDS dissidents" use the "HIV = AIDS" equation. No virus harms everyone it infects (with rabies being a near exception). On top of that, since 1996 or so HIV infection in the developed world has become very treatable for the percentage of infected people who eventually require treatment.
Everyone should investigate all avenues of information about everything, not just medical advice but also financial advice, mental health advice, religious advice, etc. They should also keep in mind that not all advice is good advice, and that free advice is not necessarily better than advice you pay for. People also need to understand the difference between opinions or beliefs, and data or evidence. One person may say Chevys are better than Fords for example when giving advice about cars, but that is not the same as being able to show you the per car repair records for the Ford Broncos and the Chevy Blazers built between 1995 and 1998.
I started studying biology in 1977 with the plan of becoming a wildlife biologist. I got interested in computers and molecular genetics in the early 1980s because both DNA sequencing and personal computers were becoming available at that time. The combination was uncovering a vast wilderness of information about biology and life. It was, and continues to be, a very exciting line of research. After getting my BS I worked in environmental chemistry a bit, and then in molecular genetics for a few years, before returning to school for a PhD.
After I got my PhD I took a job in HIV epidemiology. I had nightmares every night in those early years, reading paper after paper about the average time from diagnosis to death, about infants infected with HIV at birth or through breastfeeding, and about the spread of the virus from Africa into Thailand, India, China, Russia, Brazil and other places. For someone who grew up thinking of biology and life as beauty, it was very depressing to be studying what was arguably the ugliest organism on earth from the viewpoint of the human suffering it caused. But I stuck with it because I knew that it would take a lot of work to bring this pandemic under control and put an end to the suffering.
The first treatments for HIV infection proved to be essentially worthless. They would knock the virus down for somewhere between a week and 2 months, but the virus evolved so quickly that it would become resistant to any single drug. Not until combinations of drugs (the so called HAART) became available in the late 1990s did we begin to see patients living normal lives after having PCP or other symptoms of severe immune deficiency.
The people who actively spread misinformation about HIV being harmless, or HIV not existing, are just one source of misinformation on HIV and AIDS. I won't even bother to list these other sources of misinformation here, they are all very disturbing to think about.
--
---
No, I am not paid by DailyStrength, I came here voluntarily. I came here, and I have stuck around to help, for a couple of reasons. I am an HIV researcher, and although I work in a rather high tech area of vaccine design I know that until a safe and affordable vaccine can be delivered to the world the single best mechanism of preventing the spread of this virus is accurate information. There are organizations of people, such as Peter Duesberg's Rethinking AIDS group who are actively spreading misinformation about HIV, but more commonly there are people who just do not understand how HIV is and is not spread.
A diagnosis of being infected with HIV, or being HIV seropositive, is not a "dead end". Only the "AIDS dissidents" use the "HIV = AIDS" equation. No virus harms everyone it infects (with rabies being a near exception). On top of that, since 1996 or so HIV infection in the developed world has become very treatable for the percentage of infected people who eventually require treatment.
Everyone should investigate all avenues of information about everything, not just medical advice but also financial advice, mental health advice, religious advice, etc. They should also keep in mind that not all advice is good advice, and that free advice is not necessarily better than advice you pay for. People also need to understand the difference between opinions or beliefs, and data or evidence. One person may say Chevys are better than Fords for example when giving advice about cars, but that is not the same as being able to show you the per car repair records for the Ford Broncos and the Chevy Blazers built between 1995 and 1998.
I started studying biology in 1977 with the plan of becoming a wildlife biologist. I got interested in computers and molecular genetics in the early 1980s because both DNA sequencing and personal computers were becoming available at that time. The combination was uncovering a vast wilderness of information about biology and life. It was, and continues to be, a very exciting line of research. After getting my BS I worked in environmental chemistry a bit, and then in molecular genetics for a few years, before returning to school for a PhD.
After I got my PhD I took a job in HIV epidemiology. I had nightmares every night in those early years, reading paper after paper about the average time from diagnosis to death, about infants infected with HIV at birth or through breastfeeding, and about the spread of the virus from Africa into Thailand, India, China, Russia, Brazil and other places. For someone who grew up thinking of biology and life as beauty, it was very depressing to be studying what was arguably the ugliest organism on earth from the viewpoint of the human suffering it caused. But I stuck with it because I knew that it would take a lot of work to bring this pandemic under control and put an end to the suffering.
The first treatments for HIV infection proved to be essentially worthless. They would knock the virus down for somewhere between a week and 2 months, but the virus evolved so quickly that it would become resistant to any single drug. Not until combinations of drugs (the so called HAART) became available in the late 1990s did we begin to see patients living normal lives after having PCP or other symptoms of severe immune deficiency.
The people who actively spread misinformation about HIV being harmless, or HIV not existing, are just one source of misinformation on HIV and AIDS. I won't even bother to list these other sources of misinformation here, they are all very disturbing to think about.
--
Comments
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Well I for one am glad you are here Brian. I do not consider myself a dissident but I certainly do not believe everything I read either. I have more Faith in prayer and Strength of Spirit than I do in chemical warfare when it comes to battling HIV. This is my truth. What is true for one person may not be true for another. I wish I knew why some people seem to be able to live with HIV for a long time while others succumb rapidly.
Anyway, my hope is that you do create a vaccine to cure this virus. I bet those POZ dissidents will BE quick to wave the "Dr. Duke Rocks" flag then.
BE WELL.
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I am sorry that all of this is going on and I sure do wish that people would be more understanding and open to the differences in each one of us...I appreciate everything that you do here on DS and for all of the information that you make available for us to research and learn about the illnesses that we all have...Much appreciation as always...~Doll~
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I thank you Dr. Duke for all of your help and understanding. Since I have been on this site I have truly been able to understand this disease better and have had a better insight on myself. Again, Thank you.
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Thanks for caring enough to share what you are learning. This journal entry describing the path that led you to your current field of work is inspiring.
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I am so glad that there are people like you who are on the front lines, fighting this horrible virus.
I don't know anyone personally who has this, (not that I know of, anyway), but my family of Man has it and that is enough.
Thank you for your work.
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I thank you for all your hard work to life for us easier. I haven't been on this site long but am sure you will be an inspiration and educator for everyone.
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Nice to meet you DrDuke. Being a bit of a techy sort myself I would be very interested to get a basic understanding in the virology of HIV. Of course I've read about how the HAART combination suppresses the virus and also helps to rebuild the IS which in turn assists in fighting off the OI's ..even to the extent of (virtually) clearing up my cutaneous KS
I'd be very greatful if you could point me in the direction of some starter material for someone like myself as I'd like to delve a little deeper into the micro side of things. i.e the DNA, molecular structure and so on.
I ask you personally because I feel you could save me a whole lot of time searching and reading wrong or inaccurate information.
Many thanks
We just returned from visiting my twin daughters' birthfamilies. The birthmother is single and has 3 kept children, 2 older and 1 younger than the twins. The birthdad died (part of the reason for the decision for adoption) but his mom and several brothers still live in the area. The birthdad also had several children with other women, so our twins have many half-siblings to visit, as well as many cousins.
Visiting the birthfamilies is not much different than visiting some of my own biological relatives. It is essentially identical to visiting my wife's relatives, or relatives of my own that I did not grow up with daily contact.
The twins are 10 years old now, and we try to visit the birthfamilies for at least a week each year. Sometimes they come to visit us, but more often we make the trip to visit them.
It is really not any more complex than most cases of divorce and remarriage with step-parents, half siblings, and all that.
Comments
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what a wonderful thing to do, to adopt and then maintain contact bless you all
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I agree! Your great for doing this!
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God Bless you and your family!!
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Dr. Duke,
I am new to this group, but not new to open adoption. I have 24 years under my belt and a million tears and regrets. I am a bmom who after six months pregnancy made a decision to give my baby to a couple in need. I always wanted her, but money, relationships put me in a vunerable position. I put me in a vunerable position. Nothing could be said now that would make me change my feelings that it was the biggest mistake of my life. I was lied to and now have a bdad, who is also a policeman, that hacks my computers, calls and makes threats, says filthy things to me. They renigged on everything: photos, letters and that someday we would tell her what two women did together. Problem was they never told her she was adopted. Apparently my background is one that they decided would harm her. I have met her once. She is just like them: false promises, lies, etc. So, environment seems to win out in my situation. I really did a horrible job selecting birthparents. I think all the time about the girls who really don't want to give their babies up, but because things aren't lined up right they are almost forced to give them up. I wish there were an organization who help women keep their babies. I praise you for the inclusion of the birth family...that's what I thought was going to happen. I think birthmothers are the disposible person in this arrangement. Look how many people are trying to find each other. It breaks my heart that I put my child into the hands of deceitful, short sighted people. When you say the birth mother is bad, you are telling the child half of you is bad. It is a cruel irony that they think I am not a good human being. It is what counselors call projection, I think. Thanks for letting me pontificate!
MommaMack