julied's Journal

   I am so glad I journaled last week I think I will do it again. Just getting the crap off my chest and the positive responses has encouraged me to push forward instead of waiting for things to happen.

   I had a few really bad pain days after some 'normal' activities. grocery shopping and having my 4 yr old grandson overnight, called pain doc who said make an apt asap and we will increase your medication, in the mean time just take it easy and no shopping etc. She is very sweet and compassionate and I am VERY blessed to have her, but I don't want to have to increase my medication everytime I turn around and I am sick of taking it easy! I remembered her reccomending the epidural again at our last meeting, so I made an appointement and had that done 3 days ago. Last time it only helped for a few days, but that was a year ago, so I figured I'd give it another try. So far so good, but she explained to me yesterday that there is a numbing agent along with the cortisone to work until the sterroid kicks in, so again, take it easy and enjoy it while it lasts.  The last couple days have been sinfully painfree! I only hit the heat pad once yesterday, and I went shopping alone! I didn't buy anything, but it was fun looking! Then when I went for my med refill, she switched me to a different medication instead of increasing what I already had. I think this is good, and she said we can switch back and forth as I develope a tollerance for the other.

   Now for my domestic situation, I got assertive on that, too. I told him if he wanted to live like roommates instead of partners, then as long as he's not working we need to get started on the spring cleaning and purging cuz we will be having to move soon. He is a pack rat and the thought of having to get rid og any of his prize junk or move to an even smaller place, he is going back to work on Monday! That was good news, but I still don't trust him, so I am still working on a back up plan for myself but at least I can do that without him under my feet and robbing me of my personal energy. I used to feel selfish when I thought this way, but when I let my guard down and completely trust someone is when I get hurt and that feels even worse so I am planning to continue getting independant again.

   Thanks to all my friends and the positive support. I am really starting to feel like I can go forward again.