jUdEoUs's Journal

omigod... here we go again.... my sleep schedule is all effed up. two nites in a row now here. i was sleepy at work today and now i'm going to be sleepy at work again... and i'm mad about that... not that mad makes any difference to any of this.

joe's dad is leaving for business again... hopefully he will return with a closed and completed deal--this time. i hope... shit is getting tight. i feel bad to look to him as our beneficiary... but at the same time i dont think he minds.

i love joey. i do. he planned a beautiful romantic evening for us last night... at my request... i sort of gave him a paint by numbers diagram-- but i'll still give him full credit. and i'm not really hard to please... just please, no clublexus.com... that is sooooo NOT romantic. he held me and cuddled me up soooo tenderly... i felt like i got what i needed then.

everything is okay... i think... i had the talk with joe explaining that at this point, as a result of my newly aquired state of loss-- loss of family love and support... i am now more emotionally dependent upon him then ever before.... now i need his love and support now more that ever. he understood and said he would comply. and he has. so far.

i feel like there is some serious light at the end of the tunnel... although i am already basking in much of this warm light. i think i just have keep remebering that... just keep it in mind.

i am deciding not to go to my grandmother's funeral. i have no need or desire to see my childhood abusers or see my family treat me like i'm not a member of their family. and to pay respects to a dead grandmother or support family that i never got to know is the payoff... i'm cool. it's simply not worth it. it cant be.

i feel like i'm kinda just going through the motion of everything... it's like i have a wall up and i'm not actually letting myself fully engage in social settings-- which as a result leaves me feeling rather disconnected and lonely... that inexplicable alone in a crowded room type feeling...that never really makes any sense to begin with. which is why i guess i always ignore it.

i'm coming along just fine with the j-dubs... i've already made my decision to leave... and now i'm finally starting to get comfortable in the skin of that decision. and i dont feel ashamed or embarassed for my self anymore... now i feel more like ashamed and embarassed for them-- they are after all, the victims of a mind control cult... not me. not anymore.