julied's Journal

   I have tried to journal several times this winter only to delete my depressing words. It has been a long winter not getting out and just basicly existing waiting to hear from social security. I would love to put down lots of positive hopeful words, but having a hard time coming up with any.

   I am truely getting scared for my future. I've learned to have a back up plan thru my life because I have never been able to rely on anyone but myself, but this time I don't have one. My father killed himself when I was 11, and my mom who had always been a 'stay at home' was left to raise 3 kids alone. She taught me survival. Since I have been unable to work, I have relied on those survival skills, but have been very dependant on a man who is not real reliable. He has his own problems, and I'm afraid I am close to being alone again.

   The back pain is getting worse, so I have made a promie to work on the depression to try to relieve some of it, but I know it is not all in my head. The sciatic is almost constant now, and I have been having moments where I can barely walk to the next room. I am looking forward to some warm weather this weekend to do some walking in my neighborhood. I try to at least go outside once a day to fill the bird feeders and check the outside of my home. The cold has shifted the ground alot this winter.

   The one thing that has kept me going is my plants. I started collecting miniature african violets almost a year ago. I was neglecting them thru the summer and decided to get a grow light and give them the attention they deserve and they have responded well, and so have I. I didn't think about it til my spirits started coming up that there is alot to the seasonal depression  and after a couple days with my face in the bright lights, I was feeling better.

   I just recently had a kick in the butt when my live in boyfriend decided to take some time off between jobs and lost his entire savings on the casino boat. Of course his argument is that it is his money and he doesn't owe me anything.  To top it off, he blames me for the reason he 'had' to go to the boat in the first place! He has started laying around the house more than me and there is nothing wrong with him physically.  We have become strangers living in the same home. It is my home and we have always split the expenses. I went on short term disability last spring, then lost my job and my fight with the insurance company, so I have been living off savings and finally totally dependent on him.  We discussed all this before I filed for disability, and he agreed to take care of me, assured me he would be here for me, but those promises haven't been kept, and I am very scared. I have an income tax return coming that I had planned to do some upkeep to the home with(this is always my expense since I own it) and now he has expressed we can pay bills for a while with that money while he takes some time off. He has been off over a month now. We are down to one vehicle, mine, and of course he is racking up the miles on it out running around doing who knows what when he's not on the couch or in the bed. I feel like I am being used now, and I need to be reserving. I just don't know what to do.  I know he has emotional problems also, but I can't communicate with him, and it is almost a battle of siblings, like we have to be even steven with everything. Very immature thinking from him, and this is a side I didn't see before because I was always so independant. Now that I really need him as a partner, he is not capable of it.  I have caught myself being dishonest with him just to protect myself, and I don't like that.  I will make it, just not sure how. Ok, God, give me some help here, I'm listening........