momoftwohugs's Journal

This sunny Sunday, I have chosen these afiirmations to focus on:

I am now healing deeply and completely

I think, talk and behave in a positive way
I deserve to be happy and fulfilled

The light within me is creating miracles in my life here and now

I awoke this morning and am very thankful for:

That I actually SLEPT until almost 645AM, a huge improvement

I am thankful for my positive state of mind

I am grateful for the stability of home and family

I am grateful for our deep roots in our community

I am thankful for seeing and feeling the small blessings, each day

I am grateful for having this feeling of increased wellness

My house is still quiet, and probably will be so for a little while more.  I can enjoy my coffee and smoke (I know!) in my own head space.  I like to reflect on my yesterday's, and note the blessings and small successes.

I worked outside cutting back my plants and flowers for a few hours, with breaks every 15 minutes or so or dear hubby would get mad at me, LOL.  "Get out of the sun!", "Sit down and rest!", "Stop!"...so funny.  I have discovered the fastest way to get a job done is to start it myself in full view of Tanner and Jeff.  Then they get mad at me, and take over.  Manipulative?  Yup, you betcha...and it works.  Otherwise I would work myself into a frenzy trying to keep up with things.  Caring about the state of my home and the grounds is SUCH a positive sign, because at my most ill...I did not even have the energy to think about it, other than to have it bother me and wish I had a housekeeper and outside maintenance person.  Once again, my upbringing showing it's face, LOL.  Then I recall how "beneath" us our "help" was treated by my father, and the desire to have the help vanishes as fast as it came.  No money anyways!

My father has begun connecting again, on a regular basis.  Not surprising, even though he said he would NOT "until he was made to feel welcome".  He is asking for forgiveness, apologizing , saying all the "right" things...yet they seem to fall in a dead place in my heart.  I think I still view him as the wolf in sheeps' clothing.  And he wants to come out west again for a visit, with his newest lady friend (he has been married 4 times, and had countless mistresses that we also met).  He wanted to do this in August and I said NO.  I am not well enough, and I will need much strength to deal with physically seeing him again.  As a narcissist, he NEEDS to be center stage, and I am sure that is why he is bringing yet another female friend around...a good excuse to come here.  I could be reading it all wrong, I doubt it.  At least I got him to put off considering it until late fall...my hopes are I will be in a better place to deal with him and have more tools at my disposal by then.  I could say that I would be happy never to hear or see him again, yet I would/do feel such guilt about that.  I hate the way he can rock my world.  I need to, and will find a way to inhibit that.  Positive side, I must always find one...he loves his grandchildren.

I have a fairly full day today, and will TRY to make time for a relax on the back porch and some puttering in my garden. There is not much growing in it, except weeds and potatoes with a few herbs mixed in LOL.  At least I can pull the weeds and clean it up a bit.

I wish all my buddies on here a wondrous day, surrounded by healing and blessings.  And I also hope that your Independance Day was a memorable one.