hoops's Journal

So I think I've gotten to the point now with Gretchen and her friend J that I have to let go of all this or it will just be rehashing drama and being sick. I realized last night that the whole point of step 4 is to be able to take situations like this one and the one with my mom and see clearly my own feelings and my own part in all of this. So step 4 is esentially an open step that I have to keep doing through out my life. Here's what I've come up with about J (if you don't know who J is, or understand the situation, please read previous journal entry).

Incident: Gretchen and J are gossiping and slandering my husbands name and now my husband knows about it.

Effect: Hubby feels angry and hurt and betrayed. I no longer feel comfortable around J.

Feelings: Angry, Helpless, Inadaquate

Self-Examination: Controlling (want to control the slander and make it go away, but I can't), over-protective (I want to protect husband from slander, but I can't), self-blame (feel I'm responsible for inviting these people into our lives and now hubby is paying the price). I'm overly trusting of people, too naive.

-- thus I can see that it is pointless and a waste of my energy to try and control how Gretchen and J feel because their minds are made up. I cannot make the gossip go away, I cannot protect my husband, and I don't have to because it is entirely out of my control. The only reason I feel helpless and inadaquate is because I want to control something I can not. I must accept that their issues towards hubby are their problem and not mine.--


Incident: Mom feels it is my job to make her feel better, won't take responsibility for her own feelings but instead blames them on me.

Effect: I am always trying to "fix" her mood, cheer her up, make her feel better, keep from upsetting her etc . . .

Feelings: frustration, Inadaquacy, fear of confrontation, fear of rejection, self-doubt

Self-Examination: dishonest with myself (told myself her feelings are more important than my own), controlling (tried to keep her happy because I can't take it when she is moping or angry), cowardly and non-assertive.

-- thus I can see that if I want to be happy in my life I need to let her own her own negative feelings and not own hers. I need to stop trying to fix or change her feelings and perceptions and ideas and let her be how she is. If she wants to be miserable, that is her problem, that is her decision, it doesn't have to effect me. --

It's time to just let it all go and live my drama free life and accept that doing laundry and kissing boo boos will bring a lot more peace into my life than rehashing drama and running to and fro to save people from themselves.