jleigh1205's Journal

Today is one of those days I want to crawl in bed, lock the door, and tell everyone to leave me alone.  Adam's been manic for three days now, and I'm beginning to lose it too.  I'm desperate to get him to stop.  I'm so sick and tired of being his "punching bag".  He would never really hit me, but his words hurt more than enough.  Last night I guess I didn't kiss him when I was supposed to and therefore, according to him "my actions speak louder than my words".  I know its the BP, but I just wanted to start screaming at him.  His words speak loud enough for the two of us.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with him.  I can't keep doing this.  It's really starting to change who I am.  I'm self-medicating, I'm exhausted, and I feel like I'm wasting my time on someone who couldn't care less.  My 21st birthday is Saturday, and I know he's going to ruin it for me.  I'm supposed to be able to have fun and have a good day but it's not going to happen.  I'm so disappointed with him and with myself.  I should've gotten out a long time ago, and now I feel trapped.  If I walk away now, he'll probably hurt himself, and I can't live with that on my shoulders.  I guess I'll just live with dealing with his BP on my shoulders instead.

 I told him that he could stay with me because I thought maybe getting him away from a bad home situation for a few days was what he needed.  I guess I deserve this, I should've told him he couldn't come.  I don't want to abandon him, I really don't.  God, it's so good when he's not like this.  But right now, I want nothing to do with him.  He's dragging me down so far, in the prime of my life.  I know I should be out having fun and living life, but instead, I'm stuck dealing with all of this.

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Well, so, in the middle of writing this, this s*** hit the fan.  I can't back him up anymore, I can't fight for this anymore.  I know he's far from home, I know he doesn't know his way around, I know his car is a 45 minute walk away and I'm not even sure he knows the directions, I know he doesn't have a warm coat on...but I told him not to come back.  I told him I can't do it.  So, now I guess, he has nothing left.  We'll see what happens, but according to him he has been nothing but miserable for the last two years...so fine, go, get out of my life.

 I guess I'll go deal with it the good ole' college way...thirsty thursdays...