Journal

We are the sum of our experiences...that's all.

I think when we can lose our expectations of things because of past experiences with same, we know a freedom beyond belief. Imagine, really meeting someone for the first time and you both have a clean slate, no baggage, everything a new experience, no expectations of how it will turn out.

When we begin to look inwards the journey really begins, the clean slate idea becomes, if not possible, at least an idea of where our own "drama" comes from and when we face it we can dispel the fear we are covering up.

I think people forget that we are animals, beat a dog long enough and it will learn to cower or bite, treat a person like a dog long enough and they may begin to bark, some also learn to bite.

Sometimes you just have to have a sick day. I AM going to the doctor today to do something about this cough. I have my friend covering me at work and I am gonna have my buddy take me to the clinic and then to look at a house.

I been thinking about this blaming parents for how we turned out. Now I think that after a certain age we kind of become forced to look at ourselves and take an inventory whether through an addiction issue or just to take stock of where we are in life. I began the recovery process in 1991 when I realized that although I had beat an addiction to cocaine, I was hopelessly addicted to alcohol and a few other things. So I stopped drinking and took a look at who I was and why I was the way I am.

I think I understand why I put up with a man that beat me for as long as I did, and when I say beat me I mean he tried to kill me. The emotions were explosive, something I understood, after he hit me I could spit poison at him for days and the cycle would reset and begin anew. Other times he would brood for days till the inevitable explosion and I would walk on eggshells till I finally forced the beating I knew was coming and get it over with.

My mother used to kick the ever loving shit out of me in every way. There was no part of my self that she hadn't tainted in some way. My step father would covertly be sexually aroused by me and when I sprouted boobies my mother kicked me out of the house because she said, "I was a threat to her marraige."

I ended up being very twisted about being beaten for most of my childhood then being thrown away again and again. I had some serious rage issues and had big problems with my understanding of what sex was about. I look back and I realize that I never stood a chance of being anything different than I am today. Had I had loving parents I may still have developed a drinking problem or some form of substance abuse issue, but I wouldn't have been as vulnerable as I was to the predators that prey on teenage girls who like to drink and think the rules don't apply to them.

I learned to shut off my feelings at a young age because they served no purpose in my mother's world, as an adult I sought out someone who I understood, someone who beat me and lusted after me and hated me for it. I was trying to fix my F.O.O. through trying to heal this man with my broken self. I believed in unconditional love although I threw it away when it was given to me, I needed someone who's love I had to work for.

Do I blame my parents, no, they did the best they could with what the had but I sure wish the would hold themselves accountable and admit what they did. My mother started to once and I said I forgave her but the reality is I cannot forgive till she discloses how bad it was for me in her house to my brother. Until then I don't know if I will ever speak to her again. That really makes me sad but I can't take the strain she puts on my life and my heart.

I am working towards ending the cycle in my life, I don't want another go round with violence and trauma in my life. For now my way of ending the cycle of abuse is to stay single, I don't want to take or be taken a hostage anymore.