jUdEoUs's Journal

feeling kinda heavy today... i feel like i'm still just trying to get it together... i realize now after having a talk with joey last night that i have been sooo short and snappy with him lately. and i know it because i'm sooo generally unsettled about the whole jw displacement... that's exactly what it is.... i have been displaced from my own life and i have been coping in such a strange way... not really ever adressing it... just mostly ignoring it and trying to stave of the beast at least just a little while longer... it is not working... i've tried to cope with appreciation.... u know like i am soo appreciative of the fact that i escaped a mind control cult and lived...but i am also completely ignoring the hate and pain that is growing in me... and the hate seems to muffle those sharp shrieks and screams of pain... so i let it in... i feed it and give it a warm place to stay. and this is not who i am...  i think i just need to sit with the pain sometime and just realize  that it's okay to sometime think and say "i really miss my mom today... i wish i could have her sweet potatoe pie recipe..." or " i'm really sad my family wont be at my wedding" sometimes i just get really freaked out because i feel like, damn if i miss them now i need to brace my self for the fact that it will only get worse and i guess i'm just trying to prime myslelf for what's really to come. it's like my whole life i spend my time preparing myself for the worst case scenario... and now it's here... this is the worst case scenario and i'm living it... and i have no idea what to do... yet i've spent my whole life preparing for such disasters...

i have to be strong and fight... i have to fight for my freedoms... my freedom in this relationship and my freedom and right to this life... i cannot squander this great gift of freedom... i have to make this work... i cant live in the squalls of this sadness.

things are okay... i have to tlak to my roomate mike.... his lack of good and proper hygiene is starting to create a stench in his bedroom, which usually would be none of my business but it's like a private matter gone public and i have to tell him... i think it's a combination of not bathing but once a month, neglecting to do laundry and wearing the same clothes day in and day out and then going right to bed in those same filthy clothes and not washing his bedding... and add being a heavy smoker on top of that and you have a ghastly conglomeration of cigarette smoke and body odor....  that just eminates from his room and with those widows open  and him leaving the door open the funk just walks right into my room... so when i come come i immediately smell his funk.... it's actually infuriating... i get sooo mad when i think about how senseless and nasty he is... plus the scarce and inneffective bathroom cleanings... combined with the fact that he has the easiest job and the most amount of time to do it.. because he works from home... i just cant even imagine.

the whole jw thing is really just like a displacement of self... it feels like you are kinda robbed of yourself... like who am i now that i'm not a jw... and the anwer is i am me... without those jw restrictions... and then i think about it again i think